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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
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