Texts From Last Night · marieee90's Favorites

marieee90's Favorites Texts:

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Questions like that are why I love you.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic

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(802): View more from Vermont

You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on

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(763): View more from Minnesota

He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...

(847): View more from Illinois

Marry him.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.

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(248): View more from Michigan

my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits

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(207): View more from Maine

I still have a little drunk in my system

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(317): View more from Indiana

I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.

(1-267): View more from Pennsylvania

While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(904): View more from Florida

Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP

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(928): View more from Arizona

Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!

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(478): View more from Georgia

Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...

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(281): View more from Texas

Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.

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(818): View more from California

ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?

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(419): View more from Ohio

do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha

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(517): View more from Michigan

Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.

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(253): View more from Washington

You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?

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(772): View more from Florida

If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.

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(703): View more from Virginia

sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out

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(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

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(559): View more from California

Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"

(707): View more from California

Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.

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(360): View more from Washington

Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.

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(315): View more from New York

Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"

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(330): View more from Ohio

you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall

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(317): View more from Indiana

it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.

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(727): View more from Florida

they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."

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(440): View more from Ohio

all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.

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(713): View more from Texas

Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron

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(630): View more from Illinois

Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...

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(678): View more from Georgia

when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets

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(719): View more from Colorado

I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.

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(209): View more from California

Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."

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(541): View more from Oregon

Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I was just power-washing my vagina.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.

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(703): View more from Virginia

That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated

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(805): View more from California

We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...

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(206): View more from Washington

Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.

(425): View more from Washington

I'll pay?

(206): View more from Washington

Pick me up at 9.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship

(1-503): View more from Oregon

A tequila worm?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage

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(734): View more from Michigan

my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day

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(913): View more from Kansas

The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"

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(618): View more from Illinois

It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night

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(847): View more from Illinois

I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?

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(206): View more from Washington

There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.

(1-206): View more from Washington

First world problems.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Why do you hate her?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....

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(650): View more from California

Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S

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(858): View more from California

Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like really drunk?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?

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(254): View more from Texas

I have the starring role in a literal shit show.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?

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(256): View more from Alabama

My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.

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(818): View more from California

You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.

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(904): View more from Florida

Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.

(631): View more from New York

You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.

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(914): View more from New York

She's been drunk for three days now

(914): View more from New York

Like three straight days. 72 hours

(914): View more from New York

She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.

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(480): View more from Arizona

It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?

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(406): View more from Montana

Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation

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(347): View more from New York

Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..

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(903): View more from Texas

Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.

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(623): View more from Arizona

It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.

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(925): View more from California

Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early

(401): View more from Rhode Island

You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(561): View more from Florida

Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit

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(713): View more from Texas

So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.

(936): View more from Texas

I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.

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(408): View more from California

My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.

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(587): View more from Alberta

You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later

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(601): View more from Mississippi

So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Oh my god.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

The ballsiest level.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.

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(518): View more from New York

I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual

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(407): View more from Florida

I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.

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(254): View more from Texas

It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.

(214): View more from Texas

You need to calm down.

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(740): View more from Ohio

New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Priorities

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE

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(713): View more from Texas

I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."

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(719): View more from Colorado

I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra

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(561): View more from Florida

But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain

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(214): View more from Texas

WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(408): View more from California

But college guys get to crossfade so there's that

(305): View more from Florida

No idea what that is

(408): View more from California

Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...

(305): View more from Florida

I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Helmets.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.

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(707): View more from California

Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.

(707): View more from California

And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.

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(205): View more from Alabama

This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods

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(330): View more from Ohio

do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr

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(812): View more from Indiana

I fill condoms, not promises.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I wearing a dog collar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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(408): View more from California

MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE

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(949): View more from California

Amanda bynes is my spirit animal

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."

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(850): View more from Florida

These people don't understand my stages of drunk

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(678): View more from Georgia

I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...

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(517): View more from Michigan

There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE

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(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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(360): View more from Washington

I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

(1-360): View more from Washington

It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella

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(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

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(226): View more from Ontario

We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.

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(830): View more from Texas

Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?

(210): View more from Texas

Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine

(830): View more from Texas

drunken problem solving at its finest

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(586): View more from Michigan

Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?

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(205): View more from Alabama

You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?

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(208): View more from Idaho

That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

(208): View more from Idaho

Especially drunk mermaids.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb

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(760): View more from California

He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....

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(207): View more from Maine

C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!

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(229): View more from Georgia

He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He's the conductor of the struggle bus

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS

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(516): View more from New York

Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.

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(516): View more from New York

Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?

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(613): View more from Ontario

All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now

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(775): View more from Nevada

Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost

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(630): View more from Illinois

This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?

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(647): View more from Ontario

How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?

(416): View more from Toronto

Formal letter or email.

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(530): View more from California

I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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(912): View more from Georgia

We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

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(618): View more from Illinois

You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(334): View more from Alabama

FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.

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(914): View more from New York

So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.

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(720): View more from Colorado

His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(404): View more from Georgia

Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.

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(607): View more from New York

The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.

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(916): View more from California

you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me

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(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need Jameson.

(240): View more from Maryland

Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..

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(970): View more from Colorado

Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(805): View more from California

I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka

(714): View more from California

I could

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(541): View more from Oregon

But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"

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(912): View more from Georgia

I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets

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(970): View more from Colorado

You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later

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(226): View more from Ontario

While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."

