Texts From Last Night · Neer's Favorites

Neer's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

Fav 32 6036 2147
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

Fav 39 10684 2001
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.

Fav 1 962 606
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.

Fav 2 1240 676
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(914): View more from New York

Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.

Fav 4 1650 717
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

Fav 11 2271 767
share tweet

(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

Fav 20 3126 1117
share tweet

(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

Fav 19 4267 1899
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

Fav 13 7198 1477
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(801): View more from Utah

Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas

Fav 6 3856 953
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick

Fav 3 1151 720
share tweet

(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

Fav 5 1963 780
share tweet

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3

(906): View more from Michigan

Omg sara

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty

Fav 8 1911 818
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

Fav 18 3982 1010
share tweet

(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

Fav 18 3930 1419
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club

Fav 9 1439 842
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Just drove past the dude that came in your sock

Fav 3 946 1773
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

Fav 15 3627 1032
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

Fav 14 1580 3300
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover

Fav 7 2903 1167
share tweet
(818): View more from California

My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club

Fav 13 1363 1412
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup

Fav 0 754 1136
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Oh god. Standing was a rash decision

(847): View more from Illinois

I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...

Fav 1 1677 762
share tweet
(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

Fav 6 4306 1038
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

Fav 14 4176 2202
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.

Fav 6 588 1277
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

Fav 25 4679 952
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.

Fav 6 949 2015
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge

Fav 5 1824 995
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball

Fav 7 918 943
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix

Fav 8 695 1390
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.

Fav 5 626 1256
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...

Fav 4 712 1804
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.

Fav 3 693 1325
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.

Fav 3 1325 703
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.

Fav 41 3975 1408
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.

Fav 4 1435 635
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.

Fav 2 846 561
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?

Fav 4 937 562
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

(415): View more from California

I still don't know how you've lived this long.

Fav 5 1380 730
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."

Fav 10 2305 808
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.

Fav 3 1323 731
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39277 2238
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.

Fav 6 1737 801
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore

Fav 9 1561 774
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him

Fav 1 1152 595
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES

Fav 6 1395 712
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.

Fav 4 1132 827
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...

Fav 2 1060 691
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?

Fav 5 1393 1055
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno

Fav 13 3362 926
share tweet
(415): View more from California

So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.

Fav 25 6187 1393
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?

Fav 67 8223 1329
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

Fav 86 41313 2574
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.

Fav 3 2016 808
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that

Fav 6 1001 692
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

Fav 9 1541 859
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?

Fav 3 1152 715
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy

Fav 13 2807 857
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

Fav 22 4817 1441
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

Fav 14 1988 4787
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

Fav 24 9637 2724
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

Fav 13 3759 1217
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.

Fav 18 3807 1325
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

Fav 4 2245 907
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.

Fav 6 2467 1006
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on

Fav 10 1259 744
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.

Fav 9 2199 1565
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

Fav 12 3008 926
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok

Fav 4 1052 2448
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.

Fav 6 1865 800
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.

Fav 27 7426 937
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

Fav 7 1507 5072
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

Fav 9 3489 1075
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

Fav 16 7075 1378
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

Fav 37 2539 8445
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

Fav 4 3557 936
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white

Fav 10 838 2290
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house

Fav 3 1894 822
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

Fav 42 8348 1681
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before

Fav 6 2930 1191
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

Fav 17 6900 1469
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table

Fav 3 1915 1635
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

Fav 7 2960 991
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

Fav 4 1610 1341
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered

Fav 13 1666 1312
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

Fav 9 2854 1225
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.

Fav 6 1280 892
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

Fav 5 2843 1495
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?

Fav 13 3578 1370
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

Fav 11 4195 2043
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

Fav 43 9971 1404
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor

Fav 7 785 1230
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.

Fav 12 3070 1152
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

Fav 23 5432 2007
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.

Fav 11 3235 1988
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13247 2049
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

Fav 182 22272 1458
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

Fav 100 39351 1768
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45410 2754
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49303 2809
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53559 2638
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex

Fav 13 2406 942
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.

Fav 3 2007 841
share tweet
(805): View more from California

It's like a toaster oven for my penis

Fav 7 1175 736
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.

Fav 5 1629 863
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

Fav 12 3281 1063
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.

Fav 7 1562 1109
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I decided to mark my territory.

Fav 2 1085 1375
share tweet
(760): View more from California

i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.

Fav 177 5442 5292
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

Fav 13 6244 1297
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12098 1497
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men

Fav 13 2484 3468
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

Fav 6 2936 886
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish

Fav 12 3195 993
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

Fav 4 3889 1253
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.

