Texts From Last Night

boyinabox's Favorites Texts:

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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.

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  (484): there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now. http://tfl.nu/o3be
  Replies (12) Good night (395) Bad night (1142)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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  (706): I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina http://tfl.nu/j6ze
  Replies (11) Good night (1645) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

  (585): View more from New York

  Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

  (716): View more from New York

  .......

  (585): View more from New York

  I'm just looking out for you.

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  (716): Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday? (585): Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change. (716): ....... (585): I'm just looking out for you. http://tfl.nu/cj8v
  Replies (15) Good night (1735) Bad night (261)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking

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  (813): Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking http://tfl.nu/kd2w
  Replies (3) Good night (548) Bad night (176) Order T-Shirt
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye

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  (763): Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye http://tfl.nu/6gyi
  Replies (8) Good night (399) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

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  (914): Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon. http://tfl.nu/php8
  Replies (7) Good night (1355) Bad night (125) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?

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  (860): I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that? http://tfl.nu/7o3y
  Replies (10) Good night (949) Bad night (143) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm pregnant.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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  (407): I'm pregnant. (1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7
  Replies (15) Good night (974) Bad night (1501) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??

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  (614): The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!?? http://tfl.nu/bmvr
  Replies (7) Good night (354) Bad night (1266)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.

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  (+44): I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina. http://tfl.nu/fp84
  Replies (20) Good night (1370) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

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  (949): So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right? http://tfl.nu/9g1d
  Replies (12) Good night (859) Bad night (458)
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  (310): View more from California

  I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...

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  (310): I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall... http://tfl.nu/nu3z
  Replies (8) Good night (1121) Bad night (303) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"

  (425): View more from Washington

  I want to be you.

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  (360): I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze" (425): I want to be you. http://tfl.nu/ldeq
  Replies (6) Good night (1974) Bad night (321)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Everyone is cheering

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  (404): Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire. (404): Everyone is cheering http://tfl.nu/wh9k
  Replies (4) Good night (1608) Bad night (415)
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  (243): View more from

  We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.

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  (243): We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever. http://tfl.nu/yt9v
  Replies (4) Good night (1165) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...

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  (405): He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door... http://tfl.nu/vmh9
  Replies (3) Good night (853) Bad night (208) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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  (304): She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life? http://tfl.nu/58z3
  Replies (11) Good night (1802) Bad night (213)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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  (919): I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle" http://tfl.nu/r7nr
  Replies (6) Good night (3210) Bad night (319) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!

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  (518): Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top! http://tfl.nu/ukef
  Replies (0) Good night (1143) Bad night (259)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.

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  (413): I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR. http://tfl.nu/5elj
  Replies (16) Good night (2458) Bad night (470)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face

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  (330): I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face http://tfl.nu/xoka
  Replies (7) Good night (449) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.

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  (740): My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often. http://tfl.nu/0pbg
  Replies (3) Good night (1397) Bad night (263) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?

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  (254): What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch? http://tfl.nu/qe37
  Replies (11) Good night (1370) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot

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  (810): Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot http://tfl.nu/f236
  Replies (5) Good night (1511) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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  (931): Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this. http://tfl.nu/inch
  Replies (8) Good night (3729) Bad night (393)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.

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  (304): The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke. http://tfl.nu/dnme
  Replies (9) Good night (1801) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Everything hurts.

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  (805): Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all? (313): Everything hurts. http://tfl.nu/wajp
  Replies (10) Good night (1377) Bad night (298)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

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  (501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie. http://tfl.nu/eccp
  Replies (4) Good night (1852) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!

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  (561): This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED! http://tfl.nu/seat
  Replies (12) Good night (1881) Bad night (292) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  What bar did i puke in last night

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on

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  (412): What bar did i puke in last night (1-412): by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on http://tfl.nu/6tef
  Replies (4) Good night (587) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.

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  (910): Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me. http://tfl.nu/zvsa
  Replies (2) Good night (762) Bad night (273) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."

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  (248): Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent." http://tfl.nu/u4zv
  Replies (6) Good night (1404) Bad night (261)
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude

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  (318): You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude http://tfl.nu/d0gl
  Replies (10) Good night (1445) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.

