smiche516's Favorites Texts:

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  (772): View more from Florida

  He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina

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  (772): He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina http://tfl.nu/eog8
  Replies (14) Good night (1407) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

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  (678): After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box". http://tfl.nu/z4mv
  Replies (5) Good night (1254) Bad night (263)
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  (510): View more from California

  So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.

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  (510): So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor. http://tfl.nu/fpi2
  Replies (1) Good night (754) Bad night (161) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Who is our new insurance provider?

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  (978): FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning. (978): Who is our new insurance provider? http://tfl.nu/a2lj
  Replies (3) Good night (634) Bad night (176)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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  (859): The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers http://tfl.nu/vamg
  Replies (0) Good night (1587) Bad night (194)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"

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  (920): Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!" http://tfl.nu/2v59
  Replies (0) Good night (638) Bad night (150) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.

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  (904): I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing. http://tfl.nu/6kf7
  Replies (2) Good night (498) Bad night (189) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.

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  (805): I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore. http://tfl.nu/x6ui
  Replies (3) Good night (627) Bad night (165) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating

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  (206): My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating http://tfl.nu/ns48
  Replies (2) Good night (838) Bad night (268) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.

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  (360): I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top. http://tfl.nu/zeve
  Replies (11) Good night (725) Bad night (248) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?

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  (248): We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ? http://tfl.nu/vd2y
  Replies (1) Good night (625) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
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  (936): View more from Texas

  I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night

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  (936): I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night http://tfl.nu/dhdy
  Replies (4) Good night (276) Bad night (996) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

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  (520): Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds. http://tfl.nu/3cpt
  Replies (6) Good night (1099) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.

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  (304): omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected. http://tfl.nu/xm5d
  Replies (4) Good night (293) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have

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  (312): The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have http://tfl.nu/kcpe
  Replies (3) Good night (544) Bad night (328)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle

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  (516): Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle http://tfl.nu/gy3s
  Replies (2) Good night (890) Bad night (194) Order T-Shirt
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  (772): View more from Florida

  I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.

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  (772): I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty. http://tfl.nu/zh78
  Replies (3) Good night (687) Bad night (158) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.

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  (250): If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you. http://tfl.nu/tnhh
  Replies (6) Good night (851) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.

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  (704): Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight. http://tfl.nu/a7ns
  Replies (2) Good night (404) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.

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  (330): I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again. http://tfl.nu/tjdc
  Replies (5) Good night (923) Bad night (214) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.

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  (517): I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT. http://tfl.nu/j08n
  Replies (4) Good night (1110) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"

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  (918): Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for" http://tfl.nu/pln7
  Replies (3) Good night (792) Bad night (237)
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  (845): View more from New York

  I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.

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  (845): I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel. http://tfl.nu/cl86
  Replies (3) Good night (621) Bad night (164) Order T-Shirt
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow

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  (787): You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow http://tfl.nu/nndh
  Replies (5) Good night (1042) Bad night (191) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs

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  (330): If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs http://tfl.nu/drl4
  Replies (2) Good night (1222) Bad night (168) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!

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  (616): i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!! (1-616): BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!! http://tfl.nu/gsty
  Replies (2) Good night (430) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

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  (217): Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way http://tfl.nu/0knp
  Replies (9) Good night (2766) Bad night (506)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry

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  (262): And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry http://tfl.nu/q1qo
  Replies (9) Good night (900) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.

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  (902): I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at. http://tfl.nu/m09a
  Replies (3) Good night (491) Bad night (228) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?

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  (541): So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right? http://tfl.nu/c92i
  Replies (3) Good night (398) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.

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  (312): If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes. http://tfl.nu/vx4i
  Replies (4) Good night (929) Bad night (235) Order T-Shirt
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?

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  (435): I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself? http://tfl.nu/fnlw
  Replies (2) Good night (507) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.

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  (202): It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks. (202): I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to. http://tfl.nu/wpl5
  Replies (10) Good night (1256) Bad night (477)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is

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  (317): And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is http://tfl.nu/xorh
  Replies (0) Good night (570) Bad night (190) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.

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  (719): I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room. http://tfl.nu/d9w2
  Replies (6) Good night (1570) Bad night (194) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.

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  (203): Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker. http://tfl.nu/9u82
  Replies (4) Good night (724) Bad night (274) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up

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  (850): I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up http://tfl.nu/4e9b
  Replies (3) Good night (510) Bad night (242) Order T-Shirt
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  (213): View more from California

  WTF DUDE?