Fav 24 4554 1135
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

Fav 25 5250 1527
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

Fav 26 5438 1820
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.

Fav 62 5865 1074
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10628 1509
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

Fav 67 12084 1740
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself

Fav 14 1455 941
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.

(727): View more from Florida

MAS TEQUILA.

Fav 3 1688 854
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it

Fav 11 933 1413
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.

(443): View more from Maryland

hey man, it was for science okay.

Fav 10 1606 662
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus

Fav 2 1841 828
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

Fav 11 3809 937
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.

Fav 5 3566 982
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.

Fav 9 2584 817
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.

Fav 7 2325 981
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.

Fav 2 2085 764
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Get your penis over here NOW. emergency

Fav 10 2487 913
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.

Fav 3 2292 900
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

Fav 18 8123 1528
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

Fav 23 6322 1560
share tweet
(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

Fav 43 9164 1788
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

Fav 87 21055 2042
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8562 49739
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

Fav 17 7212 1882
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131147 3911
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting

Fav 5 2741 1517
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

Fav 17 9903 1875
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.

Fav 6 1895 1120
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

Fav 9 2425 839
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

Fav 27 5084 1305
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.

Fav 1 1476 748
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP

Fav 6 1538 800
share tweet
(559): View more from California

We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying

Fav 1 1310 838
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

Fav 11 2297 825
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?

Fav 10 1742 767
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

We're going to catch a squirrel this summer

Fav 9 2002 849
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for

(804): View more from Virginia

Oh my god she just threw up on her dog

Fav 6 1145 1658
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

Fav 9 1971 812
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

Fav 15 3299 783
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

Fav 18 6100 1083
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.

Fav 9 2527 754
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

Fav 7 3407 733
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life

Fav 2 717 1017
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...

Fav 20 2204 957
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.

Fav 3 1469 849
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?

Fav 27 1276 5083
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

Fav 10 1431 2320
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

Fav 5 3546 847
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.

Fav 9 3167 1174
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

Fav 10 6105 1375
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.

Fav 5 3381 1001
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

Fav 18 1288 2654
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence

Fav 8 1620 611
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.

Fav 5 802 1121
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

Fav 7 2944 909
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

Fav 12 2715 876
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break

Fav 3 2230 723
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.

Fav 20 4666 1226
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.

Fav 2 1947 845
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

Fav 10 3064 1112
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.

Fav 7 2150 1143
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

Fav 32 9113 1378
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"

Fav 23 1782 4696
share tweet
(565): View more from

He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!

Fav 16 3012 1086
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

Fav 5 1602 826
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8805 73984
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

Fav 264 5191 80172
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.

Fav 8 2828 857
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.

Fav 12 4781 1266
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.

(1-305): View more from Florida

God Bless cinco de mayo

Fav 2 1438 742
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.

Fav 3 1666 658
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

Fav 9 2420 896
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet

Fav 4 1634 1108
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

Fav 5 2366 1217
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178642 8178
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

Fav 7 2424 1336
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.

Fav 16 6389 826
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.

Fav 4 1402 843
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?

Fav 12 1477 1509
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.

Fav 2 2436 1071
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself

Fav 6 872 3030
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall

Fav 17 3780 1798
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

Fav 14 6094 1639
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

Fav 30 6481 1042
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.

Fav 19 1496 3429
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.

Fav 11 2540 798
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

Fav 24 6436 1010
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??

Fav 6 1581 863
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts

Fav 1 1163 1015
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.

Fav 6 2036 906
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

Fav 4 1894 674
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies

Fav 4 1664 893
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.

Fav 10 1284 754
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

Fav 9 2825 933
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

Fav 5 2899 939
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.

Fav 7 1383 1203
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties

Fav 3 1675 789
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

Fav 6 3036 799
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry

Fav 8 716 2429
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo

Fav 2 1347 581
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.

Fav 2 653 1068
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

Fav 10 3991 836
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

Fav 19 3997 1063
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

Fav 14 2784 4165
share tweet
(510): View more from California

turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks

Fav 26 4390 1082
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

my mouth tastes like poor choices

Fav 29 1668 1189
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

Fav 14 3233 1473
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america

Fav 9 1811 2467
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

Fav 32 14189 1419
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL

Fav 7 1792 727
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in

Fav 3 1362 921
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

Fav 19 2771 1246
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.

Fav 11 1644 910
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

Fav 18 6882 1267
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.

Fav 10 3263 940
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.

Fav 12 1900 1120
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

Fav 30 4779 1000
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience

Fav 35 6793 1940
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

Fav 46 7729 1752
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.