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  (740): Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow. http://tfl.nu/oilf
  Replies (11) Good night (1138) Bad night (823) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You almost set me on fire last night.

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  You probably deserved it.

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  (732): You almost set me on fire last night. (1-732): You probably deserved it. http://tfl.nu/ggaf
  Replies (9) Good night (2825) Bad night (270) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.

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  (812): Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs. http://tfl.nu/yev1
  Replies (9) Good night (2653) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize

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  (714): And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize http://tfl.nu/o5b5
  Replies (4) Good night (1590) Bad night (342)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.

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  (651): It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face. http://tfl.nu/y5ia
  Replies (11) Good night (1262) Bad night (577)
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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  (571): How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back. http://tfl.nu/nr6f
  Replies (3) Good night (2718) Bad night (254) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.

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  (281): Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'. http://tfl.nu/zfmg
  Replies (15) Good night (1058) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

  (1+44): View more from

  Doesn't she keep a spare?

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

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  (+44): You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys. (1+44): Doesn't she keep a spare? (+44): Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans. http://tfl.nu/5sic
  Replies (7) Good night (2017) Bad night (314)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom

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  (810): I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom http://tfl.nu/cd2y
  Replies (7) Good night (732) Bad night (1979) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.

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  (757): where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside. http://tfl.nu/wzli
  Replies (6) Good night (1736) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Disregard the shoes in the freezer.

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  (847): Disregard the shoes in the freezer. http://tfl.nu/ak94
  Replies (5) Good night (1346) Bad night (278) Order T-Shirt
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!

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  (251): Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again! http://tfl.nu/h5pv
  Replies (1) Good night (1027) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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  (732): wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/5ca2
  Replies (14) Good night (5961) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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  (402): There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win. http://tfl.nu/2dfk
  Replies (8) Good night (4425) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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  (330): After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant. http://tfl.nu/zp63
  Replies (28) Good night (1105) Bad night (9782) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
  Replies (85) Good night (2632) Bad night (14460)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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  (901): I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole http://tfl.nu/4rln
  Replies (12) Good night (5176) Bad night (914)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

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  (602): Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter. http://tfl.nu/60s7
  Replies (17) Good night (865) Bad night (4444) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

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  (305): So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor. http://tfl.nu/ur1k
  Replies (6) Good night (1868) Bad night (446) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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  (910): I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers http://tfl.nu/vom9
  Replies (16) Good night (784) Bad night (4799)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.

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  (713): She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife. http://tfl.nu/71gc
  Replies (24) Good night (5185) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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  (630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends. (1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs... http://tfl.nu/id4n
  Replies (51) Good night (9961) Bad night (1173)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

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  (252): It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there. http://tfl.nu/94gv
  Replies (16) Good night (826) Bad night (3043) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.

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  (518): i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that. http://tfl.nu/4wam
  Replies (1) Good night (687) Bad night (2339) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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  (845): Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn? http://tfl.nu/bm5d
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.

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  (740): i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast. http://tfl.nu/envw
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  (415): View more from California

  Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

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  (415): Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok http://tfl.nu/rrpn
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry

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  (781): btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry http://tfl.nu/6odg
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?

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  (215): what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop? http://tfl.nu/1iue
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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  (717): One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date. http://tfl.nu/fy3f
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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  (480): Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room. (1-480): Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess? (480): You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about. http://tfl.nu/fd7a
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.

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  (403): you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion. http://tfl.nu/ldji
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  (206): View more from Washington

  So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...

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  (206): So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present... http://tfl.nu/f3rc
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

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  (502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!! http://tfl.nu/qcph
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?

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  (203): tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please? http://tfl.nu/hm0j
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land

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  (978): a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land http://tfl.nu/vapb
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  (407): View more from Florida

  he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him

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  (407): he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him http://tfl.nu/igzq
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  (254): View more from Texas

  There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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  (254): There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator http://tfl.nu/goje
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger

  (708): View more from Illinois

  You are the reason we need health care reform

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  (773): When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger (708): You are the reason we need health care reform http://tfl.nu/m8x5
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  (714): View more from California

  DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"

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  (714): DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job" http://tfl.nu/slki
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  (509): View more from Washington

  That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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  (509): That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis http://tfl.nu/pim3
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

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  (816): no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help. http://tfl.nu/7acp
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  (979): View more from Texas

  We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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  (979): We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it. http://tfl.nu/1cxu
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.

