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I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Are my feet made of real feet?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you didnt know i had herpes?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just pynch a tree in the face
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
This girl is more easily done than said...
You just made me feel so damn special
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I think I died a long time ago.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
bring money and cleavage
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just had sex bonerless
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dignity is for republicans.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
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