Texts From Last Night

swallows's Favorites Texts:

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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room

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  (502): Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room http://tfl.nu/pqte
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  (415): View more from California

  I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes

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  (415): I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes http://tfl.nu/o499
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  (075): View more from

  thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.

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  (075): thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs. http://tfl.nu/pfb6
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.

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  (719): I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/5dxo
  Replies (11) Good night (874) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  By a pack of ravenous dildos

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  (615): Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right? (1-615): By a pack of ravenous dildos http://tfl.nu/hx21
  Replies (3) Good night (1385) Bad night (131) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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  (774): I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it. http://tfl.nu/ttfm
  Replies (22) Good night (3125) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.

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  (+44): I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina. http://tfl.nu/fp84
  Replies (20) Good night (1396) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.

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  (412): So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now. http://tfl.nu/x0w2
  Replies (5) Good night (1019) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.

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  (785): if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start. http://tfl.nu/i0wv
  Replies (12) Good night (437) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.

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  (651): We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom. http://tfl.nu/dyyq
  Replies (3) Good night (1636) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?

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  (303): Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself? http://tfl.nu/1puu
  Replies (6) Good night (1070) Bad night (162) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

  (315): View more from New York

  I get naked cuz your not there

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  (607): Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?! (315): I get naked cuz your not there http://tfl.nu/p9qb
  Replies (12) Good night (1922) Bad night (254)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview

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  (850): No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview http://tfl.nu/suz9
  Replies (5) Good night (702) Bad night (197) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?

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  (303): I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies (1-303): You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you? http://tfl.nu/cczo
  Replies (5) Good night (938) Bad night (207) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.

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  (601): When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub. http://tfl.nu/pgrs
  Replies (7) Good night (1229) Bad night (174) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  What changed your mind?

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  Being sober

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  (616): What changed your mind? (1-616): Being sober http://tfl.nu/yhh4
  Replies (3) Good night (1064) Bad night (201) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.

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  (302): You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English. http://tfl.nu/fod6
  Replies (5) Good night (318) Bad night (1141)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.

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  (210): I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them. http://tfl.nu/a4vh
  Replies (9) Good night (341) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

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  (610): I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands. (908): Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful. http://tfl.nu/kbfw
  Replies (6) Good night (663) Bad night (527)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.

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  (605): Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything. http://tfl.nu/vz1g
  Replies (4) Good night (370) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.

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  (650): My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings. http://tfl.nu/futo
  Replies (14) Good night (1684) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer

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  (315): I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer http://tfl.nu/lerj
  Replies (4) Good night (956) Bad night (146) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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  (215): It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it http://tfl.nu/0xgu
  Replies (7) Good night (1345) Bad night (429)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.

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  (612): Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine. http://tfl.nu/simr
  Replies (5) Good night (269) Bad night (585) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.

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  (517): my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win. http://tfl.nu/1toi
  Replies (7) Good night (1113) Bad night (188) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Way to ruin everything

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid

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  (614): Way to ruin everything (304): I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid http://tfl.nu/wv46
  Replies (5) Good night (1153) Bad night (212)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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  (419): Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate? (1-419): Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly. http://tfl.nu/ok5v
  Replies (18) Good night (2482) Bad night (191) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment

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  (909): So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment http://tfl.nu/2pzw
  Replies (14) Good night (343) Bad night (1807) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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  (406): I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina http://tfl.nu/3xqs
  Replies (19) Good night (1926) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups

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  (650): He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups http://tfl.nu/2ekp
  Replies (4) Good night (1055) Bad night (207) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.

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  (419): Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in. http://tfl.nu/ss55
  Replies (14) Good night (1205) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.

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  (919): being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her. http://tfl.nu/7get
  Replies (13) Good night (1508) Bad night (235)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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  (850): Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made. http://tfl.nu/7051
  Replies (5) Good night (1409) Bad night (233)
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  (696): View more from

  Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?

  (451): View more from

  Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes

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  (696): Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right? (451): Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes http://tfl.nu/39ll
  Replies (7) Good night (1622) Bad night (150)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.