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  (307): i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian. http://tfl.nu/fuqa
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.

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  (903): He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan. http://tfl.nu/b8b3
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  found the other keg... it's in the tree

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  (905): found the other keg... it's in the tree http://tfl.nu/nyfo
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  (469): View more from Texas

  You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

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  (469): You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk. http://tfl.nu/g688
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  (+35): View more from

  Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?

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  (+35): Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck? http://tfl.nu/h4m7
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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  (937): Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies. http://tfl.nu/1bgy
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars

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  (614): Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars http://tfl.nu/pbzi
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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  (260): dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian? (1-260): what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing http://tfl.nu/axih
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.

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  (614): Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop. http://tfl.nu/e8lv
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  (305): View more from Florida

  What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..

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  (305): What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on.. http://tfl.nu/a0r6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?

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  (303): Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night? http://tfl.nu/dyw8
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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  (505): I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am. http://tfl.nu/o50r
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...

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  (215): The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on (267): It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID... http://tfl.nu/2nuu
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.

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  (262): just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard. http://tfl.nu/jn37
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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  (816): My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles http://tfl.nu/kz93
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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  (412): Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life http://tfl.nu/5boh
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  (716): View more from New York

  I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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  (716): I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk. http://tfl.nu/wlu8
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  (817): View more from Texas

  As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.

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  (817): As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie. http://tfl.nu/p0o8
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup

  (303): View more from Colorado

  now he is talking to a potato

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  (303): these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup (303): now he is talking to a potato http://tfl.nu/8rlu
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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  (250): A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja http://tfl.nu/h6o5
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Whoa, you know how to pick em.

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  (440): She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave. (216): Whoa, you know how to pick em. http://tfl.nu/b5eo
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  (818): View more from California

  Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself

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  (818): Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself http://tfl.nu/kb63
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

  (1-337): View more from Louisiana

  so you admit it was good then??

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  (337): if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600. (1-337): so you admit it was good then?? http://tfl.nu/xl9i
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  pants will make it better? really?

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  (804): I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand. (1-804): pants will make it better? really? http://tfl.nu/cx1r
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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  (719): Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby". http://tfl.nu/v0w5
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

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  (708): My lips are sealed. Both pairs. http://tfl.nu/26rg
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

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  (702): i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again. http://tfl.nu/kiui
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.

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  (770): Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway. http://tfl.nu/stcx
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
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  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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  (513): I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors http://tfl.nu/2p2o
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  (716): View more from New York

  I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything

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  (716): I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything http://tfl.nu/duov
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

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  (201): On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion http://tfl.nu/9p9w
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nobody is perfect

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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  (816): I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page. (913): Nobody is perfect (816): I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other http://tfl.nu/yd5r
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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  (859): you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'. http://tfl.nu/aatj
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
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  (831): View more from California

  maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick

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  (831): maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick http://tfl.nu/1wa4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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  (412): You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off.. http://tfl.nu/ermc
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...

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  (602): Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship... http://tfl.nu/dw4u
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex

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  (404): I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex http://tfl.nu/l7ka
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.

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  (519): sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass. http://tfl.nu/vgdt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

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  (615): If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face http://tfl.nu/2kqd
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Party in the USA is so catchy!

  (863): View more from Florida

  Yea, so is AIDS.

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  (305): Party in the USA is so catchy! (863): Yea, so is AIDS. http://tfl.nu/nzzd
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.

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  (484): We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/e0nu
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  (707): View more from California

  is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

  (408): View more from California

  your beer goggles are on backwards.

