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Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think I sprained my soul last night
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
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