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The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This baby is an asshole
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Jerry, you need to find god
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
How's work?
Spinning.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Actions speak louder than pants.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I want her autograph on my taint
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
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