  (323): View more from California

  Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this

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  (213): WTF DUDE? (323): Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this http://tfl.nu/ooar
  Replies (6) Good night (911) Bad night (298)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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  (+44): Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face. http://tfl.nu/j54i
  Replies (8) Good night (2222) Bad night (260) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.

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  (513): Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too. http://tfl.nu/c992
  Replies (4) Good night (778) Bad night (226) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I was convinced to buy a man thong.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  But it's Armani so it's okay.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  God I just out gayed myself.

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  (614): I was convinced to buy a man thong. (614): But it's Armani so it's okay. (614): God I just out gayed myself. http://tfl.nu/dlfj
  Replies (5) Good night (933) Bad night (569)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party

  (1-647): View more from Ontario

  That was you...

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  (647): You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party (1-647): That was you... http://tfl.nu/3f5k
  Replies (4) Good night (1025) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming

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  (615): Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming http://tfl.nu/odmb
  Replies (4) Good night (1083) Bad night (227) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.

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  (712): You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home. http://tfl.nu/2ggi
  Replies (2) Good night (733) Bad night (186) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.

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  (501): I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit. http://tfl.nu/ez6v
  Replies (0) Good night (702) Bad night (150) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick

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  (774): stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick http://tfl.nu/dnwu
  Replies (10) Good night (1572) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.

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  (613): He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/4yrh
  Replies (2) Good night (1137) Bad night (219) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  My booty call just moved 2 min from my house

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  This has pregnancy written all over it

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  (513): My booty call just moved 2 min from my house (1-513): This has pregnancy written all over it http://tfl.nu/2h6m
  Replies (1) Good night (1388) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  we need a secret handshake

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  (616): time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night? (1-616): we need a secret handshake http://tfl.nu/i0zy
  Replies (7) Good night (1320) Bad night (188) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!

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  (404): PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!! http://tfl.nu/r6da
  Replies (12) Good night (1684) Bad night (403)
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.

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  (320): I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice. http://tfl.nu/yhhi
  Replies (6) Good night (1146) Bad night (212) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.

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  (313): I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing. http://tfl.nu/76v7
  Replies (5) Good night (629) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs

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  (269): You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs http://tfl.nu/fy9x
  Replies (5) Good night (698) Bad night (210) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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  (850): He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really. (412): And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk http://tfl.nu/08bn
  Replies (7) Good night (1474) Bad night (233)
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  (626): View more from California

  Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why

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  (626): Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why http://tfl.nu/74jl
  Replies (4) Good night (1142) Bad night (158) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.

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  (312): My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him. http://tfl.nu/tfrh
  Replies (7) Good night (819) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol

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  (317): Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol http://tfl.nu/rsq8
  Replies (8) Good night (843) Bad night (183)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....

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  (775): Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW.... http://tfl.nu/zpmo
  Replies (6) Good night (1067) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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  (978): We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment. http://tfl.nu/8gpy
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica

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  (740): The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica http://tfl.nu/yubm
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.

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  (770): I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid. http://tfl.nu/3jns
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  (805): View more from California

  I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?

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  (805): I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal? http://tfl.nu/khtc
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.

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  (912): But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate. http://tfl.nu/0oig
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.

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  (304): Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast. http://tfl.nu/j3y3
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  (512): View more from Texas

  they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  you have the best friends

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  (512): they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze (1-512): you have the best friends http://tfl.nu/c4bj
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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  (517): To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you http://tfl.nu/rkbn
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys

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  (505): I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys http://tfl.nu/88rh
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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  (931): He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you http://tfl.nu/kuvj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.

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  (303): Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way. http://tfl.nu/uitb
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck

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  (816): I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck http://tfl.nu/awst
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.

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  (406): You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him. http://tfl.nu/veeu
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  (949): View more from California

  When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless

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  (949): When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless http://tfl.nu/xa8r
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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  (316): She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone. http://tfl.nu/tcs7
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.

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  (612): He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this. http://tfl.nu/vp0n
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.

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  (720): We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out. http://tfl.nu/ioyx
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.

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  (847): So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day. http://tfl.nu/zt4q
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend

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  (816): Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend http://tfl.nu/q3y8
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.

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  (314): Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night. http://tfl.nu/wauu
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator

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  (507): I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator http://tfl.nu/y7bc
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.

