yuanshun03's Favorites Texts:

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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.

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  (973): We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness. http://tfl.nu/5j3m
  Replies (17) Good night (2581) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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  (248): Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'. http://tfl.nu/4pwa
  Replies (10) Good night (5340) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.

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  (256): Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby. http://tfl.nu/s0x6
  Replies (9) Good night (1808) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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  (601): It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face. http://tfl.nu/wypl
  Replies (9) Good night (3023) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.

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  (904): you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/a9rr
  Replies (9) Good night (2658) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.

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  (513): So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks. http://tfl.nu/ufdq
  Replies (19) Good night (2224) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.

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  (651): You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME. http://tfl.nu/uum6
  Replies (4) Good night (1924) Bad night (1025)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  That bitch ruined vodka saturday

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  (651): That bitch ruined vodka saturday http://tfl.nu/2db3
  Replies (6) Good night (597) Bad night (1746) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide

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  (310): Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide http://tfl.nu/450d
  Replies (7) Good night (2324) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.

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  (815): yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead. http://tfl.nu/wa3x
  Replies (6) Good night (1961) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  She fuckin peed on me

  (817): View more from Texas

  Stay golden ponyboy

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  (757): She fuckin peed on me (817): Stay golden ponyboy http://tfl.nu/vooq
  Replies (16) Good night (4670) Bad night (976)
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  (916): View more from California

  You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.

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  (916): You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping. http://tfl.nu/nr1z
  Replies (6) Good night (2038) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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  (225): I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left. http://tfl.nu/d68g
  Replies (24) Good night (3390) Bad night (1316) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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  (315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4
  Replies (20) Good night (5468) Bad night (1177)
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  (818): View more from California

  I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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  (818): I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire http://tfl.nu/rfl8
  Replies (6) Good night (5648) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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  (970): I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie. http://tfl.nu/haj1
  Replies (23) Good night (6576) Bad night (999) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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  (909): He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere. http://tfl.nu/wyhi
  Replies (4) Good night (2951) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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  (412): Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life http://tfl.nu/5boh
  Replies (6) Good night (2745) Bad night (1326) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.

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  (360): We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent. http://tfl.nu/utkw
  Replies (8) Good night (2898) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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  (903): Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning. http://tfl.nu/i0lg
  Replies (6) Good night (2872) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.

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  (917): He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay. http://tfl.nu/36pt
  Replies (7) Good night (2509) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.

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  (+44): I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka. http://tfl.nu/sj2z
  Replies (6) Good night (3018) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina

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  (402): Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina http://tfl.nu/fhci
  Replies (11) Good night (2744) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  i just like, need to vent to someone

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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  (910): i just like, need to vent to someone (919): Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you? http://tfl.nu/t3kk
  Replies (14) Good night (2634) Bad night (1780)
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  (50): View more from

  I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.

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  (50): I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious. http://tfl.nu/irod
  Replies (5) Good night (2855) Bad night (642)
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  (510): View more from California

  God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.

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  (510): God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars. http://tfl.nu/alo4
  Replies (9) Good night (2795) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying

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  (609): Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying http://tfl.nu/j2oh
  Replies (8) Good night (2740) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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  (205): Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails http://tfl.nu/p7in
  Replies (12) Good night (3293) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.

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  (562): I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy. http://tfl.nu/l30m
  Replies (9) Good night (3179) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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  (402): Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week. http://tfl.nu/y6xg
  Replies (16) Good night (3718) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

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  (360): i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical http://tfl.nu/7e1z
  Replies (7) Good night (4144) Bad night (718)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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  (706): Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note http://tfl.nu/2uyq
  Replies (5) Good night (4102) Bad night (700)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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  (+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people. http://tfl.nu/uumz
  Replies (24) Good night (5892) Bad night (1065)
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  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

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  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
  Replies (19) Good night (4905) Bad night (1150) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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  (913): I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms. (1-913): So you know, I'm making that my facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4s8l
  Replies (24) Good night (7620) Bad night (1053)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple

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  (502): i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple http://tfl.nu/806d
  Replies (4) Good night (1637) Bad night (751) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused

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  (402): the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused http://tfl.nu/z0he
  Replies (7) Good night (2861) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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  (707): come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you. http://tfl.nu/6h34
  Replies (17) Good night (1934) Bad night (2380)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer

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  (410): The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer http://tfl.nu/0sxh
  Replies (5) Good night (1413) Bad night (880)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

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  (662): It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face http://tfl.nu/qofd
  Replies (9) Good night (1903) Bad night (1163) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.

