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They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just found a bag of teeth...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
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