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I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The beer is more important than you right now.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
bring money and cleavage
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
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