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  (337): After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested. http://tfl.nu/exbc
  Replies (7) Good night (2172) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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  (360): if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked http://tfl.nu/kcmn
  Replies (24) Good night (5018) Bad night (1848)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  ... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.

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  (419): ... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette. http://tfl.nu/oqik
  Replies (15) Good night (3044) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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  (217): the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office http://tfl.nu/i7an
  Replies (18) Good night (2652) Bad night (2215)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo

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  (920): The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking (920): All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo http://tfl.nu/eenc
  Replies (9) Good night (2115) Bad night (729)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.

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  (724): Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours. http://tfl.nu/4ug0
  Replies (1) Good night (2198) Bad night (701)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?

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  (785): Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference? http://tfl.nu/d4sd
  Replies (7) Good night (1797) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Who is this?

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?

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  (603): Who is this? (1-603): You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo (603): Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this? http://tfl.nu/iabt
  Replies (5) Good night (2475) Bad night (826)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

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  (859): I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue http://tfl.nu/ia6b
  Replies (18) Good night (4090) Bad night (1889) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job

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  (615): What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job http://tfl.nu/r059
  Replies (8) Good night (1256) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too

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  (608): The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too http://tfl.nu/q1xa
  Replies (4) Good night (1221) Bad night (1645) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.

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  (405): We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation. http://tfl.nu/qmhd
  Replies (10) Good night (2208) Bad night (816) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.

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  (910): I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo. http://tfl.nu/5daz
  Replies (6) Good night (3463) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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  (530): I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting" http://tfl.nu/k1xw
  Replies (7) Good night (1911) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.

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  (202): My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about. (202): Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ. http://tfl.nu/wtju
  Replies (6) Good night (2964) Bad night (751)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  ...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.

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  (815): ...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates. http://tfl.nu/314n
  Replies (9) Good night (944) Bad night (2683) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.

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  (425): Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested. http://tfl.nu/cy6p
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.

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  (405): She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together. http://tfl.nu/gjnv
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.

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  (419): I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again. http://tfl.nu/gudi
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

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  (401): i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems http://tfl.nu/61dr
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.

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  (613): Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs. http://tfl.nu/sez7
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

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  (860): in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore http://tfl.nu/eivb
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.

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  (316): If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already. http://tfl.nu/vt4q
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me

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  (+44): i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me http://tfl.nu/srm7
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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  (240): Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders? http://tfl.nu/9s8f
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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  (519): It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band. http://tfl.nu/y1g3
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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  (314): It'll be just me and my penis against the world. http://tfl.nu/ph7y
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out

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  (256): its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out http://tfl.nu/ng5c
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.

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  (678): we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole. http://tfl.nu/qa53
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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  (801): I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine. http://tfl.nu/flen
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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  (816): ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night. (314): I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it. http://tfl.nu/jfox
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

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  (816): My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis. http://tfl.nu/3uql
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party

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  (248): yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party http://tfl.nu/f5te
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young

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  (815): its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young http://tfl.nu/hsw4
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  (956): View more from Texas

  while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"

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  (956): while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it" http://tfl.nu/f0so
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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  (204): Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard? http://tfl.nu/3z7i
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

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  (508): Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table http://tfl.nu/id1h
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

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  (770): How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden http://tfl.nu/1f55
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  (818): View more from California

  She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....

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  (818): She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again..... http://tfl.nu/lpua
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him

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  (203): apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him http://tfl.nu/3qi4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.

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  (412): i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that. http://tfl.nu/r7ph
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL

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  (859): IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL http://tfl.nu/qlmv
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  (518): View more from New York

  You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."

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  (518): You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break." http://tfl.nu/3ss4
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  (212): View more from New York

  It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis

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  (212): It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis http://tfl.nu/3xfb
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.

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  (732): his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening. http://tfl.nu/ib1o
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  (323): View more from California

  Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

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  (323): Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl. http://tfl.nu/6wl6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird

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  (303): Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird http://tfl.nu/672q
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  (914): View more from New York

  you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.