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  (707): is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive?? (408): your beer goggles are on backwards. http://tfl.nu/ojnh
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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  (912): Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch. http://tfl.nu/z7wv
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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  (402): You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people http://tfl.nu/4rzl
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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  (248): No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut. http://tfl.nu/0bwj
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  (951): View more from California

  Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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  (951): Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem. http://tfl.nu/85aq
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.

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  (519): No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike. http://tfl.nu/0ndc
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

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  (910): Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap. http://tfl.nu/jw87
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now

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  (314): she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now http://tfl.nu/v305
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  (516): View more from New York

  I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.

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  (516): I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears. http://tfl.nu/nh7v
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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  (717): Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error. (1-717): Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening. http://tfl.nu/753x
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits

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  (860): Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits http://tfl.nu/8x16
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol

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  (503): Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol http://tfl.nu/9mqs
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift

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  (406): Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift http://tfl.nu/uiqc
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

  (850): View more from Florida

  wtf?

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm going back tonight

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  (270): Her idea of kinky involved a tazer (850): wtf? (270): I'm going back tonight http://tfl.nu/a9kb
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.

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  (202): In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American. http://tfl.nu/gnds
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  (360): View more from Washington

  What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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  (360): What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is. http://tfl.nu/1m0s
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.

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  (952): It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix. http://tfl.nu/eau6
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.

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  (608): He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does. http://tfl.nu/dgwh
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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  (989): walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too. http://tfl.nu/do4j
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  (716): View more from New York

  I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.

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  (716): I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start. http://tfl.nu/5uu7
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

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  (570): You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash. http://tfl.nu/b0ts
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  (081): View more from

  KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!

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  (081): KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP! http://tfl.nu/zqfd
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far

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  (514): It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far http://tfl.nu/0vof
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  (585): View more from New York

  yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

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  (585): yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign. http://tfl.nu/yitg
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

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  (580): She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head. http://tfl.nu/4ro8
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  So glad I found your sister.

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  (240): There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find. (443): So glad I found your sister. http://tfl.nu/p3yp
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  (253): View more from Washington

  At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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  (253): At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets. http://tfl.nu/s5np
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

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  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha

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  (618): I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha http://tfl.nu/vgio
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  (559): View more from California

  He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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  (559): He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him. http://tfl.nu/1qyh
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone just got laid.

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  (480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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  (609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Did u at least say sorry?

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  (732): I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet. (908): Did u at least say sorry? http://tfl.nu/m6e4
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.

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  (954): I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay. http://tfl.nu/qnk1
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  (079): View more from

  I think we need to take a brake

  (078): View more from

  What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

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  (079): I think we need to take a brake (078): What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake' http://tfl.nu/ju32
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.

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  (317): Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will. http://tfl.nu/znpi
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  (805): View more from California

  my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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  (805): my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad. http://tfl.nu/gbnx
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  (253): View more from Washington

  You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!

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  (253): You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!! http://tfl.nu/4k8v
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.

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  (337): Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture. http://tfl.nu/8896
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.

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  (208): She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement. http://tfl.nu/tf3a
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.

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  (785): Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage. http://tfl.nu/6qi6
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.

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  (913): did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box. http://tfl.nu/h01u
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  (315): View more from New York

  You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning

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  (315): You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning http://tfl.nu/dkck
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis

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  (202): Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis http://tfl.nu/68pm
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.

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  (321): We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you. http://tfl.nu/1l5x
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  (518): View more from New York

  Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.

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  (518): Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower. http://tfl.nu/xf7t
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  (914): View more from New York

  No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?

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  (914): No mixer. Vodka in yogurt? http://tfl.nu/c5w2
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it

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  (940): I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it http://tfl.nu/c2d6
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  the part where you beat me to him

  (410): View more from Maryland

  fair enough.

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  (410): what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?! (1-410): the part where you beat me to him (410): fair enough. http://tfl.nu/4y3l
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.

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  (406): I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation. http://tfl.nu/zwu5
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.

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  (703): Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything. http://tfl.nu/6ga5
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you said candy land and then passed out.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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  (215): you said candy land and then passed out. (215): ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks. http://tfl.nu/gx08
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  (386): View more from Florida

  At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?

