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Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Small penises have feelings too.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
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