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She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
sarcasm needs its own font
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
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