Zowada's Favorites Texts:

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  (586): View more from Michigan

  We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.

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  (586): We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate. http://tfl.nu/plc2
  Replies (2) Good night (1699) Bad night (572) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

  (1-714): View more from California

  This is why we're friends.

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  (714): Mandatory 420 Adventure Time. (1-714): This is why we're friends. http://tfl.nu/cnbi
  Replies (5) Good night (1731) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Nobody in the ambulance liked me...

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  (775): Nobody in the ambulance liked me... http://tfl.nu/5rji
  Replies (11) Good night (681) Bad night (1537) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I love you more with every blowjob.

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  You should write for Hallmark.

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  (202): I love you more with every blowjob. (1-202): You should write for Hallmark. http://tfl.nu/2s1x
  Replies (8) Good night (2986) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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  (908): You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over http://tfl.nu/or3u
  Replies (2) Good night (2203) Bad night (461)
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  (432): View more from Texas

  she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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  (432): she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback. http://tfl.nu/m8zb
  Replies (18) Good night (3606) Bad night (546)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

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  (248): Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students. http://tfl.nu/08kn
  Replies (50) Good night (807) Bad night (4486)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

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  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
  Replies (14) Good night (5891) Bad night (644)
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  (979): View more from Texas

  I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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  (979): I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after http://tfl.nu/y0mb
  Replies (8) Good night (4557) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?

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  (828): Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight? http://tfl.nu/35kg
  Replies (10) Good night (673) Bad night (2528) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.

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  (954): I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people. http://tfl.nu/j7bv
  Replies (10) Good night (1701) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc

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  (415): I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc http://tfl.nu/b6p3
  Replies (12) Good night (527) Bad night (2587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

  (1-618): View more from Illinois

  We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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  (618): I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it? (1-618): We wouldn't be friends if you didn't. http://tfl.nu/4027
  Replies (6) Good night (2744) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I can't see you

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche

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  (847): I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers (847): I can't see you (847): I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche http://tfl.nu/kp05
  Replies (4) Good night (2475) Bad night (519)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  People are yelling about how much they want you here.

  (563): View more from Iowa

  I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.

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  (651): People are yelling about how much they want you here. (563): I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled. http://tfl.nu/lpre
  Replies (4) Good night (2348) Bad night (579)
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors

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  (928): proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors http://tfl.nu/6slk
  Replies (2) Good night (1550) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

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  (619): Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word. http://tfl.nu/n6a7
  Replies (11) Good night (3117) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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  (706): I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant. http://tfl.nu/0cvw
  Replies (50) Good night (5480) Bad night (1401) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"

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  (303): Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional. (970): Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?" http://tfl.nu/doci
  Replies (8) Good night (3329) Bad night (696)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  It's never too late to be topless.

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  (614): It's never too late to be topless. http://tfl.nu/ybgn
  Replies (11) Good night (2852) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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  (406): you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College" http://tfl.nu/x9bo
  Replies (13) Good night (3794) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

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  (509): I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier. http://tfl.nu/0psb
  Replies (5) Good night (2074) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX

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  (714): IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX http://tfl.nu/wmyf
  Replies (12) Good night (2213) Bad night (1116) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.

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  (703): I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia. http://tfl.nu/9rne
  Replies (8) Good night (1758) Bad night (1013) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  ttyl tear gas

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  (604): ttyl tear gas http://tfl.nu/bmdg
  Replies (13) Good night (997) Bad night (2364) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

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  (614): I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person. http://tfl.nu/hjb8
  Replies (6) Good night (2477) Bad night (998) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.

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  (210): I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer. http://tfl.nu/a3pu
  Replies (8) Good night (3097) Bad night (555) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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  (618): This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money. http://tfl.nu/bov0
  Replies (3) Good night (2045) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.

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  (708): You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx. http://tfl.nu/t703
  Replies (21) Good night (3347) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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  (512): Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here. http://tfl.nu/r3kt
  Replies (14) Good night (3485) Bad night (745) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.

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  (303): Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it. http://tfl.nu/2ryl
  Replies (27) Good night (3046) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.

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  (647): Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday. http://tfl.nu/6zuu
  Replies (3) Good night (1946) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.

