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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i came on her dog
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I think my fart just growled at me.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
smell my finger.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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