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  (+44): Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking. http://tfl.nu/zbnj
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?

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  (+44): you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home? http://tfl.nu/3r4f
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.

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  (306): I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later. http://tfl.nu/c155
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.

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  (541): I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis. http://tfl.nu/x9yx
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  (949): View more from California

  What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?

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  (949): What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"? http://tfl.nu/v4r0
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  (916): View more from California

  What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum

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  (916): What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum http://tfl.nu/f5r0
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected

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  (902): It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected http://tfl.nu/ecct
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?

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  (815): My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday? http://tfl.nu/m0r9
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.

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  (815): I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life. http://tfl.nu/262m
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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  (972): Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT http://tfl.nu/8ret
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.

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  (602): After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her. http://tfl.nu/mkbl
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  *jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for

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  (410): Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something. (443): *jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for http://tfl.nu/ud0q
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  (801): View more from Utah

  She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.

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  (801): She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime. http://tfl.nu/hokk
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  (607): View more from New York

  I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.

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  (607): I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know. http://tfl.nu/l46m
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  (315): View more from New York

  The second I see you we're shot gunning beers

  (1-315): View more from New York

  It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning

  (315): View more from New York

  And your point is?

  (1-315): View more from New York

  Marry me

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  (315): The second I see you we're shot gunning beers (1-315): It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning (315): And your point is? (1-315): Marry me http://tfl.nu/zcdd
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs

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  (313): I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs http://tfl.nu/01r5
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  (925): View more from California

  I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.

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  (925): I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist. (480): I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test. http://tfl.nu/pge5
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?

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  (240): Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished? http://tfl.nu/q6tp
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  (917): View more from New York City

  That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.

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  (917): That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies. http://tfl.nu/z8d5
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.

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  (715): i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy. http://tfl.nu/dafx
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  (650): View more from California

  He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.

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  (650): He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse. http://tfl.nu/0nh4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.

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  (610): Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night. http://tfl.nu/8tyy
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  And we're breaking up

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  (918): Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash. (918): And we're breaking up http://tfl.nu/t8m0
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.

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  (423): What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there. (1-423): Call it what you want. You fucked a girl. http://tfl.nu/1fty
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  (585): View more from New York

  Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride

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  (585): Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride http://tfl.nu/ym4t
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART

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  (908): HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART http://tfl.nu/i6nd
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.

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  (636): Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy. http://tfl.nu/5193
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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  (614): telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though. http://tfl.nu/tou6
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.

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  (604): Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive. http://tfl.nu/sq1l
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  (562): View more from California

  When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.

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  (562): When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much. http://tfl.nu/3gvt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.

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  (615): How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long. http://tfl.nu/h6mm
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.

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  (215): no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus. http://tfl.nu/psky
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....

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  (404): All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused.... http://tfl.nu/ik1s
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."

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  (226): While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook." http://tfl.nu/v50o
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.

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  (469): Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg. http://tfl.nu/v8uq
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.

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  (416): okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food. (647): Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40. http://tfl.nu/dr99
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch

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  (216): Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch http://tfl.nu/pevt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.

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  (512): You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor. http://tfl.nu/8xpn
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.

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  (832): I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came. http://tfl.nu/1nw4
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room

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  (715): And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room http://tfl.nu/oply
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.

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  (208): Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one. http://tfl.nu/4da2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.

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  (508): Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me. http://tfl.nu/wz8g
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.

  (1-757): View more from Virginia

  Wait, that's an option?

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  (757): YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE. (1-757): Wait, that's an option? http://tfl.nu/2xp5
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.

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  (931): Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass. http://tfl.nu/ezy8
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.

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  (860): He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/3zeb
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going

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  (703): I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going http://tfl.nu/4frq
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.

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  (613): You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock. http://tfl.nu/zgub
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  (212): View more from New York

  We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.

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  (212): We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere. http://tfl.nu/afoi
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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  (216): I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex (216): Never mind I found pizza just bring sex http://tfl.nu/1kkn
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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  (608): I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory." http://tfl.nu/0nol
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....

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  (843): Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom..... http://tfl.nu/jt5r
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.

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  (443): 6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego. http://tfl.nu/2reg
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.

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  (+44): I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no. http://tfl.nu/bvly
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.

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  (520): Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties. http://tfl.nu/5b50
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".

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  (920): You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died". http://tfl.nu/180h
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Incredible.

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  (224): He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time. (847): Incredible. http://tfl.nu/oew8
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.