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  (414): I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions. http://tfl.nu/so75
  Replies (3) Good night (1735) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

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  (708): My lips are sealed. Both pairs. http://tfl.nu/26rg
  Replies (11) Good night (3084) Bad night (856) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested

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  (305): Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested http://tfl.nu/egzq
  Replies (14) Good night (1930) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

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  (210): Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe. http://tfl.nu/6jsr
  Replies (14) Good night (2682) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

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  (970): You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done. http://tfl.nu/za6g
  Replies (17) Good night (3418) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?

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  (352): Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours? http://tfl.nu/ajza
  Replies (12) Good night (2328) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.

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  (605): We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone. http://tfl.nu/46r1
  Replies (5) Good night (2582) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her

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  (707): My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her http://tfl.nu/qrm1
  Replies (10) Good night (2077) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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  (315): See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday http://tfl.nu/kg71
  Replies (8) Good night (2534) Bad night (1454) Order T-Shirt
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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  (434): i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister. http://tfl.nu/d8xo
  Replies (34) Good night (3448) Bad night (2965) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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  (785): Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur". http://tfl.nu/3gb4
  Replies (8) Good night (2354) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

  (1-707): View more from California

  is that even a sentence?

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  (707): I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina. (1-707): is that even a sentence? http://tfl.nu/j6fd
  Replies (13) Good night (3093) Bad night (899) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

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  (732): He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year. http://tfl.nu/lez5
  Replies (27) Good night (2988) Bad night (1092) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.

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  (309): It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise. http://tfl.nu/xykk
  Replies (5) Good night (1937) Bad night (1035) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?

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  (303): Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week? http://tfl.nu/361o
  Replies (12) Good night (3900) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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  (612): You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship. http://tfl.nu/eji2
  Replies (10) Good night (4067) Bad night (827) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I think there was chlamydia in those woods.

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  (920): I think there was chlamydia in those woods. http://tfl.nu/fxcg
  Replies (5) Good night (566) Bad night (2187) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.

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  (813): I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked. http://tfl.nu/aika
  Replies (14) Good night (740) Bad night (3744) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

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  (908): Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good? http://tfl.nu/2d9n
  Replies (6) Good night (2130) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

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  (620): He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening. http://tfl.nu/b9i7
  Replies (16) Good night (3924) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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  (630): It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales. http://tfl.nu/sbow
  Replies (4) Good night (3551) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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  (203): I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth http://tfl.nu/68yw
  Replies (38) Good night (5259) Bad night (1430) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.

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  (972): I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night. http://tfl.nu/hauh
  Replies (8) Good night (2128) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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  (740): Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed? http://tfl.nu/4keg
  Replies (12) Good night (2729) Bad night (912) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

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  (515): I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME! http://tfl.nu/9v3y
  Replies (16) Good night (2992) Bad night (1029) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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  (703): that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good (1-703): that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna http://tfl.nu/tr0q
  Replies (7) Good night (4057) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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  (702): Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride http://tfl.nu/xs6r
  Replies (9) Good night (3456) Bad night (1005) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  We welcome drunken adversity.

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  With open legs.

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  (724): We welcome drunken adversity. (1-724): With open legs. http://tfl.nu/iqs6
  Replies (12) Good night (3282) Bad night (932) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..

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  (306): the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day.. http://tfl.nu/nazl
  Replies (3) Good night (2264) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.

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  (603): I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife. http://tfl.nu/98pl
  Replies (11) Good night (1074) Bad night (2411) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday

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  (281): Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday http://tfl.nu/9ias
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

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  (303): It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking http://tfl.nu/y5lt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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  (361): After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge. http://tfl.nu/26oy
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?

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  (304): 1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex? http://tfl.nu/mw5g
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably

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  (414): Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably http://tfl.nu/eax2
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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  (807): If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right http://tfl.nu/lb7z
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

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  (215): Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places. http://tfl.nu/tyy2
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.

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  (817): Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent. http://tfl.nu/lzjs
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  (281): View more from Texas

  WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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  (281): WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?! http://tfl.nu/4ghk
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here

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  (217): i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here http://tfl.nu/dmaq
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits

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  (678): I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits http://tfl.nu/9nme
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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  (203): She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places http://tfl.nu/q4g8
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  (863): View more from Florida

  There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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  (863): There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent. http://tfl.nu/g0ez
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  (818): View more from California

  Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.

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  (818): Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse. http://tfl.nu/0n19
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.

