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We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How's work?
Spinning.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sorry my hands just texted you
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I didn't notice because vodka
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
did i walk over a car last night?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
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