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i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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