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I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
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