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  (914): you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap. http://tfl.nu/d86b
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.

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  (612): Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor. http://tfl.nu/6ksu
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.

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  (617): i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here. http://tfl.nu/jd5o
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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  (201): he confused my yawn for an orgasm http://tfl.nu/lvnz
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

  (1-316): View more from Kansas

  That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

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  (316): I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES. (1-316): That's how you know you deserve to be a senior http://tfl.nu/bxif
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.

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  (203): They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care. http://tfl.nu/9gbe
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack

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  (208): please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack http://tfl.nu/5yj9
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.

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  (810): maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me. http://tfl.nu/khu4
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?

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  (865): If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right? http://tfl.nu/p6zg
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  (562): View more from California

  I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

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  (562): I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here. http://tfl.nu/jxmt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong

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  (484): i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong http://tfl.nu/1mot
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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  (770): At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it. http://tfl.nu/bg9a
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?

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  (512): Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend? http://tfl.nu/hvyw
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

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  (813): Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick?? http://tfl.nu/vxvq
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.

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  (815): i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing. http://tfl.nu/zu31
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3

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  (850): Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3 http://tfl.nu/b5wj
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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  (330): Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/9062
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.

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  (910): i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny. http://tfl.nu/fz99
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..

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  (443): I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night.. http://tfl.nu/hua7
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.

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  (616): Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed. http://tfl.nu/ew4t
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12

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  (573): Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12 http://tfl.nu/xbs4
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.

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  (432): Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know. http://tfl.nu/dusl
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  (914): View more from New York

  my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.

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  (914): my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person. http://tfl.nu/80cc
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.

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  (336): I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome. http://tfl.nu/6uzt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again

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  (843): We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again http://tfl.nu/w71h
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong

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  (250): But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong http://tfl.nu/o9zp
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.

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  (978): I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it. http://tfl.nu/93wr
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.

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  (801): He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick. http://tfl.nu/gyi3
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you

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  (519): I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you http://tfl.nu/mvu5
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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  (208): She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs". http://tfl.nu/ppqp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"

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  (617): We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?" http://tfl.nu/sgk0
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

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  (256): I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far. http://tfl.nu/ba65
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent

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  (856): I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent http://tfl.nu/ara2
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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  (972): The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions http://tfl.nu/nm0a
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

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  (228): He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him. http://tfl.nu/emw6
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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  (724): Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers http://tfl.nu/1uct
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.

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  (651): Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too. http://tfl.nu/vstu
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?

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  (781): There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours? http://tfl.nu/3112
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.

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  (228): I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me. http://tfl.nu/ndpv
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  (360): View more from Washington

  And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.

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  (360): And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that. http://tfl.nu/r3iu
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.

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  (443): I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face. http://tfl.nu/jlmy
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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  (720): He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples." http://tfl.nu/rub1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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  (732): That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/7vfy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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  (303): I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep http://tfl.nu/pnlq
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy

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  (973): searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy http://tfl.nu/5ech
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  (716): View more from New York

  I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers

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  (716): I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers http://tfl.nu/1krf
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.

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  (817): I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar. http://tfl.nu/lubl
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.

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  (414): He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after. http://tfl.nu/s41l
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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  (920): I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night. http://tfl.nu/zpas
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  (845): View more from New York

  Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"

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  (845): Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person" http://tfl.nu/45pt
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  (607): View more from New York

  do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?

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  (607): do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers? http://tfl.nu/jybn
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.

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  (678): He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me. http://tfl.nu/j7uh
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol

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  (513): Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol http://tfl.nu/0mrj
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Also pregame at mine tomorrow?

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  (917): My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat. (917): Also pregame at mine tomorrow? http://tfl.nu/3lzk
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

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  (218): I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble. http://tfl.nu/uwsi
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"

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  (973): Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them" http://tfl.nu/9mkz
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority

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  (773): Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority http://tfl.nu/nkbz
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  (619): View more from California

  So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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  (619): So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side. http://tfl.nu/rosc
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?

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  (416): At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out? http://tfl.nu/a2wn
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.

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  (401): Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since. http://tfl.nu/058n
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  How come I never meet celebrities?

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  (410): Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield" (1-410): How come I never meet celebrities? http://tfl.nu/j09q
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  (813): View more from Florida

  He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.