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  (386): At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"? http://tfl.nu/260m
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  (347): View more from New York

  I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.

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  (347): I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of. http://tfl.nu/xmgz
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.

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  (734): The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake. http://tfl.nu/3nh1
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.

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  (540): He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad. http://tfl.nu/cg55
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  (283): View more from Ohio

  He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.

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  (283): He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought. http://tfl.nu/hl8d
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

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  (912): Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back http://tfl.nu/294t
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  (813): View more from Florida

  EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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  (813): EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order? http://tfl.nu/uphg
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."

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  (719): He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it." http://tfl.nu/ssx2
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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  (860): You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie. http://tfl.nu/zzfj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!

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  (303): Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?! http://tfl.nu/om37
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  (626): View more from California

  Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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  (626): Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester? http://tfl.nu/lq06
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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  (248): He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup. http://tfl.nu/dnmt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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  (703): As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake". http://tfl.nu/w0jz
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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  (812): Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk. http://tfl.nu/ok5q
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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  (865): Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris" http://tfl.nu/5ny6
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS

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  (717): Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS http://tfl.nu/pbtw
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?

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  (801): Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous? http://tfl.nu/yl4t
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

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  (614): I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening? http://tfl.nu/furs
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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  (407): Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer. http://tfl.nu/w1nq
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

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  (603): they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out http://tfl.nu/559d
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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  (780): So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends? http://tfl.nu/kqn5
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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  (770): you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why. (678): THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/cex4
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.

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  (641): My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days. http://tfl.nu/soru
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.

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  (812): I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy. http://tfl.nu/z5fr
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  And by one day I mean once every two weeks.

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  (604): If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob. (604): And by one day I mean once every two weeks. http://tfl.nu/w0wa
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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  (613): I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party. http://tfl.nu/ibqy
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.

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  (609): and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier. http://tfl.nu/u9m6
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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  (321): It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical. http://tfl.nu/ps02
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  (917): View more from New York City

  She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

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  (917): She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for. http://tfl.nu/k05b
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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  (386): I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness http://tfl.nu/l65r
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  (348): View more from

  Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

  (1-348): View more from

  You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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  (348): Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place. (1-348): You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion. http://tfl.nu/i2j4
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  Best Friends For Life.

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  (815): You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub. (1-815): Best Friends For Life. http://tfl.nu/ev62
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  (941): View more from Florida

  It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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  (941): It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere. (1-941): Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine. http://tfl.nu/u4qq
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right

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  (515): nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right http://tfl.nu/dqke
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Can I have him when you're done?

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  (903): He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding (541): Can I have him when you're done? http://tfl.nu/4y2y
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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  (407): I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom. http://tfl.nu/s7cn
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever

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  (720): My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever http://tfl.nu/wkge
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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  (215): took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours http://tfl.nu/otx8
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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  (302): She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before. http://tfl.nu/kra3
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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  (314): You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out... http://tfl.nu/a1pv
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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  (405): Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine. http://tfl.nu/l1h6
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

  (614): View more from Ohio

  We've got ourselves a situation

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  (614): Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and.... (614): We've got ourselves a situation http://tfl.nu/efwe
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.

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  (407): Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer. http://tfl.nu/hnl7
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?

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  (+61): And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up? http://tfl.nu/g9ke
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.

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  (303): i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once. http://tfl.nu/besu
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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  (608): This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night. http://tfl.nu/r58q
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.

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  (313): theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen. http://tfl.nu/by0t
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.

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  (317): Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother. http://tfl.nu/z8j5
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?

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  (973): I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now? http://tfl.nu/r8kl
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

  (253): View more from Washington

  you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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  (360): Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone. (253): you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker. http://tfl.nu/ov6f
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  (805): View more from California

  Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?

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  (805): Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin? http://tfl.nu/mg03
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

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  (563): he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on. http://tfl.nu/j2lo
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.

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  (513): I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate. http://tfl.nu/sg11
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

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  (970): I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/vise
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

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  (919): I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping. http://tfl.nu/iyfp
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

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  (608): He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks. http://tfl.nu/svc2
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs

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  (860): I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs http://tfl.nu/e3vg
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.