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  (724): I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober. http://tfl.nu/htfr
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  (628): View more from California

  Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.

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  (628): Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes. http://tfl.nu/sfav
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.

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  (828): We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it. http://tfl.nu/17vl
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.

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  (847): well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick. http://tfl.nu/owiw
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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  (303): Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat http://tfl.nu/1yef
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.

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  (407): I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy. http://tfl.nu/m02m
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  (607): View more from New York

  U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl

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  (607): U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl http://tfl.nu/xeyc
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.

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  (512): Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night. http://tfl.nu/nub3
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..

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  (570): Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours.. http://tfl.nu/vg6d
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .

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  (956): Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . . http://tfl.nu/ha2v
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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  (901): He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian http://tfl.nu/6if3
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.

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  (616): Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing. http://tfl.nu/c8zk
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

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  (505): She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before! http://tfl.nu/qmyv
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'

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  (802): Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday. (802): 'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!' http://tfl.nu/efoo
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  (463): View more from

  I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.

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  (463): I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file. http://tfl.nu/era2
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!

  (818): View more from California

  Were you keeping a list?

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  (339): Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues! (818): Were you keeping a list? http://tfl.nu/r5wn
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.

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  (620): I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender. http://tfl.nu/s55r
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.

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  (920): No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight. http://tfl.nu/0s2q
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.

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  (765): I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning. http://tfl.nu/djj8
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME

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  (541): next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME http://tfl.nu/v34b
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.

  (512): View more from Texas

  Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.

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  (817): I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night. (512): Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there. http://tfl.nu/r01e
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds

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  (603): Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds http://tfl.nu/tb9r
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I didn't notice because vodka

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  (832): I didn't notice because vodka http://tfl.nu/t52z
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.

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  (804): Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare. http://tfl.nu/gxnn
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?

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  (218): Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober? http://tfl.nu/gl6q
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.

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  (918): Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time. http://tfl.nu/hv9q
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.

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  (719): your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well. http://tfl.nu/esbu
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  (+86): View more from China

  Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.

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  (+86): Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage. http://tfl.nu/0ehg
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.

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  (337): He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked. http://tfl.nu/vhc3
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??

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  (505): Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again?? http://tfl.nu/9q8l
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

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  (618): Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT! http://tfl.nu/daki
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  (213): View more from California

  His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.

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  (213): His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry. http://tfl.nu/esf2
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  (631): View more from New York

  I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

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  (631): I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever http://tfl.nu/7j84
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)

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  (256): I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;) http://tfl.nu/t2s6
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?

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  (713): Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink? http://tfl.nu/qwz5
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.

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  (410): If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board. http://tfl.nu/zly7
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip

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  (319): I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip http://tfl.nu/igio
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  (817): View more from Texas

  If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.

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  (817): If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex. (1-817): It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it. http://tfl.nu/yr72
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms

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  (917): Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms http://tfl.nu/vk6t
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.

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  (808): Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard. http://tfl.nu/xtbf
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i came so hard i kicked through my windshield

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  (215): i came so hard i kicked through my windshield http://tfl.nu/sfns
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  (512): View more from Texas

  There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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  (512): There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls. http://tfl.nu/qrvu
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  (858): View more from California

  There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.

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  (858): There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie. http://tfl.nu/bbcq
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties

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  (203): i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies (1-203): you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties http://tfl.nu/44vj
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.

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  (814): For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives. http://tfl.nu/zjhm
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.

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  (360): I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved. http://tfl.nu/qhmk
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie

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  (203): I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie http://tfl.nu/otf2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on

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  (508): he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on http://tfl.nu/t183
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

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  (803): I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids! (1-803): Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew. http://tfl.nu/h7pj
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  (210): View more from Texas

  He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  You went over didnt you?

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  (210): He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with (1-210): You went over didnt you? http://tfl.nu/ykhn
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.

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  (207): My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday. http://tfl.nu/r4jt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

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  (815): Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?" http://tfl.nu/0929
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

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  (307): I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband. http://tfl.nu/qjl3
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  (518): View more from New York

  We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours

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  (518): We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours http://tfl.nu/zbw4
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

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  (850): You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster. http://tfl.nu/k8oo
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  (325): View more from Texas

  So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.

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  (325): So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it. http://tfl.nu/zi6y
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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  (910): She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere http://tfl.nu/frtj
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"

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  (616): We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!" http://tfl.nu/th1o
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.