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  (813): He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand. http://tfl.nu/9yan
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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  (970): There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/bv2v
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  (845): View more from New York

  I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?

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  (845): I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right? http://tfl.nu/k79j
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  (562): View more from California

  It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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  (562): It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice. http://tfl.nu/vbsf
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now

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  (302): Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now http://tfl.nu/i71d
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.

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  (620): I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process. http://tfl.nu/qg86
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

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  (484): They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again. http://tfl.nu/d9r7
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  (631): View more from New York

  judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.

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  (631): judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way. http://tfl.nu/a0to
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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  (807): at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket. http://tfl.nu/odip
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.

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  (508): There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day. http://tfl.nu/fth0
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  (801): View more from Utah

  We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party

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  (801): We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party http://tfl.nu/w1ty
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

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  (703): No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off. http://tfl.nu/2s4x
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat

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  (978): Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat http://tfl.nu/7lwm
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care

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  (905): ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care http://tfl.nu/hm11
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  (707): View more from California

  I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor

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  (707): I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor http://tfl.nu/hlsl
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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  (705): The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?" http://tfl.nu/11uf
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.

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  (330): he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present. http://tfl.nu/lnnv
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.

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  (778): I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT. http://tfl.nu/jn8b
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother

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  (240): It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother http://tfl.nu/obkn
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.

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  (740): he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue. http://tfl.nu/53t4
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  (805): View more from California

  Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy

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  (805): Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy http://tfl.nu/e3vy
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  (631): View more from New York

  Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.

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  (631): Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you. http://tfl.nu/saac
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  im here for your entertainment

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  (401): Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you. (603): im here for your entertainment http://tfl.nu/u5ht
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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  (207): She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? " http://tfl.nu/wyfp
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.

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  (503): I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs. http://tfl.nu/iho1
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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  (317): Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good. http://tfl.nu/6afw
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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  (352): Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house? http://tfl.nu/bc2r
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.

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  (202): i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day. http://tfl.nu/yh3a
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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  (207): He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ. http://tfl.nu/rtl1
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  (425): View more from Washington

  please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr

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  (425): please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr http://tfl.nu/rnxk
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?

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  (905): was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree? http://tfl.nu/357c
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal

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  (219): I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal http://tfl.nu/2jng
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.

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  (515): In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much. http://tfl.nu/n8ik
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  (714): View more from California

  I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay

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  (714): I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay http://tfl.nu/rji9
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??

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  (717): at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea?? http://tfl.nu/j9re
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...

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  (971): We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable... http://tfl.nu/8m1y
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  (442): View more from California

  her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.

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  (442): her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite. http://tfl.nu/rdq2
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.

  (478): View more from Georgia

  Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.

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  (251): I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts. (478): Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions. http://tfl.nu/kp4v
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.

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  (309): I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar. http://tfl.nu/nec2
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.

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  (770): I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex. http://tfl.nu/726q
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  (310): View more from California

  He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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  (310): He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone http://tfl.nu/3ij4
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

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  (802): Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok? http://tfl.nu/nera
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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  (+44): I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving http://tfl.nu/jxug
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well

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  (305): We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well http://tfl.nu/ng2b
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

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  (606): can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid? http://tfl.nu/7vpt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.

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  (917): i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing. http://tfl.nu/nkz8
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"

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  (401): You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car" http://tfl.nu/0yb1
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  (772): View more from Florida

  At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?

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  (772): At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends? http://tfl.nu/7e4n
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  (212): View more from New York

  My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.

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  (212): My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing. http://tfl.nu/8vqg
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice

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  (336): If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice http://tfl.nu/pivk
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.

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  (719): On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour. http://tfl.nu/o2dj
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.

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  (808): Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face. http://tfl.nu/bml8
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.

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  (484): I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me. http://tfl.nu/20bq
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.

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  (978): She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent. http://tfl.nu/hcxv
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

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  (630): btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts http://tfl.nu/hxut
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there

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  (319): You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there http://tfl.nu/a5ka
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  (707): View more from California

  He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.

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  (707): He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie. http://tfl.nu/yx94
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.

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  (816): I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted. http://tfl.nu/62u0
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.

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  (843): Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here. http://tfl.nu/2yn8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.

