Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Favorite