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  (780): I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people. http://tfl.nu/y8iw
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.

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  (973): I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut. http://tfl.nu/9z43
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now

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  (978): At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now http://tfl.nu/9tr0
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay

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  (214): I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay http://tfl.nu/b2gf
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."

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  (337): Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her." http://tfl.nu/whil
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music

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  (787): They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music http://tfl.nu/mg50
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.

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  (+61): If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that. http://tfl.nu/eyt5
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides

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  (724): I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides http://tfl.nu/36h7
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?

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  (519): Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break? http://tfl.nu/r3b8
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire

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  (267): I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire http://tfl.nu/ih5l
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  (315): View more from New York

  WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.

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  (315): WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF. http://tfl.nu/3w9f
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  (850): View more from Florida

  My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead

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  (850): My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead http://tfl.nu/ahqq
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  (210): View more from Texas

  We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".

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  (210): We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness". http://tfl.nu/kq4n
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I will make you one.

  (417): View more from Missouri

  Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it

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  (417): I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal. (417): I will make you one. (417): Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it http://tfl.nu/hpb9
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night

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  (601): I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night http://tfl.nu/iazm
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing

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  (817): Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing http://tfl.nu/0z5g
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Why does my jaw hurt?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I may have punched you.

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  (303): Why does my jaw hurt? (402): I may have punched you. http://tfl.nu/tz5g
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober

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  (443): You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober http://tfl.nu/5fbb
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  (516): View more from New York

  Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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  (516): Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet. http://tfl.nu/uizc
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Somehow he made it really romantic

  (503): View more from Oregon

  He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.

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  (541): Somehow he made it really romantic (503): He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me. http://tfl.nu/2g7n
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant

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  (702): The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant http://tfl.nu/bd42
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.

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  (360): Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass. http://tfl.nu/ehtn
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  (360): View more from Washington

  ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.

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  (360): ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all. http://tfl.nu/5hyy
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  (818): View more from California

  Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."

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  (818): Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy." http://tfl.nu/kcv8
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.

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  (512): I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again. http://tfl.nu/arot
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.

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  (678): I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment. http://tfl.nu/mk4n
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  (716): View more from New York

  he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."

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  (716): he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...." http://tfl.nu/2b45
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.

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  (208): I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you. http://tfl.nu/oysr
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.

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  (202): His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together. http://tfl.nu/je6r
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

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  (636): Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present. http://tfl.nu/1iee
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.

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  (832): We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad. http://tfl.nu/9s88
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?

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  (423): Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina? http://tfl.nu/kprk
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.

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  (540): He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room. http://tfl.nu/7y89
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.

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  (405): I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it. http://tfl.nu/f6bj
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

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  (206): Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it. http://tfl.nu/gln0
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.

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  (312): 2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits. http://tfl.nu/57o4
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm a corrupt cop.

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  (678): You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably. (404): I'm a corrupt cop. http://tfl.nu/teya
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  (210): View more from Texas

  "But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!

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  (210): "But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!! http://tfl.nu/6byh
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.

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  (604): I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse. http://tfl.nu/53yl
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.

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  (214): Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds. http://tfl.nu/9ird
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs

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  (941): Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs http://tfl.nu/r0oh
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?

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  (504): Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh? http://tfl.nu/qv7w
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"

  (1+61): View more from

  I don't know if I want context or not...

  (+61): View more from Australia

  Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.

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  (+61): After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort" (1+61): I don't know if I want context or not... (+61): Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5. http://tfl.nu/jpk3
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun

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  (630): All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun http://tfl.nu/y2l0
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  (818): View more from California

  Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.

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  (818): Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party. http://tfl.nu/8owu
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.

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  (678): Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it! (770): Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you. http://tfl.nu/kg3y
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.

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  (479): Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success. http://tfl.nu/y7jz
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.

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  (612): Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON. http://tfl.nu/8yy5
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown

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  (+44): We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown http://tfl.nu/o3v8
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  And vodka?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  And vodka.

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  (304): The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period. (1-304): And vodka? (304): And vodka. http://tfl.nu/b29x
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  (619): View more from California

  Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?

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  (619): Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex? http://tfl.nu/8w6e
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  (845): View more from New York

  YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

  (1-914): View more from New York

  YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

  (845): View more from New York

  I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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  (845): YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE (1-914): YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING. (845): I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER http://tfl.nu/t573
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?

