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I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
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