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  (970): I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed. http://tfl.nu/hmgx
  Replies (9) Good night (263) Bad night (1128) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.

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  (714): After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain. http://tfl.nu/appx
  Replies (8) Good night (294) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

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  (+44): It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over. http://tfl.nu/6ffz
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?

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  (702): Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right? http://tfl.nu/4gj4
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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  (919): It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion. http://tfl.nu/luwj
  Replies (9) Good night (2121) Bad night (190) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

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  (850): She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next http://tfl.nu/slhn
  Replies (9) Good night (2950) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

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  (226): This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible. http://tfl.nu/a5mz
  Replies (6) Good night (2263) Bad night (197) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I have a surprise for you

  (1-254): View more from Texas

  Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!

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  (254): I have a surprise for you (1-254): Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy! http://tfl.nu/af5l
  Replies (5) Good night (1916) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...

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  (503): So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address... http://tfl.nu/a3xh
  Replies (6) Good night (1377) Bad night (184) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!

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  (423): You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!! http://tfl.nu/8r5y
  Replies (14) Good night (1082) Bad night (222) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha

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  (317): I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha http://tfl.nu/cxju
  Replies (7) Good night (1782) Bad night (202) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"

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  (509): So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila" http://tfl.nu/anii
  Replies (3) Good night (1648) Bad night (188)
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  (619): View more from California

  I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"

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  (619): I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn" http://tfl.nu/h75w
  Replies (5) Good night (1044) Bad night (233) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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  (778): We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in? http://tfl.nu/nu3d
  Replies (11) Good night (642) Bad night (2361) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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  (931): I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here http://tfl.nu/mh8f
  Replies (4) Good night (1713) Bad night (207) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Ps I am

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  (440): Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now (440): Ps I am http://tfl.nu/ow38
  Replies (8) Good night (1782) Bad night (211)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it

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  (+44): He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it http://tfl.nu/dp2q
  Replies (3) Good night (1312) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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  (541): they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you http://tfl.nu/813g
  Replies (23) Good night (3739) Bad night (225) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Not my cup of tea

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  (250): I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years. (250): Not my cup of tea http://tfl.nu/83fl
  Replies (5) Good night (1135) Bad night (498)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (178) Good night (48611) Bad night (1809)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (284) Good night (60300) Bad night (3664)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.

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  (919): My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it. http://tfl.nu/7nca
  Replies (25) Good night (2507) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs

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  (567): She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs http://tfl.nu/brto
  Replies (9) Good night (2176) Bad night (201) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.

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  (407): work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss. http://tfl.nu/700o
  Replies (15) Good night (2321) Bad night (317) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"

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  (541): I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail" http://tfl.nu/tdde
  Replies (11) Good night (2432) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah, that was you

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  (215): Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick? (215): Yeah, that was you http://tfl.nu/rydz
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

  (1-520): View more from Arizona

  I can pencil you in at 3:30

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  (520): Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk. (1-520): I can pencil you in at 3:30 http://tfl.nu/ztyv
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  (914): View more from New York

  What are you wearing tonight?

  (510): View more from California

  The colors of the winddddddd

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  (914): What are you wearing tonight? (510): The colors of the winddddddd http://tfl.nu/dt24
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  (714): View more from California

  Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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  (714): Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends. http://tfl.nu/ft9d
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Lube is flammable

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who is this??

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  (502): Lube is flammable (404): Who is this?? http://tfl.nu/y4u7
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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  (702): Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/ihoh
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  (212): View more from New York

  how are things with the new girl?

  (917): View more from New York City

  good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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  (212): how are things with the new girl? (917): good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked http://tfl.nu/oe1i
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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  (815): Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time. http://tfl.nu/q2s4
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  sorry

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  why?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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  (301): sorry (304): why? (301): oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you? http://tfl.nu/0491
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
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  (892): View more from

  YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Only one tier

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Tastes like cardboard anyway

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  (892): YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?! (314): Only one tier (314): Tastes like cardboard anyway http://tfl.nu/1yl0
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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  (304): She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life? http://tfl.nu/58z3
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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  (919): I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle" http://tfl.nu/r7nr
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  (631): View more from New York

  I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

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  (631): I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone" http://tfl.nu/bfbc
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Brilliant thought; pill pong.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  What could go wrong?

