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Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
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