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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You're like the curious george of whores
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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