Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Favorite