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I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
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