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  (520): Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight? http://tfl.nu/4mcq
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.

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  (609): Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him. http://tfl.nu/iwv9
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.

  (254): View more from Texas

  It's 2 pm....

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  (940): I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas. (254): It's 2 pm.... http://tfl.nu/onth
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  (315): View more from New York

  My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.

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  (315): My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off. http://tfl.nu/m48w
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Not as covert as you thought huh?

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  (740): Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years (614): Not as covert as you thought huh? http://tfl.nu/u7wd
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  I think I might cry.

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  (417): I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully. (1-417): I think I might cry. http://tfl.nu/g5az
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."

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  (515): My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches." http://tfl.nu/3hga
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.

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  (603): I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused. http://tfl.nu/l3qm
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.

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  (216): I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right. http://tfl.nu/rt33
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.

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  (217): Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons. http://tfl.nu/9jo6
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.

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  (952): WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms. http://tfl.nu/gsmc
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now

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  (604): Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now http://tfl.nu/0ski
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.

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  (218): my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor. http://tfl.nu/6k19
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"

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  (502): Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights" http://tfl.nu/0e71
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.

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  (603): I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success. http://tfl.nu/py46
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.

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  (417): I rocked my own world, he was just a prop. http://tfl.nu/bt1f
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  (323): View more from California

  Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....

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  (323): Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner.... http://tfl.nu/erk9
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  (518): View more from New York

  You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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  (518): You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with http://tfl.nu/vbdb
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.

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  (705): My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class. http://tfl.nu/olmr
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.

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  (270): Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad. http://tfl.nu/hoxr
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.

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  (215): i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none. http://tfl.nu/avo6
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer

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  (306): All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer http://tfl.nu/jur4
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...

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  (270): I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night... http://tfl.nu/q37f
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.

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  (404): May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks. http://tfl.nu/ar41
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.

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  (479): There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell. http://tfl.nu/h1ye
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.

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  (412): I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause. http://tfl.nu/76t1
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.

  (1-504): View more from Louisiana

  Oh shit. This is getting real.

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  (504): Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning. (1-504): Oh shit. This is getting real. http://tfl.nu/zlj3
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.

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  (337): Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed. http://tfl.nu/ptzk
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  (510): View more from California

  She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.

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  (510): She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again. http://tfl.nu/2r7a
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise

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  (814): i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise http://tfl.nu/29uw
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?

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  (320): How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...? http://tfl.nu/7ruq
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!

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  (901): You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?! http://tfl.nu/9kiq
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).

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  (719): She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree). http://tfl.nu/fkun
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent

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  (937): Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent http://tfl.nu/u4ks
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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  (508): Let me tell you the story of bicurious george http://tfl.nu/xwje
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.

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  (210): Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married. http://tfl.nu/tr6n
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party

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  (617): She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party http://tfl.nu/crsc
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  (716): View more from New York

  Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?

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  (716): Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog? http://tfl.nu/399r
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.

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  (250): She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever. http://tfl.nu/asbh
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.

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  (414): yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour. http://tfl.nu/t1tz
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!

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  (240): The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different! http://tfl.nu/rsm4
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me

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  (573): I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me http://tfl.nu/p784
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  (716): View more from New York

  You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage

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  (716): You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage http://tfl.nu/tfgj
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny

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  (609): And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny http://tfl.nu/jdju
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.

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  (248): All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude. http://tfl.nu/8z2h
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven

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  (215): Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven http://tfl.nu/y2y3
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.

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  (484): We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town. http://tfl.nu/27ii
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.

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  (912): Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever. http://tfl.nu/pxkj
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

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  (770): There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese. (404): My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe. http://tfl.nu/muox
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners

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  (551): Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners http://tfl.nu/77j3
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.

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  (603): I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there. http://tfl.nu/rrty
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.

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  (704): From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting. http://tfl.nu/uwdf
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  (253): View more from Washington

  For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.

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  (253): For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo. http://tfl.nu/ryca
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop

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  (925): I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop http://tfl.nu/0pj9
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.

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  (952): Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me. http://tfl.nu/gmmg
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  (559): View more from California

  so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"

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  (559): so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?" http://tfl.nu/cy8a
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  8===D

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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  (412): 8===D (412): That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me. http://tfl.nu/yh0b
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  (858): View more from California

  CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!

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  (858): CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples! http://tfl.nu/mwbo
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...

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  (706): It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend... http://tfl.nu/nn4b
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.