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  (651): Brilliant thought; pill pong. (651): What could go wrong? http://tfl.nu/lofi
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  (415): View more from California

  I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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  (415): I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history. http://tfl.nu/x6ei
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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  (647): so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together. http://tfl.nu/0wgb
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Agreed.

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  (303): There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree? (1-303): Agreed. http://tfl.nu/l0rd
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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  (225): Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina http://tfl.nu/plxw
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.

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  (989): Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door. http://tfl.nu/7hia
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.

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  (817): Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry. http://tfl.nu/qgh9
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Figured I'd get right to the point

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  (215): My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up." (1-215): Figured I'd get right to the point http://tfl.nu/wgkv
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  (516): View more from New York

  Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.

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  (516): Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper. http://tfl.nu/eehy
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.

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  (613): I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex. http://tfl.nu/n2c2
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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  (717): Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move. http://tfl.nu/kgo8
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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  (218): You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears. http://tfl.nu/cuw5
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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  (480): You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show http://tfl.nu/lsuc
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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  (816): My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles http://tfl.nu/kz93
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday

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  (412): i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed (201): so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday http://tfl.nu/f6fd
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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  (505): I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am. http://tfl.nu/o50r
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.

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  (920): Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be. http://tfl.nu/nyya
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.

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  (215): I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names. http://tfl.nu/kef5
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  What kind of balloon animal was it?

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  (503): you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor. (1-503): What kind of balloon animal was it? http://tfl.nu/lyo1
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.

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  (781): I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever. http://tfl.nu/tgjb
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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  (902): Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask? (902): It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet... http://tfl.nu/mgzk
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  (707): View more from California

  They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

  (705): View more from Ontario

  I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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  (707): They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR. (705): I NEED to see if his girl has a sister. http://tfl.nu/ou19
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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  (847): I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it. http://tfl.nu/gdcc
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  Now it's a party.

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  (270): A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face. (1-270): Now it's a party. http://tfl.nu/6390
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.

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  (505): see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep. http://tfl.nu/be9f
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You went to jail last night?!

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  Just a little bit.

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  (910): You went to jail last night?! (1-910): Just a little bit. http://tfl.nu/exzq
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???

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  (217): How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you??? http://tfl.nu/p9qq
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks

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  (918): All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks http://tfl.nu/j9e3
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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  (440): I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire. http://tfl.nu/vw34
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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  (321): It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical. http://tfl.nu/ps02
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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  (903): Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ? http://tfl.nu/d8rt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.

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  (941): We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships. http://tfl.nu/x14j
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  and you said he wasn't worth calling.

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  (515): he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer. (1-515): and you said he wasn't worth calling. http://tfl.nu/rvi9
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  (914): View more from New York

  My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?

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  (914): My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis? http://tfl.nu/29es
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?

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  (352): Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room? http://tfl.nu/ie68
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.

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  (812): It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus. http://tfl.nu/yin3
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  (253): View more from Washington

  i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

  (253): View more from Washington

  ppsyche im wasted where are you

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  (253): i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down (253): ppsyche im wasted where are you http://tfl.nu/a8tg
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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  (201): MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. http://tfl.nu/cgk3
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.

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  (815): I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost. http://tfl.nu/ucyv
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  (214): View more from Texas

  you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.

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  (214): you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more. http://tfl.nu/8xes
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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  (312): I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks. (224): Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however. http://tfl.nu/lo15
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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  (902): Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years. (1-902): Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies http://tfl.nu/48gx
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.

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  (501): gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable. http://tfl.nu/22ca
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  (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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  (949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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  (740): I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever. http://tfl.nu/glym
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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  (416): Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse. http://tfl.nu/9wwo
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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  (+64): was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ?? http://tfl.nu/6vfo
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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  (715): Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol. http://tfl.nu/cvdz
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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  (806): Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain. http://tfl.nu/iymf
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.

