Texts From Last Night · firetech1024's Favorites

firetech1024's Favorites Texts:

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(816): View more from Missouri

Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

A true beacon of hope in these dark times

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just feel like you're using me for sex.

(383): View more from

I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that

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(815): View more from Illinois

if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(917): View more from New York City

bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(310): View more from California

I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Brilliant thought; pill pong.

(651): View more from Minnesota

What could go wrong?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me

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(614): View more from Ohio

my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat

(614): View more from Ohio

repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

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(305): View more from Florida

She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(315): View more from New York

Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

(1+44): View more from

Doesn't she keep a spare?

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

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(509): View more from Washington

no you're not allowed back

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm off the liquor

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.

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(518): View more from New York

Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways

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(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how bad is she

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

captain morgan with tits

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(516): View more from New York

If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles

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(404): View more from Georgia

You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.

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(207): View more from Maine

Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

(623): View more from Arizona

It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

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(817): View more from Texas

Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...

(1-817): View more from Texas

This hangover makes more sense now

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(334): View more from Alabama

all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(219): View more from Indiana

The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(818): View more from California

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

(626): View more from California

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?

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(269): View more from Michigan

he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.

(701): View more from North Dakota

The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Why?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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(574): View more from Indiana

i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(509): View more from Washington

I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

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(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(317): View more from Indiana

i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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(415): View more from California

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(713): View more from Texas

wait, did i just see you litter out your window??

(281): View more from Texas

umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!

(317): View more from Indiana

Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?

(630): View more from Illinois

Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

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(231): View more from Michigan

Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!

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(253): View more from Washington

I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You should get more absorbent shoes.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(212): View more from New York

mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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(310): View more from California

All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive

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(415): View more from California

Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I wish you could order shots online.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.

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(419): View more from Ohio

with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(618): View more from Illinois

its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches

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(905): View more from Toronto

You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(516): View more from New York

matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.

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(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

(318): View more from Louisiana

Alcohol?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Sex with a fat chick.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?

(773): View more from Illinois

Responsible fail?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom

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(206): View more from Washington

I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free

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(956): View more from Texas

Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.

(845): View more from New York

Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

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(631): View more from New York

Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

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(516): View more from New York

VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR

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(518): View more from New York

I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Winning.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

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(734): View more from Michigan

you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"

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(613): View more from Ontario

Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(513): View more from Ohio

I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar

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(310): View more from California

I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.

(1+44): View more from

I regret nothing

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.

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(850): View more from Florida

I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(631): View more from New York

figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(863): View more from Florida

I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.

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(301): View more from Maryland

she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

(203): View more from Connecticut

but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Which ones?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(406): View more from Montana

My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(917): View more from New York City

about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

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(650): View more from California

Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina

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(573): View more from Missouri

We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.

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(775): View more from Nevada

It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(619): View more from California

We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(760): View more from California

Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.

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(210): View more from Texas

Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.

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(315): View more from New York

I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?

(718): View more from New York

Keg backpack and a Bike

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no. 1 rule of bromania: no females

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(480): View more from Arizona

We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...

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(661): View more from California

I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(318): View more from Louisiana

dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(937): View more from Ohio

Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(970): View more from Colorado

We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later

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(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

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(207): View more from Maine

Damn you and your Monday night power hours.

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(925): View more from California

We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(505): View more from New Mexico

They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.

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(310): View more from California

I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't

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(203): View more from Connecticut

these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?

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(407): View more from Florida

my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much

(1-407): View more from Florida

It'll hurt less than being alone

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(818): View more from California

Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.

(310): View more from California

good choice.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.

(862): View more from New Jersey

yet...

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(909): View more from California

i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(916): View more from California

I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(416): View more from Ontario

Apparently you chose the latter.

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(714): View more from California

Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?

(410): View more from Maryland

The recession has changed everything man.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.

(970): View more from Colorado

Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(407): View more from Florida

I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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(904): View more from Florida

Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing

(860): View more from Connecticut

So?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is why you shouldn't make decisions

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

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(310): View more from California

dude i need help, im throwing up blood.

(323): View more from California

no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.

(310): View more from California

oh, so thats why my junks red.

(323): View more from California

wow. cant help you there...

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(319): View more from Iowa

True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

(847): View more from Illinois

And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

(319): View more from Iowa

At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...

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(614): View more from Ohio

just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

fair is fair

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(207): View more from Maine

so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you

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(954): View more from Florida

Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(757): View more from Virginia

i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(216): View more from Ohio

The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.

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(713): View more from Texas

Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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(516): View more from New York

Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time

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(713): View more from Texas

I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wanted to see November 5, 1985

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.

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(554): View more from

No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted

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(636): View more from Missouri

I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.

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(810): View more from Michigan

during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(407): View more from Florida

He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(562): View more from California

Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up

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(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

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(562): View more from California

My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.

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(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(573): View more from Missouri

Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(850): View more from Florida

You drinking a lot?

(1-850): View more from Florida

No.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Define a lot

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(703): View more from Virginia

Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.

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(804): View more from Virginia

quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick

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(312): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.