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  (+44): I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs. http://tfl.nu/qoq8
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Casually had to file a missing persons report last night

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  (703): Casually had to file a missing persons report last night http://tfl.nu/xg7g
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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  (502): Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway. http://tfl.nu/fbtk
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  (213): View more from California

  Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??

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  (213): Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast?? http://tfl.nu/wkuh
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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  (519): I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning (519): Omg I think I'm in the wrong class http://tfl.nu/znqx
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...

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  (608): This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me... http://tfl.nu/38uj
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You went to jail last night?!

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  Just a little bit.

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  (910): You went to jail last night?! (1-910): Just a little bit. http://tfl.nu/exzq
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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  (484): i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen. http://tfl.nu/hdza
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  (213): View more from California

  My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."

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  (213): My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie." http://tfl.nu/jevy
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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  (905): Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass. http://tfl.nu/tco3
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

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  (316): There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day. http://tfl.nu/dhd7
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  (949): View more from California

  He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.

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  (949): He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men. http://tfl.nu/p93f
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.

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  (417): I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW. http://tfl.nu/qeni
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

  (713): View more from Texas

  So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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  (832): The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house (713): So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh? http://tfl.nu/xori
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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  (+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!" http://tfl.nu/eeqt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Marry him. Now.

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  (570): He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight. (1-570): Marry him. Now. http://tfl.nu/5wky
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  (432): View more from Texas

  I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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  (432): I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line. http://tfl.nu/q8nl
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

  (425): View more from Washington

  Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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  (206): What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again? (425): Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing. http://tfl.nu/l4cd
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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  (314): You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you. http://tfl.nu/pksa
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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  (903): Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ? http://tfl.nu/d8rt
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  (279): View more from

  Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

  (574): View more from Indiana

  You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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  (279): Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones? (574): You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you http://tfl.nu/23r0
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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  (712): I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/bjop
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  (310): View more from California

  I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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  (310): I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied. http://tfl.nu/wnhg
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  (253): View more from Washington

  There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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  (253): There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs. http://tfl.nu/3p74
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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  (305): It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you. http://tfl.nu/cw12
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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  (201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56
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  (917): View more from New York City

  when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

  (347): View more from New York

  he is a god among men.

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  (917): when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment. (917): Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles. (347): he is a god among men. http://tfl.nu/gmep
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.

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  (812): Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding. http://tfl.nu/ofow
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.

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  (812): Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair. http://tfl.nu/ggur
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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  (419): They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that. http://tfl.nu/gjrr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.

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  (703): There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened. http://tfl.nu/llik
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.

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  (240): YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN. http://tfl.nu/d5pr
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  He smells so good today

  (1-641): View more from Iowa

  Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.

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  (641): He smells so good today (1-641): Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit. http://tfl.nu/5jte
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.

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  (937): She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend. http://tfl.nu/pjkv
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

  (+48): View more from Poland

  Poland

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  (+44): You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you? (+48): Poland http://tfl.nu/96rz
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  (530): View more from California

  Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.

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  (530): Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking. http://tfl.nu/izw9
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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  (317): I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you." http://tfl.nu/oa2r
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?

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  (678): When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was? http://tfl.nu/rsyp
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.

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  (504): I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit. http://tfl.nu/0gcq
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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  (203): You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly http://tfl.nu/snl2
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.

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  (434): For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass. http://tfl.nu/3jfn
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.

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  (856): After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk. http://tfl.nu/r983
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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  (859): I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital." http://tfl.nu/3xux
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST

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  (248): THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST http://tfl.nu/uts3
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.

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  (330): Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette. http://tfl.nu/sax7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides

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  (617): I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides http://tfl.nu/z2rz
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  (801): View more from Utah

  When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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  (801): When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married? http://tfl.nu/a2v4
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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  (608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal. http://tfl.nu/so63
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.

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  (509): Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year. http://tfl.nu/o1qc
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex

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  (816): i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex http://tfl.nu/eas7
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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  (843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true http://tfl.nu/y8hf
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.

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  (215): I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka. http://tfl.nu/sqs3
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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