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  (484): omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers. http://tfl.nu/h63v
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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  (248): Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms http://tfl.nu/jxub
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season

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  (860): I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season http://tfl.nu/sdcu
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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  (513): Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done? http://tfl.nu/t5qr
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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  (717): Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION? (410): you are way too vulgar to be a girl http://tfl.nu/3shx
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?

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  (919): Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas? http://tfl.nu/7kpc
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Cats found the secret coke stash again

  (519): View more from Ontario

  They owe us $80.

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  (519): Cats found the secret coke stash again (519): They owe us $80. http://tfl.nu/rzq5
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?

  (1-574): View more from Indiana

  Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.

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  (574): Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for? (1-574): Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina. http://tfl.nu/l0nz
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

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  (905): he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love http://tfl.nu/0ny7
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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  (609): She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew. http://tfl.nu/vnvf
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  (818): View more from California

  we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame

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  (818): we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame http://tfl.nu/cj0v
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?

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  (307): WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT? http://tfl.nu/38wl
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  (914): View more from New York

  Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.

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  (914): Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/4mfa
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's the stuff legends are made of

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  (847): Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate? (412): That's the stuff legends are made of http://tfl.nu/wudz
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
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  (772): View more from Florida

  I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.

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  (772): I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do. http://tfl.nu/7vxu
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.

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  (404): You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control. http://tfl.nu/g1ps
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.

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  (413): she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly. http://tfl.nu/cqp4
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

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  (207): Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer. http://tfl.nu/w95z
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Guess what happened to me today at work?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  I have chlamydia. What happened.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

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  (734): Guess what happened to me today at work? (1-734): I have chlamydia. What happened. (734): Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second. http://tfl.nu/rf53
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

  (623): View more from Arizona

  It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

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  (602): If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection! (623): It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now... http://tfl.nu/u3ol
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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  (717): well in DOG beers, i've only had one http://tfl.nu/2mnf
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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  (941): Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night? http://tfl.nu/uq24
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

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  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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  (484): during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me' http://tfl.nu/06rz
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  (310): View more from California

  Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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  (310): Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well. http://tfl.nu/39wu
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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  (519): she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems http://tfl.nu/ja9t
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.

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  (304): Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea. http://tfl.nu/ejed
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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  (701): He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success. http://tfl.nu/xbmk
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.

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  (623): He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying. http://tfl.nu/tx1i
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.

  (319): View more from Iowa

  You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.

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  (630): So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead. (319): You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you. http://tfl.nu/03d8
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  (607): View more from New York

  It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.

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  (607): It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night. http://tfl.nu/nw26
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.

  (1+44): View more from

  When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.

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  (+44): You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man. (1+44): When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree. http://tfl.nu/esvb
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  (949): View more from California

  So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?

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  (949): So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam? http://tfl.nu/9cgv
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  (360): View more from Washington

  There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.

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  (360): There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe. http://tfl.nu/9hec
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.

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  (989): He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT. http://tfl.nu/p01t
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  (315): View more from New York

  He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.

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  (315): He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like. http://tfl.nu/nq61
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.

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  (907): If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever. http://tfl.nu/sogf
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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  (660): what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate? (816): um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan http://tfl.nu/0tla
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?

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  (806): Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight? http://tfl.nu/jadi
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  (909): View more from California

  Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there

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  (909): Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there http://tfl.nu/y3ph
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.

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  (520): There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in. http://tfl.nu/msb5
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  (+84): View more from

  The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white

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  (+84): The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white http://tfl.nu/gomk
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

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  (918): Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking. http://tfl.nu/gpcu
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face

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  (606): I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face http://tfl.nu/ob2s
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?

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  (202): WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT? http://tfl.nu/xll1
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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  (856): 12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong. (856): Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits http://tfl.nu/ncaq
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.

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  (815): i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past. http://tfl.nu/fh9a
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.