Fav 46 7250 869
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

Fav 8 4145 1337
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

Fav 4 3430 1222
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk

Fav 4 1598 2837
share tweet
(619): View more from California

By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

Fav 14 2814 1202
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue

Fav 7 1158 1535
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

Fav 8 4241 1037
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

was it more than 30 minutes?

(416): View more from Ontario

ya

(519): View more from Ontario

then you're in a relationship

Fav 34 5214 1131
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway

Fav 3 2289 1028
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

Fav 10 3193 1005
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?

Fav 5 1145 743
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

Fav 11 2633 825
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

Fav 7 2048 815
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

(303): View more from Colorado

This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

Fav 1 1907 817
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.

Fav 4 1636 754
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work

Fav 6 1366 696
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

Fav 6 2857 886
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.

Fav 10 1122 857
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

Fav 10 3362 800
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

Fav 14 5220 1814
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

Fav 22 5399 1713
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

Fav 61 5573 2625
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

Fav 19 5775 1294
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

Fav 23 5968 1457
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

Fav 15 5967 1257
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

Fav 19 7703 1578
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

Fav 209 11130 5013
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could

Fav 36 12385 1254
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

Fav 90 14085 2035
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46056 2514
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

Fav 8 2531 1408
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I am lonely and I want to touch your beard

Fav 8 1963 931
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

Fav 34 15912 1559
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21336 2212
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

Fav 63 22474 1747
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

Fav 75 24981 1723
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31646 2127
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

Fav 98 33308 1774
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45576 2412
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88545 4078
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89707 8269
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

Fav 11 2848 765
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man

Fav 8 1797 659
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

Fav 13 2109 1076
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers

Fav 3 1335 706
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

Fav 3 1783 825
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.

Fav 6 1686 739
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

Fav 6 1534 772
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.

(720): View more from Colorado

When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?

Fav 3 2052 832
share tweet
(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

Fav 11 3484 1012
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?

Fav 6 839 1668
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

Fav 7 2106 866
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

Fav 3 3791 926
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.

Fav 7 1935 882
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke

Fav 1 1702 699
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Lets just say I chased with a burrito.

Fav 4 1063 694
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.

Fav 7 1023 2237
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity

Fav 4 1288 702
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of champions

(423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of stoners

Fav 6 1530 814
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now

(440): View more from Ohio

Ps I am

Fav 8 2530 833
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

Fav 53 1513 5584
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

Fav 7 1782 1176
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.

Fav 5 718 1496
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?

Fav 11 783 1453
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown

Fav 4 1305 720
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

Fav 4 2399 802
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

Fav 9 5690 1303
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'm eating all of the evidence.

Fav 12 2458 823
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

Fav 18 5954 1365
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me

Fav 5 973 1654
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

Fav 5 3298 919
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub

Fav 13 812 2380
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

Fav 28 6536 1214
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

Fav 7 1709 1191
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.

Fav 7 1954 776
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

Fav 16 3263 902
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.

Fav 4 1971 832
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.

Fav 3 1429 653
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

Fav 8 2132 964
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

Fav 7 3132 988
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off

Fav 14 2453 1192
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

You dont lie about slip and slides

Fav 9 1987 802
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.

(512): View more from Texas

I won

Fav 3 1334 820
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

Fav 6 3165 916
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few

Fav 8 1186 2287
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

Fav 7 2479 777
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.

Fav 7 1419 1027
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.

Fav 8 2045 761
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?

Fav 7 1838 813
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ

(1-303): View more from Colorado

he is risen halelujah

Fav 6 1746 866
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

Fav 15 2204 945
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.

Fav 2 1742 833
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6939 1202
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List

(914): View more from New York

Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)

Fav 28 2143 1207
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...

Fav 2 845 1257
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".

Fav 3 1564 864
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.

Fav 12 1700 913
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week

Fav 3 1041 1112
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

Fav 2 2715 1006
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.

Fav 30 4635 1337
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

Fav 11 5795 1235
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad

Fav 3 1331 1047
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13893 1842
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom

Fav 3 2197 1428
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.

Fav 11 1274 1500
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

Fav 14 1001 4006
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

trapped on the roof of the strip club. help

Fav 6 2339 845
share tweet
(44): View more from United Kingdom

You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.

Fav 3 1429 688
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

you were grabbing cocks left and right

(808): View more from Hawaii

you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"

Fav 10 5511 1197
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.

Fav 5 1751 794
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!

Fav 13 4122 1132
share tweet
(650): View more from California

We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

Fav 19 5310 1340
share tweet
(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

Fav 14 3627 1610
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

Fav 38 19324 1254
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

Fav 21 9257 1019
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.

