I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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