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  (910): I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex. http://tfl.nu/1bgl
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life

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  (937): Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life http://tfl.nu/0ubb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  YES.

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  (513): People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join? (1-513): YES. http://tfl.nu/e51l
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."

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  (252): I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE." http://tfl.nu/xtai
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again

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  (419): Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again http://tfl.nu/9um4
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.

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  (314): It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved. http://tfl.nu/gg0m
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Fuhga

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Thank you.

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  (250): The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive. (905): Fuhga (250): Thank you. http://tfl.nu/3pok
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  (818): View more from California

  end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin

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  (818): end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin http://tfl.nu/ky3g
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  (518): View more from New York

  He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.

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  (518): He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around. http://tfl.nu/trrm
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.

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  (336): I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it. http://tfl.nu/1f7k
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.

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  (513): These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours. http://tfl.nu/mjj7
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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  (309): well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly http://tfl.nu/pg5j
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  (914): View more from New York

  Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.

  (1-914): View more from New York

  You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.

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  (914): Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county. (1-914): You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud. http://tfl.nu/15gl
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.

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  (314): Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day. http://tfl.nu/blek
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  (714): View more from California

  Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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  (714): Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee. http://tfl.nu/zv29
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.

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  (413): he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs. http://tfl.nu/bd7x
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.

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  (513): If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy. http://tfl.nu/099u
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.

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  (551): Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win. http://tfl.nu/l1vw
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  (650): View more from California

  No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.

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  (650): No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady. http://tfl.nu/wggf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.

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  (314): Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back. http://tfl.nu/xqdn
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits

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  (217): I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits http://tfl.nu/cv3j
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  (718): View more from New York

  Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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  (718): Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really. http://tfl.nu/n2d1
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER

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  (434): THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER http://tfl.nu/7inm
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo

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  (540): I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo http://tfl.nu/4u98
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.

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  (512): Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all. http://tfl.nu/2na6
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked

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  (309): I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked http://tfl.nu/2y25
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous

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  (860): next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous http://tfl.nu/uxgf
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  (585): View more from New York

  I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  I regret none of it.

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  (585): I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house. (1-585): I regret none of it. http://tfl.nu/t45o
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  (845): View more from New York

  i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend

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  (845): i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend http://tfl.nu/47gg
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha

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  (515): Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha http://tfl.nu/i50q
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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  (647): I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover. http://tfl.nu/tjzc
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  ...Wow...

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I could be a kindergarten teacher

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  (309): It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life. (1-309): ...Wow... (309): I could be a kindergarten teacher http://tfl.nu/o4tt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  Tis the season.

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  (309): I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring. (1-309): Tis the season. http://tfl.nu/pjke
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops

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  (908): Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops http://tfl.nu/wq2e
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?

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  (386): Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right? http://tfl.nu/g0nq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

  (512): View more from Texas

  This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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  (512): Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it (1-512): We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream... (512): This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life. http://tfl.nu/ar28
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING

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  (907): ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING http://tfl.nu/zq26
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.

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  (802): Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step. http://tfl.nu/mq9b
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!

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  (435): I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!! http://tfl.nu/1ljj
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

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  (816): Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is. http://tfl.nu/ytcu
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  (805): View more from California

  I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace

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  (805): I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace http://tfl.nu/uk2m
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.

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  (520): Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are. http://tfl.nu/sjk3
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  (+86): View more from China

  Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.

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  (+86): Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs. http://tfl.nu/vpgv
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  (585): View more from New York

  WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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  (585): WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY! http://tfl.nu/cmgh
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.

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  (678): Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times. http://tfl.nu/yq2x
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.

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  (989): I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story. http://tfl.nu/i8j1
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  (518): View more from New York

  It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.

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  (518): It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic. http://tfl.nu/f2uk
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had

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  (937): whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had http://tfl.nu/mht2
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Why did I wake up by myself then?

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  (404): Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach? (1-404): At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place. (404): Why did I wake up by myself then? http://tfl.nu/82c4
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...

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  (540): It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces... http://tfl.nu/y5ts
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  i found out she really is a mensa member

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party

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  (484): i found out she really is a mensa member (215): so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party http://tfl.nu/5lqf
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?

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  (404): Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint? http://tfl.nu/u2ry
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

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  (727): I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening? http://tfl.nu/i8s4
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  (914): View more from New York

  Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator

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  (914): Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator http://tfl.nu/9f4r
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  (650): View more from California

  We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

  (650): View more from California

  And so far nothing been broken!

