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At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There's always time for handjobs
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you inspire me to be a worse person
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Operation Purity has been aborted
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
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