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  (601): Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin. http://tfl.nu/g9sf
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

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  (954): I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter. http://tfl.nu/57tz
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  we already have meals planned for the weekend.

  (1-864): View more from South Carolina

  SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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  (864): we already have meals planned for the weekend. (1-864): SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL. http://tfl.nu/xo3s
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

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  (302): It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex http://tfl.nu/xtt5
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us

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  (715): You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us http://tfl.nu/z8w6
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.

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  (423): His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about. http://tfl.nu/7642
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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  (618): I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed. http://tfl.nu/50l6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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  (314): I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment http://tfl.nu/5u6p
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.

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  (719): You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job. http://tfl.nu/yqtc
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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  (902): New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever . http://tfl.nu/6kwm
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night

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  (952): Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night http://tfl.nu/i23x
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

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  (513): I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star. http://tfl.nu/6ohf
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  (727): View more from Florida

  when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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  (727): when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test. http://tfl.nu/l54a
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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  (603): No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative http://tfl.nu/aljj
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me

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  (814): i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me http://tfl.nu/y6ou
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother

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  (970): they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother http://tfl.nu/e7je
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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  (815): ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this http://tfl.nu/mfxc
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  (707): View more from California

  You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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  (707): You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip" http://tfl.nu/cn9w
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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  (330): theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles. http://tfl.nu/gk69
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  (281): View more from Texas

  seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout

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  (281): seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout http://tfl.nu/w9k1
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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  (+44): We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this. http://tfl.nu/pfxy
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..

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  (410): And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love.. http://tfl.nu/9pu8
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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  (618): Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout. http://tfl.nu/q2nt
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  (916): View more from California

  craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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  (916): craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in? http://tfl.nu/76bu
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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  (417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/md7w
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  (650): View more from California

  Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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  (650): Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother" http://tfl.nu/4czs
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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  (503): Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook. http://tfl.nu/p6bz
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.

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  (819): We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive. http://tfl.nu/7d2g
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey

  (1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

  ugh yes i love our date nights

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  (814): i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey (1-814): ugh yes i love our date nights http://tfl.nu/d1p8
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.

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  (256): I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him. http://tfl.nu/7zd5
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  (315): View more from New York

  found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.

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  (315): found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital. http://tfl.nu/yphr
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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  (443): She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life http://tfl.nu/dd6j
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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  (630): Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit. http://tfl.nu/nygb
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?

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  (703): What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'? http://tfl.nu/3ece
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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  (229): I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight. http://tfl.nu/g7ms
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

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  (630): He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses. http://tfl.nu/2f5f
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.

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  (401): She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal. http://tfl.nu/0f54
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.

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  (217): it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex. http://tfl.nu/bdfn
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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  (832): Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday? http://tfl.nu/ynw6
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  (845): View more from New York

  she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave

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  (845): she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave http://tfl.nu/ylty
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

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  (517): Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever. http://tfl.nu/mubr
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.

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  (541): side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children. http://tfl.nu/bng1
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive

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  (574): Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive http://tfl.nu/wu3i
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.

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  (940): Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America. http://tfl.nu/rtd9
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?

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  (973): so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/8siv
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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  (409): Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me. http://tfl.nu/r0oo
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

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  (417): She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit. http://tfl.nu/3bxb
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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  (240): i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark. http://tfl.nu/ophf
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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  (306): I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes' http://tfl.nu/oxkp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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  (616): they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter http://tfl.nu/a4jz
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.

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  (205): She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school. http://tfl.nu/upz2
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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  (517): Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever. http://tfl.nu/fx8m
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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  (205): I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab. http://tfl.nu/cf76
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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  (847): I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink. http://tfl.nu/akmh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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  (703): She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis (1-703): Every man deserves at least one moment like that http://tfl.nu/aq3j
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?

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  (260): did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis? http://tfl.nu/t53m
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  (845): View more from New York

  Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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  (845): Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!" http://tfl.nu/ndk1
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dave a horae rider a coqw boy

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  (414): Dave a horae rider a coqw boy http://tfl.nu/9zpn
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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  (937): Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate http://tfl.nu/e0yr
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  (510): View more from California

  i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.

