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He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
What a dumb baby whore.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so explain again why im purple
no
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Jerry, you need to find god
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you didnt know i had herpes?
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