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Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she pinky promised me she was 18
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
bring money and cleavage
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
why didn't you poke me back
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
This girl is more easily done than said...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Someone shit on the floor
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
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