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  (859): It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face. http://tfl.nu/gh9q
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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  (973): He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird. http://tfl.nu/n9dq
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  (530): View more from California

  My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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  (530): My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/pzgc
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?

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  (850): We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out? http://tfl.nu/dwkr
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand

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  (404): This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand http://tfl.nu/fsqo
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.

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  (815): There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms. http://tfl.nu/aown
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  (281): View more from Texas

  okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.

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  (281): okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry. http://tfl.nu/ycuw
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.

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  (928): Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/yr6e
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  (585): View more from New York

  Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.

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  (585): Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you. http://tfl.nu/iycg
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation

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  (505): I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation http://tfl.nu/u5tc
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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  (901): Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable http://tfl.nu/jd9a
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.

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  (780): Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT. http://tfl.nu/4w87
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.

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  (832): My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over. http://tfl.nu/z5ao
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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  (954): I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets http://tfl.nu/eeot
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.

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  (813): Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point. http://tfl.nu/ezlw
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?

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  (617): did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant? http://tfl.nu/svwz
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.

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  (250): I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk. http://tfl.nu/fti6
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

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  (305): I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy http://tfl.nu/yxp4
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  (661): View more from California

  1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

  (1-661): View more from California

  1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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  (661): 1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place. (1-661): 1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up http://tfl.nu/wu9m
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  (213): View more from California

  there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.

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  (213): there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina. http://tfl.nu/2p84
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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  (904): Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke? http://tfl.nu/8orw
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.

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  (973): Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not. http://tfl.nu/kqhm
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

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  (307): Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt. http://tfl.nu/gd2e
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  Is it working?

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  (205): I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless. (1-205): Is it working? http://tfl.nu/ozk1
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.

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  (801): I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her. http://tfl.nu/f7hh
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate

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  (908): Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate http://tfl.nu/t9ao
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?

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  (812): Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave? http://tfl.nu/yd5g
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  (607): View more from New York

  im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

  (607): View more from New York

  way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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  (607): im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour. (607): way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses http://tfl.nu/5by3
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  (213): View more from California

  "thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.

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  (213): "thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups. http://tfl.nu/qpz7
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  (562): View more from California

  I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.

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  (562): I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up. http://tfl.nu/b3gr
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

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  (314): I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger. http://tfl.nu/9k0s
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.

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  (506): yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her. http://tfl.nu/588d
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.

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  (314): She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now. http://tfl.nu/r0t6
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

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  (970): There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you? http://tfl.nu/w1xa
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

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  (610): Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card. http://tfl.nu/uepf
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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  (973): composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals. http://tfl.nu/kw2o
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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  (508): Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying. http://tfl.nu/h4eg
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

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  (425): Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl. http://tfl.nu/yy2b
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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  (281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.

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  (321): Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college. http://tfl.nu/3u34
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

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  (613): who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked http://tfl.nu/fbnh
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.

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  (920): well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care. http://tfl.nu/ywjo
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  (626): View more from California

  you didnt know i had herpes?

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  (626): you didnt know i had herpes? http://tfl.nu/e6ph
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (607): View more from New York

  The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?

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  (607): The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her? http://tfl.nu/qpjw
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.

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  (403): Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season. http://tfl.nu/yv9x
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final

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  (724): Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final http://tfl.nu/g3gv
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.

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  (570): Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore. http://tfl.nu/xw8g
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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  (989): Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am. http://tfl.nu/mfa3
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.

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  (321): We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you. http://tfl.nu/1l5x
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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  (304): as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now. http://tfl.nu/olha
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  (352): View more from Florida

  This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode

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  (352): This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode http://tfl.nu/n1t3
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.

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  (406): You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it. http://tfl.nu/4hyg
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

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  (520): hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint. http://tfl.nu/kgm7
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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  (931): Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me.... http://tfl.nu/xfhz
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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  (713): Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me? http://tfl.nu/cdq0
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  oh. my. god. yes.

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  (360): i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life. (1-360): oh. my. god. yes. http://tfl.nu/jrnd
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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  (719): She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time http://tfl.nu/gadq
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud

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  (719): passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud http://tfl.nu/qo9v
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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  (815): my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves http://tfl.nu/kwdc
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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  (303): We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is. http://tfl.nu/mbfy
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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  (240): Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic. http://tfl.nu/gchg
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Just invented taco cereal.