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  (650): We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum. (650): And so far nothing been broken! http://tfl.nu/0yij
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

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  (605): and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno. http://tfl.nu/gxse
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

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  (903): I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper. http://tfl.nu/88zt
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  (607): View more from New York

  No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

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  (607): No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk. http://tfl.nu/h3m8
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

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  (+44): One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend. http://tfl.nu/kcdy
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  (406): View more from Montana

  We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.

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  (406): We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/u1e7
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

  (316): View more from Kansas

  That's the best creepy text ever.

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  (602): Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday. (316): That's the best creepy text ever. http://tfl.nu/6lgb
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads

  (1-787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Croutons?

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  (787): He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads (1-787): Croutons? http://tfl.nu/yr5t
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.

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  (708): I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures. http://tfl.nu/74dn
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  (987): View more from

  Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.

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  (987): Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes. http://tfl.nu/pzcq
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face

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  (304): I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face http://tfl.nu/lyd3
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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  (732): we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know http://tfl.nu/1cmn
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?

  (678): View more from Georgia

  4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee

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  (770): How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night? (678): 4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee http://tfl.nu/1zan
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX

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  (703): He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX http://tfl.nu/gbwm
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?

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  (856): i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me? http://tfl.nu/5yrh
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.

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  (417): Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny. http://tfl.nu/ihx0
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.

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  (250): Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles. http://tfl.nu/jjec
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!

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  (678): He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!! http://tfl.nu/91da
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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  (334): My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace? http://tfl.nu/t8sy
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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  (660): On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics. http://tfl.nu/mn1y
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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  (410): We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off. http://tfl.nu/hhrd
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  (619): View more from California

  Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.

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  (619): Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop. http://tfl.nu/mw0u
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  (619): View more from California

  I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.

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  (619): I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth. http://tfl.nu/xt4j
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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  (208): He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in http://tfl.nu/d89r
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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  (321): Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting. http://tfl.nu/c1w6
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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  (815): Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again http://tfl.nu/470y
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?

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  (651): When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon? http://tfl.nu/vd47
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm hungry

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex

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  (215): I'm hungry (1-215): Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex http://tfl.nu/pt2l
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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  (916): I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me. http://tfl.nu/xyna
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I hear you

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  (613): I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting. (250): I hear you http://tfl.nu/kr1l
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  (585): View more from New York

  Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.

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  (585): Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle. http://tfl.nu/a803
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  (310): View more from California

  we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck

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  (310): we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck http://tfl.nu/7dck
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.

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  (651): Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult. http://tfl.nu/x3id
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome

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  (832): Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome http://tfl.nu/hrea
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  (305): View more from Florida

  She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

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  (305): She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered" http://tfl.nu/7vwf
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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  (843): I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are. http://tfl.nu/lq46
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

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  (517): I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/jhvn
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.

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  (603): Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight. http://tfl.nu/c8kn
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.

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  (870): I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer. http://tfl.nu/bxkb
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

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  (540): AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA http://tfl.nu/16eo
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

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  (586): Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face" http://tfl.nu/ajht
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

  (1-623): View more from Arizona

  That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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  (623): Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice. (1-623): That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me http://tfl.nu/ei2r
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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  (781): And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today. http://tfl.nu/2n0s
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  (619): View more from California

  I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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  (619): I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit http://tfl.nu/iywm
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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  (609): Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps http://tfl.nu/8xhn
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.

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  (402): The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms. http://tfl.nu/7exr
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.

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  (+44): I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it. http://tfl.nu/xxfg
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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  (512): Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong http://tfl.nu/wvqv
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend

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  (+44): I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend http://tfl.nu/ua0w
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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  (908): You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over http://tfl.nu/or3u
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

  (940): View more from Texas

  Deal.

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  (281): Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass. (940): Deal. http://tfl.nu/ji2y
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  (949): View more from California

  She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

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  (949): She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed. http://tfl.nu/t3mj
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?

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  (216): ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex? http://tfl.nu/h39u
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  (619): View more from California

  Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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  (619): Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time. http://tfl.nu/4w7h
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

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  (567): i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand http://tfl.nu/mvlp
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.

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  (774): You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians. http://tfl.nu/e4s1
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.

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  (931): Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned. http://tfl.nu/a2rg
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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  (606): I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening." http://tfl.nu/f5c0
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