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  (510): i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again. http://tfl.nu/nfnb
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?

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  (256): Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!? http://tfl.nu/t31p
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them

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  (971): eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them http://tfl.nu/lmi8
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.

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  (604): Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge. http://tfl.nu/yomn
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable

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  (608): dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable http://tfl.nu/uv0g
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  (707): View more from California

  I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet

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  (707): I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet http://tfl.nu/0aqf
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.

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  (804): They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas. http://tfl.nu/dkws
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

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  (813): Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick?? http://tfl.nu/vxvq
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

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  (202): Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this. http://tfl.nu/0xw5
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

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  (606): can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid? http://tfl.nu/7vpt
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  (772): View more from Florida

  At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?

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  (772): At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends? http://tfl.nu/7e4n
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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  (773): We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/dxz2
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  this must be what syphilis tastes like

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  (302): this must be what syphilis tastes like http://tfl.nu/o277
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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  (717): One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date. http://tfl.nu/fy3f
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  (936): View more from Texas

  You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

  (254): View more from Texas

  Challenge accepted.

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  (936): You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home (254): Challenge accepted. http://tfl.nu/oaxm
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.

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  (814): He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well. http://tfl.nu/fer2
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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  (705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

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  (616): what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame? http://tfl.nu/ixm6
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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  (717): he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club http://tfl.nu/6yea
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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  (973): You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later? http://tfl.nu/a1oo
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.

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  (905): If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too. http://tfl.nu/2teh
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom

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  (630): She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom http://tfl.nu/xz6e
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  (347): View more from New York

  the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.

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  (347): the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone. http://tfl.nu/ektw
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate

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  (217): he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate http://tfl.nu/55wo
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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  (561): I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face http://tfl.nu/knsv
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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  (217): I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister. http://tfl.nu/65yp
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.

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  (815): it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries. http://tfl.nu/kdps
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  (562): View more from California

  youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.

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  (562): youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period. http://tfl.nu/nfk9
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

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  (502): How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast http://tfl.nu/g6rv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis

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  (203): apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis http://tfl.nu/rw8g
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  it's like russian roulette but with a penis

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  (480): it's like russian roulette but with a penis http://tfl.nu/nnes
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

  (816): View more from Missouri

  please tell me you are kidding me

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  (913): i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell (816): please tell me you are kidding me http://tfl.nu/zfgp
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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  (952): You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear http://tfl.nu/fvq9
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

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  (571): I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed http://tfl.nu/piiv
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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  (717): Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag. http://tfl.nu/8k5h
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  (512): View more from Texas

  he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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  (512): he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls" http://tfl.nu/sggu
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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  (905): The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty. http://tfl.nu/9wi8
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  (707): View more from California

  so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?

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  (707): so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before? http://tfl.nu/2y4h
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.

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  (907): I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out. http://tfl.nu/os26
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.

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  (309): I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking. http://tfl.nu/amrn
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  What happened to chicks over dicks?

  (1-514): View more from Quebec

  That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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  (514): What happened to chicks over dicks? (1-514): That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks.. http://tfl.nu/nat7
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  (415): View more from California

  I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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  (415): I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number? http://tfl.nu/po3x
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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  (614): I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man http://tfl.nu/8rsc
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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  (503): Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake. http://tfl.nu/amef
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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  (512): I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub. http://tfl.nu/cojk
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.

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  (937): Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream. http://tfl.nu/kpop
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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  (402): I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew. http://tfl.nu/1b9c
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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  (517): My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow. http://tfl.nu/o1qn
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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  (816): Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster. http://tfl.nu/ox02
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.

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  (201): It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb. http://tfl.nu/thcm
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.