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  (503): Just invented taco cereal. http://tfl.nu/md8j
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  (207): View more from Maine

  how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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  (207): how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me. http://tfl.nu/s06p
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.

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  (412): I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate. http://tfl.nu/bucy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.

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  (303): She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga. http://tfl.nu/aid2
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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  (832): I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW. http://tfl.nu/ohwe
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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  (850): Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am. http://tfl.nu/2bm2
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...

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  (330): Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late... http://tfl.nu/fji7
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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  (920): So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome http://tfl.nu/oppr
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

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  (843): I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship. http://tfl.nu/ax7l
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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  (402): if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you. http://tfl.nu/a1uo
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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  (708): So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS? http://tfl.nu/0qn8
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.

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  (720): and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook. http://tfl.nu/6m40
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.

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  (575): Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship. http://tfl.nu/tvch
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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  (604): she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double http://tfl.nu/55xg
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads

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  (513): This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads http://tfl.nu/11ei
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  "lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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  (303): "lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning" http://tfl.nu/szov
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  (239): View more from Florida

  No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him

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  (239): No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him http://tfl.nu/yi67
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  (210): View more from Texas

  no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked

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  (210): no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked http://tfl.nu/pl9e
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex

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  (517): I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex http://tfl.nu/ieaq
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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  (860): I smell like Captain Morgan and tears http://tfl.nu/pqes
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.

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  (734): I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel. http://tfl.nu/6ex0
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

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  (908): You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams. http://tfl.nu/yznu
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me

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  (503): If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me http://tfl.nu/4si1
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.

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  (423): There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself. http://tfl.nu/9xij
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  (949): View more from California

  It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.

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  (949): It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his. http://tfl.nu/sru1
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.

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  (757): I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon. http://tfl.nu/7g7n
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we didnt even have break up sex...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  you had it for us with someone else...

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  (816): we didnt even have break up sex... (1-816): you had it for us with someone else... http://tfl.nu/e06z
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!

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  (231): Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well! http://tfl.nu/1chx
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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  (504): Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me. http://tfl.nu/tasz
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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  (636): she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina http://tfl.nu/0ynp
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  (925): View more from California

  She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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  (925): She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard. http://tfl.nu/tszy
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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  (603): No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative http://tfl.nu/aljj
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  (805): View more from California

  there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you

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  (805): there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you http://tfl.nu/cq33
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

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  (479): You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money. http://tfl.nu/ged1
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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  (870): Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask? http://tfl.nu/y41y
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?

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  (971): I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo? http://tfl.nu/aefb
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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  (214): My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you http://tfl.nu/i385
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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  (425): i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house http://tfl.nu/3ff4
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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  (443): Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had. http://tfl.nu/2xlf
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  (954): View more from Florida

  STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

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  (954): STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA http://tfl.nu/oiv6
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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  (613): Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big. http://tfl.nu/u6h6
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  (949): View more from California

  We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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  (949): We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom. http://tfl.nu/b4pt
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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  (229): I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight. http://tfl.nu/g7ms
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.

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  (512): You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually. http://tfl.nu/mnpg
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  (914): View more from New York

  I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later

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  (914): I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later http://tfl.nu/hx0e
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?

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  (770): Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning? http://tfl.nu/sjpg
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.

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  (443): we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it. http://tfl.nu/i4yi
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  (415): View more from California

  She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

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  (415): She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer. http://tfl.nu/gibc
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  (+65): View more from

  No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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  (+65): No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car. http://tfl.nu/46mc
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.

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  (978): I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far. http://tfl.nu/izah
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we need ur ladder

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  (612): He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume (612): we need ur ladder http://tfl.nu/n9qh
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time

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  (785): sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time http://tfl.nu/vv7s
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  (858): View more from California

  Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

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  (858): Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in. http://tfl.nu/efr3
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  (850): View more from Florida

  And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.

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  (850): And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will. http://tfl.nu/iz1b
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.

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  (248): Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated. http://tfl.nu/1crf
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  Actually, she's fat now, so...