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(315): View more from New York

I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

tequila

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(573): View more from Missouri

Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

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(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

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(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

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(315): View more from New York

The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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(910): View more from North Carolina

oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment

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(775): View more from Nevada

You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."

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(301): View more from Maryland

not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(818): View more from California

I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

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(512): View more from Texas

They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(940): View more from Texas

I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

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(954): View more from Florida

malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

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(503): View more from Oregon

i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(913): View more from Kansas

all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(408): View more from California

Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape

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(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(949): View more from California

Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(705): View more from Ontario

I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.

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(517): View more from Michigan

In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.

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(512): View more from Texas

I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.

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(360): View more from Washington

I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(816): View more from Missouri

She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it

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(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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(804): View more from Virginia

the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight

(1-804): View more from Virginia

i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!

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(516): View more from New York

I understand why you refuse to be sober now

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...

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(325): View more from Texas

Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(404): View more from Georgia

They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.

(618): View more from Illinois

Disappointment?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(805): View more from California

he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(213): View more from California

those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(386): View more from Florida

That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

(954): View more from Florida

Apparently hers is a theme park.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(772): View more from Florida

bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(631): View more from New York

i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

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(513): View more from Ohio

Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?

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(310): View more from California

Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina

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(217): View more from Illinois

i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.

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(913): View more from Kansas

id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"

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(703): View more from Virginia

i really like this girl i slept with last night

(202): View more from Washington, DC

you ask her out again?

(703): View more from Virginia

yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

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(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.

(970): View more from Colorado

I'm that good.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2

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(714): View more from California

I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(518): View more from New York

it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.

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(801): View more from Utah

We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."

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(518): View more from New York

i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting

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(330): View more from Ohio

you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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(240): View more from Maryland

were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?

(301): View more from Maryland

yes! wait why?

(240): View more from Maryland

because i found it in my pocket this morning...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am

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(727): View more from Florida

she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?

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(614): View more from Ohio

just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I bet i've been more pregnant than you.

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(562): View more from California

I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me

(224): View more from Illinois

RUN RUN RUN RUN

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

no, didnt close...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...

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(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.

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(619): View more from California

It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

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(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

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(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going

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(618): View more from Illinois

I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick

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(858): View more from California

So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(330): View more from Ohio

Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(804): View more from Virginia

I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(801): View more from Utah

Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

(1-217): View more from Illinois

please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

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(319): View more from Iowa

Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.

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(863): View more from Florida

During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?

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(941): View more from Florida

I really should sober up and deal with this hangover

(941): View more from Florida

It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though

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(719): View more from Colorado

physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass

(864): View more from South Carolina

what???

(803): View more from South Carolina

AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

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(352): View more from Florida

I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Maybe she gives good head

(615): View more from Tennessee

A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head

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(540): View more from Virginia

i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.

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(760): View more from California

Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.

(912): View more from Georgia

What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?

(760): View more from California

I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(206): View more from Washington

Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

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(361): View more from Texas

Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If i need to get strippers involved i will.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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(314): View more from Missouri

It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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(847): View more from Illinois

this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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(503): View more from Oregon

like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be

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(706): View more from Georgia

That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you

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(516): View more from New York

Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes

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(248): View more from Michigan

he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(989): View more from Michigan

We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.

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(361): View more from Texas

What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

(1-361): View more from Texas

These are the tickets we got last night.

(361): View more from Texas

Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

(1-361): View more from Texas

Yes...yes you did.

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(619): View more from California

dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(773): View more from Illinois

Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(312): View more from Illinois

she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?

(1-312): View more from Illinois

not while she was awake

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(713): View more from Texas

Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(305): View more from Florida

I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(248): View more from Michigan

she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

sounds like you fell off the wagon.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(419): View more from Ohio

So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am in shape. i keep telling you that.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(330): View more from Ohio

and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

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(602): View more from Arizona

and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

only you. it could only happen to you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(734): View more from Michigan

Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.

(586): View more from Michigan

You raise a valid concern

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(630): View more from Illinois

She is in my trunk

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(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

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(810): View more from Michigan

kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

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(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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(845): View more from New York

I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.

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(917): View more from New York City

But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(614): View more from Ohio

My ATM looks so different sober.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

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(314): View more from Missouri

My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(305): View more from Florida

If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there

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(440): View more from Ohio

eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(

(1-440): View more from Ohio

just blow him with soup in your mouth.

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(651): View more from Minnesota

my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.

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(716): View more from New York

Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(541): View more from Oregon

So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(515): View more from Iowa

then she stuck her tongue in my ass

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?

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(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

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(845): View more from New York

dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(410): View more from Maryland

And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

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(216): View more from Ohio

dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so im guessing thats a no.....

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(229): View more from Georgia

I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

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(815): View more from Illinois

If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.

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(707): View more from California

I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

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(903): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in

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(325): View more from Texas

Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(970): View more from Colorado

I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo

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(702): View more from Nevada

Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(310): View more from California

only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man

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(856): View more from New Jersey

we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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(914): View more from New York

you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.

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(620): View more from Kansas

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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