Texts From Last Night · not

not_alice's Favorites Texts:

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week

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(714): View more from California

I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(562): View more from California

It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(303): View more from Colorado

The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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(703): View more from Virginia

then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives

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(707): View more from California

I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(214): View more from Texas

I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(510): View more from California

I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college

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(618): View more from Illinois

When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

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(954): View more from Florida

Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(317): View more from Indiana

I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(253): View more from Washington

waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(407): View more from Florida

i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(954): View more from Florida

I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(703): View more from Virginia

protesters in toronto definately have the best pot

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(518): View more from New York

Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(785): View more from Kansas

So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(925): View more from California

Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

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(303): View more from Colorado

I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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(+32): View more from Belgium

We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(630): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(907): View more from Alaska

the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas

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(301): View more from Maryland

Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(407): View more from Florida

So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(650): View more from California

we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

(505): View more from New Mexico

god you guys know how to party

(650): View more from California

worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(845): View more from New York

He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(205): View more from Alabama

i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(785): View more from Kansas

Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(618): View more from Illinois

Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

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(586): View more from Michigan

Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

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(765): View more from Indiana

i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

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(518): View more from New York

I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(203): View more from Connecticut

that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(503): View more from Oregon

my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.

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(315): View more from New York

Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

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(205): View more from Alabama

When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(301): View more from Maryland

I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.

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(409): View more from Texas

We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.

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(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he breathalyzed me before we had sex.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(845): View more from New York

The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(516): View more from New York

She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(703): View more from Virginia

I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(941): View more from Florida

I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.

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(619): View more from California

after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(+49): View more from Germany

This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(434): View more from Virginia

The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(512): View more from Texas

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.

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(407): View more from Florida

the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(706): View more from Georgia

That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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(313): View more from Michigan

so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number

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(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."

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(561): View more from Florida

Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars

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(815): View more from Illinois

should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk

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(714): View more from California

I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(517): View more from Michigan

the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(516): View more from New York

so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs

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(205): View more from Alabama

I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.

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(905): View more from Toronto

She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.

(416): View more from Ontario

Got yourself a keeper right there.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(416): View more from Ontario

today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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(647): View more from Ontario

ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring

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(410): View more from Maryland

We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I hope you meant gum...

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(734): View more from Michigan

wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Eco-friendly.

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(757): View more from Virginia

we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(

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(208): View more from Idaho

you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

did we at least go back and get it?

(208): View more from Idaho

how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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