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Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
are you still at the devil's house?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i think i have herpe
just one?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
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