  (817): View more from Texas

  Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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  (817): He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but... (1-817): Actually, she's fat now, so... (817): Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson. http://tfl.nu/7993
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion

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  (406): I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion http://tfl.nu/tw2a
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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  (985): My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day. http://tfl.nu/xzll
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  (916): View more from California

  craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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  (916): craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in? http://tfl.nu/76bu
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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  (801): I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine. http://tfl.nu/flen
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party

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  (248): yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party http://tfl.nu/f5te
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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  (204): Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard? http://tfl.nu/3z7i
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

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  (770): How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden http://tfl.nu/1f55
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

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  (401): i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems http://tfl.nu/61dr
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

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  (860): in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore http://tfl.nu/eivb
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  (+45): View more from Denmark

  Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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  (+45): Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired. http://tfl.nu/rbaa
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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  (330): Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her? http://tfl.nu/1j07
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

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  (712): He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded. http://tfl.nu/0j6f
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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  (240): Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders? http://tfl.nu/9s8f
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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  (519): It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band. http://tfl.nu/y1g3
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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  (314): It'll be just me and my penis against the world. http://tfl.nu/ph7y
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(

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  (732): Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :( http://tfl.nu/fasb
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.

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  (519): Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club. http://tfl.nu/af62
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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  (303): she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone http://tfl.nu/1ml1
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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  (616): No flamethrowers. That is a direct order. http://tfl.nu/o0tj
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.

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  (336): Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other. http://tfl.nu/ei4k
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.

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  (402): Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions. http://tfl.nu/bksd
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  (305): View more from Florida

  she said she was living bicuriously through me.

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  (305): she said she was living bicuriously through me. http://tfl.nu/luix
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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  (816): and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore. http://tfl.nu/dnny
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

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  (574): 2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home http://tfl.nu/gyyq
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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  (828): Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis http://tfl.nu/fz5v
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

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  (717): do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important. http://tfl.nu/a970
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  .....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you

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  (804): .....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you http://tfl.nu/s188
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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  (651): okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are. http://tfl.nu/937u
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

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  (605): it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead. http://tfl.nu/wbpi
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?

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  (641): Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug? http://tfl.nu/o9ys
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  (214): View more from Texas

  No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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  (214): No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds. http://tfl.nu/2lul
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

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  (785): She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before... http://tfl.nu/n0in
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor

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  (906): he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor http://tfl.nu/agbs
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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  (321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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  (937): Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate http://tfl.nu/e0yr
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  (619): View more from California

  So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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  (619): So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side. http://tfl.nu/rosc
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  (562): View more from California

  It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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  (562): It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice. http://tfl.nu/vbsf
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.

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  (620): I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process. http://tfl.nu/qg86
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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  (724): Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers http://tfl.nu/1uct
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.

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  (810): I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours. http://tfl.nu/82rg
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"

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  (734): we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas (810): I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick" http://tfl.nu/jn94
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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  (406): i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes. http://tfl.nu/lrt6
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad

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  (+64): i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad http://tfl.nu/7gyh
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.

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  (317): Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will. http://tfl.nu/znpi
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.

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  (978): apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material. http://tfl.nu/gr1e
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  (707): View more from California

  someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.

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  (707): someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine. http://tfl.nu/envi
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  (650): View more from California

  You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

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  (650): You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom... http://tfl.nu/m3m8
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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  (505): Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message http://tfl.nu/azaf
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.

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  (902): This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being. http://tfl.nu/gtcm
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Well now I have my semen on her headphones

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  (203): Well now I have my semen on her headphones http://tfl.nu/hho2
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  (315): View more from New York

  I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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  (315): I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night. http://tfl.nu/7th0
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  What's a "vodkaffle"?

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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  (208): What's a "vodkaffle"? (608): It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix. http://tfl.nu/84eu
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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  (301): i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk. http://tfl.nu/vlxs
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  (406): View more from Montana

  One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?

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  (406): One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts? http://tfl.nu/1591
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  (315): View more from New York

  I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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  (315): I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in http://tfl.nu/b3qn
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  (949): View more from California

  shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...

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  (949): shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do... http://tfl.nu/qae9
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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  (859): I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you. http://tfl.nu/a48g
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

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  (214): Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree. http://tfl.nu/bwsc
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.

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  (303): I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever. http://tfl.nu/ptta
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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  (661): I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me http://tfl.nu/2y9m
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  (425): View more from Washington

  After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.

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  (425): After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake. http://tfl.nu/nvef
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

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  (317): You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice http://tfl.nu/bo72
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?

