wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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