Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Favorite