Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
are you still at the devil's house?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
That's intense
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
no you cant smoke seaweed
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
its not stalking. its research.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
actually, I'm a sock model
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
ambylanc
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Favorite