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  (703): yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks. http://tfl.nu/ahni
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  (516): View more from New York

  I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye

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  (516): I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye http://tfl.nu/uiop
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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  (402): You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes. http://tfl.nu/0q3l
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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  (205): Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here. http://tfl.nu/viom
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  (585): View more from New York

  i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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  (585): i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair? http://tfl.nu/daid
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (518): View more from New York

  I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands

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  (518): I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands http://tfl.nu/jxb1
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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  (720): Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids http://tfl.nu/b5v5
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.

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  (336): i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later. http://tfl.nu/c2qt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

  (478): View more from Georgia

  Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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  (843): I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues. (478): Moment of silence for the loss of that option. http://tfl.nu/jcvy
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.

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  (910): NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state. http://tfl.nu/dlad
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

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  (708): I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex. http://tfl.nu/cwao
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!

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  (907): HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?! http://tfl.nu/krsv
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.

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  (954): I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother. http://tfl.nu/rbuh
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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  (806): You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. http://tfl.nu/i4sd
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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  (416): you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall. http://tfl.nu/i92r
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine

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  (412): a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine http://tfl.nu/k37h
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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  (918): I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out. http://tfl.nu/s7ox
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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  (719): Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence. http://tfl.nu/tuvm
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The Swedes wanted a tensome.

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  (832): The Swedes wanted a tensome. http://tfl.nu/8c8i
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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  (859): Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby http://tfl.nu/0zlt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.

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  (253): The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore. http://tfl.nu/j34l
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.

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  (816): At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug. http://tfl.nu/yhlg
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks

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  (603): I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks http://tfl.nu/p1yw
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.

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  (218): I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot. http://tfl.nu/z5np
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  (210): View more from Texas

  eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?

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  (210): eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life? http://tfl.nu/6stl
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  (206): View more from Washington

  sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before

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  (206): sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before http://tfl.nu/9maa
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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  (309): My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass http://tfl.nu/e85a
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.

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  (206): I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese. http://tfl.nu/0pie
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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  (401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now. http://tfl.nu/y18v
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  (954): View more from Florida

  it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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  (954): it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/y5mn
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.

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  (201): she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork. http://tfl.nu/ogci
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.

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  (303): She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it. http://tfl.nu/nwdc
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick

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  (807): I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick http://tfl.nu/2mmx
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.

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  (610): Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever. http://tfl.nu/x9w2
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?

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  (570): Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow? http://tfl.nu/hfr5
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  (516): View more from New York

  i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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  (516): i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks. http://tfl.nu/yuy7
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters

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  (765): just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters http://tfl.nu/51nh
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.

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  (210): I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad. http://tfl.nu/3nvp
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  (210): View more from Texas

  After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.

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  (210): After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/pl4c
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood

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  (440): Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood http://tfl.nu/t6a5
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?

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  (419): How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test? http://tfl.nu/9rcf
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

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  (724): An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god. http://tfl.nu/gzqy
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  (954): View more from Florida

  My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him

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  (954): My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him http://tfl.nu/f43y
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

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  (989): is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off? http://tfl.nu/j7cy
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.

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  (612): Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls. http://tfl.nu/jpdx
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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  (810): GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK. http://tfl.nu/7sxv
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw

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  (630): Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw http://tfl.nu/yy7h
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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  (425): Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend? http://tfl.nu/fd94
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.

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  (704): This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'. http://tfl.nu/12fd
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  and then ....

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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  (215): he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas. (1-215): and then .... (215): he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut. http://tfl.nu/qu6h
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.

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  (812): You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down. http://tfl.nu/c4iu
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.

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  (954): I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay. http://tfl.nu/trm1
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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  (708): Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door. http://tfl.nu/qh5i
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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  (908): Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral. http://tfl.nu/35ny
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

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  (520): She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist. http://tfl.nu/mma2
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.

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  (414): I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome. http://tfl.nu/m7qx
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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  (856): there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread. http://tfl.nu/6f5w
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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  (904): Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone. http://tfl.nu/zr80
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...

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  (561): Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend... http://tfl.nu/snfb
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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  (609): I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila." http://tfl.nu/how1
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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  (203): I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it. http://tfl.nu/2i57
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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  (503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc
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