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  (203): Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk. http://tfl.nu/6oqy
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  (714): View more from California

  if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.

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  (714): if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed. http://tfl.nu/eogf
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  (409): View more from Texas

  The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.

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  (409): The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711. http://tfl.nu/l97v
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?

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  (828): Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober? http://tfl.nu/zgqd
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.

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  (702): So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers. http://tfl.nu/tlh4
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  (415): View more from California

  i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth

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  (415): i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth http://tfl.nu/t0qb
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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  (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y
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  (631): View more from New York

  I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?

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  (631): I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone? http://tfl.nu/fjjr
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  (209): View more from California

  There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.

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  (209): There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them. http://tfl.nu/h2fg
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.

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  (732): just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night. http://tfl.nu/zm02
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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  (773): We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/dxz2
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on

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  (814): I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on http://tfl.nu/jkd3
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.

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  (404): considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out. http://tfl.nu/gm4o
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash

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  (570): So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash http://tfl.nu/zmae
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.

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  (407): I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist. http://tfl.nu/erea
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  (345): View more from Cayman Islands

  Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful

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  (345): Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful http://tfl.nu/njho
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.

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  (919): I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process. (1-919): Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop. http://tfl.nu/dsex
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.

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  (501): One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/77ib
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night

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  (406): He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night http://tfl.nu/scut
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.

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  (520): I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again. http://tfl.nu/aob4
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  (716): View more from New York

  he got a rim job in the basement.

  (716): View more from New York

  apparently i was the one who gave it to him.

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  (716): he got a rim job in the basement. (716): apparently i was the one who gave it to him. http://tfl.nu/gzx7
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

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  (414): Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that. http://tfl.nu/4zb9
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  (310): View more from California

  Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.

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  (310): Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention. http://tfl.nu/i2tc
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  (347): View more from New York

  The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09

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  (347): The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09 http://tfl.nu/7ioy
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out

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  (502): we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out http://tfl.nu/ipng
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

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  (904): I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs http://tfl.nu/az3o
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  (631): View more from New York

  Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?

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  (631): Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells? http://tfl.nu/xi2s
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand

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  (816): I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand http://tfl.nu/mvpq
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  (408): View more from California

  we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.

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  (408): we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good. http://tfl.nu/45si
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake

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  (317): Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake http://tfl.nu/x5vz
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.

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  (864): I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened. http://tfl.nu/5edl
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  (518): View more from New York

  my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks

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  (518): my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks http://tfl.nu/8135
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it

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  (541): She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it http://tfl.nu/9pgr
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests

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  (214): I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests http://tfl.nu/7t18
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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  (647): Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral. http://tfl.nu/3rm8
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

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  (937): they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America" http://tfl.nu/sewn
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  (714): View more from California

  All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

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  (714): All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it. http://tfl.nu/eanx
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia

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  (705): my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia http://tfl.nu/20or
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.

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  (203): Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina. http://tfl.nu/y3xd
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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  (306): I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car. http://tfl.nu/2mw2
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.

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  (307): We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives. http://tfl.nu/qq5e
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  (716): View more from New York

  whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete

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  (716): whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete http://tfl.nu/s3e3
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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  (907): I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar. http://tfl.nu/wjyf
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.

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  (917): Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste. http://tfl.nu/mscz
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs

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  (817): I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs http://tfl.nu/vj8z
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?

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  (309): Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away? http://tfl.nu/ex4f
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  (407): View more from Florida

  He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.

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  (407): He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember. http://tfl.nu/ugc6
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?

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  (662): He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people? http://tfl.nu/km81
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.

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  (330): I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter. http://tfl.nu/h1kf
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl

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  (250): i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl http://tfl.nu/d9d2
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  (949): View more from California

  Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

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  (949): Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it? http://tfl.nu/e2vj
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

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  (705): i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away http://tfl.nu/zrix
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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  (317): Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace. http://tfl.nu/qgcb
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  (424): View more from California

  he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety

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  (424): he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety http://tfl.nu/36fw
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.

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  (678): Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous. http://tfl.nu/26wz
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

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  (513): I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered. http://tfl.nu/5t2g
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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  (330): Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron. http://tfl.nu/yv9g
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.

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  (843): GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head. http://tfl.nu/4n4o
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out

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  (803): I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out http://tfl.nu/rkh6
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  (650): View more from California

  Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.