Fav 2 1626 865
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover

Fav 1 1428 764
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.

Fav 4 843 1771
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose

Fav 7 1859 1183
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

Fav 2 1546 1000
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

Fav 2 2410 779
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.

Fav 8 2381 829
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

Fav 3 2655 880
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

Fav 17 3208 1028
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

Fav 4 2093 817
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

Fav 9 1523 1018
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

Fav 7 2595 1137
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

Fav 9 3082 908
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face

Fav 19 1837 759
share tweet
(925): View more from California

you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

Fav 4 3862 1192
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

the scent of your tears make me crave pizza

Fav 7 1296 1081
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

Fav 23 3086 1071
share tweet
(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

Fav 27 1570 8035
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.

Fav 5 3868 1073
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

Fav 21 7495 1197
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

(314): View more from Missouri

Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

Fav 74 1739 6668
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

Fav 14 2940 1126
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

Fav 13 4066 1143
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.

Fav 10 1573 3066
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left

Fav 16 1113 2746
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

Fav 19 10026 1245
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

Fav 32 10422 2095
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

Fav 83 18220 2403
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

Fav 2 1911 770
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good

Fav 7 1587 1027
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

Fav 10 3931 1052
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

Fav 4 2708 917
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.

Fav 4 2587 1017
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

Fav 31 2731 3359
share tweet
(916): View more from California

this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.

Fav 27 5186 980
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

Fav 45 19951 1704
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.

Fav 7 1016 1827
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

Fav 11 4123 1152
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.

Fav 14 2568 1116
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

Fav 19 4150 1102
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

Fav 13 938 3031
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I will give you all my nachos to make this happen

Fav 4 1433 780
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer

Fav 4 901 1478
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital

Fav 4 974 1717
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

Fav 29 4360 1013
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

Fav 4 2907 817
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

Fav 23 1111 3504
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.

Fav 8 883 1152
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.

Fav 8 2072 1101
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

Fav 5 1943 735
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

Fav 8 3345 1235
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.

Fav 11 1684 736
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake

Fav 9 1351 981
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts

Fav 8 2429 831
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

Fav 11 2280 904
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

Fav 42 20809 1555
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104240 6820
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115812 11194
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 131986 5197
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137213 6907
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6952 12712
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88704 9676
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

Fav 118 39402 1935
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.

Fav 3 1523 718
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters

Fav 8 1946 952
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

Fav 8 3071 1290
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.

Fav 2 801 1201
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

Fav 25 3812 1076
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

Fav 2 2374 898
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted

Fav 7 1654 737
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

Fav 10 3990 990
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries

Fav 0 1224 706
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..

Fav 11 1814 808
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

Fav 5 2679 915
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

Fav 18 4239 1448
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

Fav 86 4369 7973
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

other than the jail part I had a really good time with you

Fav 3 2003 833
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me

Fav 27 8361 1237
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

Fav 30 9542 1507
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

Fav 25 1620 6352
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?

Fav 2 799 1836
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

Fav 8 3470 968
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night

Fav 3 2346 820
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.

Fav 11 3371 1301
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream

Fav 13 2893 893
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me

Fav 10 1752 1160
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.

Fav 6 2853 876
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.

(1-517): View more from Michigan

fuck our hall.

Fav 7 901 1890
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.

Fav 3 1136 1548
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.

Fav 11 2376 1068
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.

Fav 14 2763 1238
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

Fav 18 4413 1103
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

Fav 15 3806 994
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.

Fav 12 2288 1128
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

Fav 4 2268 1638
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

Fav 16 5470 1569
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): View more from California

Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

Fav 12 2987 1634
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.

Fav 21 1017 4883
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

Fav 21 4817 1520
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.

Fav 8 4657 887
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

Fav 33 11428 1590
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

Fav 25 1728 5440
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

Fav 27 6554 1253
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.

Fav 9 1979 979
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow

(248): View more from Michigan

Perfect. Like where your heads at

(906): View more from Michigan

By relax I mean have sex

Fav 2 2697 1047
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

Fav 4 1859 1047
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.

Fav 2 1688 738
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.

Fav 8 3513 878
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient

Fav 1 1931 807
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath

Fav 7 2923 854
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!

Fav 6 2029 673
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.

Fav 8 2097 924
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick

(305): View more from Florida

I am very proud of your internet skills

Fav 2 1261 782
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

Fav 17 2786 1016
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.

Fav 2 1086 789
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

Fav 19 1353 2177
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct

Fav 3 1966 761
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.

Fav 5 2850 843
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Looks like I won that one

Fav 10 2443 1103
share tweet