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  (218): Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'? http://tfl.nu/wgpy
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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  (301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. http://tfl.nu/pc4d
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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  (210): Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material. http://tfl.nu/16u9
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk

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  (508): Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk http://tfl.nu/i7vt
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Am i fat?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Well i wouldnt let you on top

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  (248): Am i fat? (1-248): Well i wouldnt let you on top http://tfl.nu/1yk2
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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  (425): i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life. http://tfl.nu/aawj
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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  (919): We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash. http://tfl.nu/pn5n
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Well it worked

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Not the point

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  (330): The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind (1-330): Well it worked (330): Not the point http://tfl.nu/mxs7
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.

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  (513): My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked. http://tfl.nu/x6u7
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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  (504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

  (714): View more from California

  Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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  (712): Doctor said I have sports induced asthma. (714): Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape." http://tfl.nu/hfcj
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

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  (970): do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom? http://tfl.nu/19xa
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

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  (727): You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on. http://tfl.nu/u7oz
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn

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  (305): I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn http://tfl.nu/ufam
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  (315): View more from New York

  idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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  (315): idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever. http://tfl.nu/p80i
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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  (314): i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting. http://tfl.nu/k93x
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (805): View more from California

  the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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  (805): the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do. http://tfl.nu/fu0w
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  (940): View more from Texas

  She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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  (940): She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one. http://tfl.nu/4xsk
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Banned from zoo.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Again?

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  (240): Banned from zoo. (301): Again? http://tfl.nu/bv0w
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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  (917): Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him http://tfl.nu/5c6r
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.

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  (501): Turns out vomit takes off spray tan. http://tfl.nu/8hd7
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

  (801): View more from Utah

  alright see you in the morning.

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  (801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house. (1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen. (801): alright see you in the morning. http://tfl.nu/gnes
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?

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  (407): Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia? http://tfl.nu/5o5f
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  (831): View more from California

  just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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  (831): just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf http://tfl.nu/faeb
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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  (612): My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome! http://tfl.nu/2tqo
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Redeem this text for a blowjob

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  (507): Redeem this text for a blowjob http://tfl.nu/3lns
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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  (703): I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you? http://tfl.nu/lfio
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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  (+44): I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back http://tfl.nu/kyt1
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
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  (954): View more from Florida

  woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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  (954): woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student http://tfl.nu/4vc9
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  (917): View more from New York City

  half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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  (917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country. http://tfl.nu/tafy
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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  (410): I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever? http://tfl.nu/67g4
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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  (502): I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer http://tfl.nu/cllh
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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  (360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so horny!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so hungry

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  For your pussy...

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  (508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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  (931): a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra. http://tfl.nu/ga1u
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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  (330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome. http://tfl.nu/21pe
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (281): View more from Texas

  How do you jack off and text at the same time?

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  On my iPhone they have an app for that

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  (281): How do you jack off and text at the same time? (1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that http://tfl.nu/2tk7
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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  (412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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  (260): Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens. http://tfl.nu/pxin
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

  (420): View more from

  your the best winggirl ever

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  (610): Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie (420): your the best winggirl ever http://tfl.nu/bhih
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

  (719): View more from Colorado

  she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  are you serious?

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  (414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it. (719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her. (414): are you serious? http://tfl.nu/esul
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  it wasn't lemon gatorade

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  (703): it wasn't lemon gatorade http://tfl.nu/yeyb
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.

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  (919): Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick. http://tfl.nu/k5e1
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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  (971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word http://tfl.nu/bykc
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  (315): View more from New York

  We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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  (315): We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah." http://tfl.nu/z1lt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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  (514): just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed. http://tfl.nu/qdrd
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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  (603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her http://tfl.nu/t8zc
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  He told me they were just razor bumps!

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  (203): He told me they were just razor bumps! http://tfl.nu/2b3s
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  His pubic hair was longer than his dick

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  (636): His pubic hair was longer than his dick http://tfl.nu/f6nh
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  What?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I have a yeast infection.

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  (314): I'm bakin' bread in my pussy! (1-314): What? (314): I have a yeast infection. http://tfl.nu/o2ns
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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  (843): got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired http://tfl.nu/eibd
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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  (203): he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat? http://tfl.nu/b9c7
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

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  (612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/fztn
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

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  (413): then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man. http://tfl.nu/6mq0
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

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  (913): Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals. http://tfl.nu/wv0a
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?

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  (512): Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it? http://tfl.nu/y99r
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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  (808): white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month" http://tfl.nu/8vpl
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