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(260): View more from Indiana

Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.

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(408): View more from California

Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

(408): View more from California

Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

(1-408): View more from California

I approve this so hard.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?

(219): View more from Indiana

Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?

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(850): View more from Florida

You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

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(417): View more from Missouri

THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW

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(516): View more from New York

We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.

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(360): View more from Washington

ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.

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(518): View more from New York

The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.

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(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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(716): View more from New York

Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

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(302): View more from Delaware

Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy

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(312): View more from Illinois

We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(310): View more from California

Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?

(416): View more from Toronto

I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way

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(835): View more from Pennsylvania

You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"

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(954): View more from Florida

i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine

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(319): View more from Iowa

That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

that's how you measure success

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?

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(817): View more from Texas

I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

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(775): View more from Nevada

Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

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(905): View more from Ontario

Drinking loves me for WHO I am

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.

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(+79): View more from

Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy

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(917): View more from New York City

Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.

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(+63): View more from

there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi

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(740): View more from Ohio

Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

do u know what happened to the bottles last night?

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im coming down to miami this weekend

(1-330): View more from Ohio

We shall drink from the everclear river

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(817): View more from Texas

She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

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(516): View more from New York

She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

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(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

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(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm romantic.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week

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(830): View more from Texas

I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?

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(314): View more from Missouri

And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

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(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

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(772): View more from Florida

She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.

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(315): View more from New York

i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy

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(602): View more from Arizona

They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(907): View more from Alaska

This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.

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(325): View more from Texas

We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.

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(719): View more from Colorado

No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories

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(423): View more from Tennessee

The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.

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(510): View more from California

Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(416): View more from Toronto

It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

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(301): View more from Maryland

Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?

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(424): View more from California

This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs

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(850): View more from Florida

It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(530): View more from California

red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.

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(478): View more from Georgia

IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV

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(765): View more from Indiana

Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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(248): View more from Michigan

No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.

(1248): View more from

That'll put some boobs in that bra.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(516): View more from New York

We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(909): View more from California

I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

(1-909): View more from California

Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I told you those kegels would come in handy one day

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours

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(585): View more from New York

Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude our life is a booze cruise

(585): View more from New York

But without boats...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

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(562): View more from California

Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night

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(480): View more from Arizona

It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness

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(765): View more from Indiana

Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99

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(520): View more from Arizona

U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru

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(970): View more from Colorado

I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me

(970): View more from Colorado

Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Life is too short to have fake orgasms.

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(914): View more from New York

We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.

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(916): View more from California

That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.

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(858): View more from California

This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(917): View more from New York City

Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.

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(925): View more from California

Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka

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(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(650): View more from California

At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap

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(847): View more from Illinois

As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.

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(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

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(209): View more from California

Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.

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(565): View more from

He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(541): View more from Oregon

You would be my first round pick for a drinking team

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(206): View more from Washington

be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.

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(415): View more from California

So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...

(1-415): View more from California

So no fakes?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.

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(512): View more from Texas

Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.

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(503): View more from Oregon

ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

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(626): View more from California

obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

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(727): View more from Florida

Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with

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(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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(216): View more from Ohio

every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(280): View more from

So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.

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(801): View more from Utah

Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air

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(714): View more from California

he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.

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(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I thought you were single?

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.

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(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover

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(585): View more from New York

Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together

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(323): View more from California

well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(516): View more from New York

I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(714): View more from California

So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.

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(707): View more from California

You rang?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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(760): View more from California

Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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(770): View more from Georgia

We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.

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(714): View more from California

It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.

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(281): View more from Texas

Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(561): View more from Florida

We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina

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(530): View more from California

Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(562): View more from California

WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?

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(661): View more from California

Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw

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(443): View more from Maryland

My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

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(772): View more from Florida

Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Dick in a box?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.

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(316): View more from Kansas

There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

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(219): View more from Indiana

my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?

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(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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(310): View more from California

Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.

(1-310): View more from California

Shall we take a trip back?

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(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.

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(518): View more from New York

Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can't be the first without the last

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(310): View more from California

Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

(818): View more from California

No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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(585): View more from New York

we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night

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(386): View more from Florida

Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(714): View more from California

You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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(313): View more from Michigan

its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore

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(760): View more from California

I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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(623): View more from Arizona

He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.

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(407): View more from Florida

Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon

(407): View more from Florida

Covered in confetti and bad decisions

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(519): View more from Ontario

isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

(416): View more from Toronto

yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

(519): View more from Ontario

next time on intervention

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(916): View more from California

You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

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(309): View more from Illinois

You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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(510): View more from California

I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

(1-510): View more from California

Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

That's practically a relationship for you

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(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(858): View more from California

currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them

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(630): View more from Illinois

Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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(616): View more from Michigan

All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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(503): View more from Oregon

College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(217): View more from Illinois

3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(251): View more from Alabama

I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(925): View more from California

He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.

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(206): View more from Washington

Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.

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(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.

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(407): View more from Florida

Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it

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(727): View more from Florida

I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads

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(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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(281): View more from Texas

seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout

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(805): View more from California

Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(408): View more from California

i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.

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(407): View more from Florida

i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

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(801): View more from Utah

The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts

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(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.

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(812): View more from Indiana

obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(817): View more from Texas

he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.

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(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(602): View more from Arizona

The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(940): View more from Texas

we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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