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It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So there&
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