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  (650): Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution. http://tfl.nu/4daa
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

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  (403): i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired http://tfl.nu/1gf1
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"

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  (401): No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out" http://tfl.nu/ac7g
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.

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  (815): I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them. http://tfl.nu/dcim
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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  (541): dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room http://tfl.nu/exa4
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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  (479): When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls. http://tfl.nu/83jv
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  (469): View more from Texas

  In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.

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  (469): In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar. http://tfl.nu/7dw6
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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  (732): I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked. http://tfl.nu/sxfw
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  (805): View more from California

  Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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  (805): Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement? http://tfl.nu/mmb3
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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  (605): He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth. http://tfl.nu/s2q9
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.

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  (276): Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you. http://tfl.nu/pes1
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  (707): View more from California

  You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.

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  (707): You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are. http://tfl.nu/sbxa
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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  (770): There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry. http://tfl.nu/klio
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad

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  (403): well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad http://tfl.nu/t0b7
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  She bit a glass in half.

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  (250): She bit a glass in half. http://tfl.nu/3ugo
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time

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  (216): i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time http://tfl.nu/lu1w
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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  (207): you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom http://tfl.nu/am8n
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys

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  (615): You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys http://tfl.nu/1mtc
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  (415): View more from California

  We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.

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  (415): We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly. http://tfl.nu/2ljg
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.

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  (203): he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going. http://tfl.nu/qkax
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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  (216): This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life. http://tfl.nu/j431
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.

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  (501): Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread. http://tfl.nu/0vqb
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  (854): View more from

  i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews

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  (854): i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews http://tfl.nu/lvjo
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.

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  (816): I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there? (1-816): Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket. http://tfl.nu/46j7
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.

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  (313): Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot. http://tfl.nu/hre1
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.

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  (519): you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner. http://tfl.nu/pwti
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning

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  (414): I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning http://tfl.nu/2xis
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote

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  (216): It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote http://tfl.nu/ew61
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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  (815): I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man. http://tfl.nu/ripg
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  (619): View more from California

  My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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  (619): My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can. http://tfl.nu/8tit
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.

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  (414): Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch. http://tfl.nu/js8y
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  (714): View more from California

  I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister

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  (714): I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister http://tfl.nu/d8wy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down

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  (303): We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down http://tfl.nu/easv
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  (207): View more from Maine

  she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.

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  (207): she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait. http://tfl.nu/lngn
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.

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  (740): I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that. http://tfl.nu/4jg4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that

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  (610): Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that http://tfl.nu/6wwt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.

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  (724): i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver. http://tfl.nu/mj0i
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  (646): View more from New York

  He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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  (646): He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was. http://tfl.nu/uwpx
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  (941): View more from Florida

  sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate

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  (941): sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate http://tfl.nu/n9pe
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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  (864): We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use. http://tfl.nu/kk0h
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.

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  (419): More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill. http://tfl.nu/mtxw
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it

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  (330): beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it http://tfl.nu/hhxp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.

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  (703): I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice. http://tfl.nu/crhq
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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  (404): Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge. http://tfl.nu/3ppt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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  (480): im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk http://tfl.nu/jram
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america

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  (616): Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america http://tfl.nu/zong
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..

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  (302): We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys.. http://tfl.nu/lsa2
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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  (317): you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party... http://tfl.nu/sqle
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?

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  (507): security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs? http://tfl.nu/7ki8
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  (940): View more from Texas

  He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.

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  (940): He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter. http://tfl.nu/rjmj
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?

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  (313): so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room? http://tfl.nu/p8ry
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

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  (330): I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing. http://tfl.nu/hw5t
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  This is why you shouldn't make decisions

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  (978): You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing (860): So? (978): This is why you shouldn't make decisions http://tfl.nu/yiev
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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  (919): I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months http://tfl.nu/8o8f
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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  (310): I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in. http://tfl.nu/n54h
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.

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  (262): we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat. http://tfl.nu/5cls
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.

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  (816): Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs. http://tfl.nu/rxnt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing

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  (540): i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing http://tfl.nu/o77s
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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  (313): you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/cddz
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.

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  (604): the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/g0q9
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."

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  (605): Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great." http://tfl.nu/846x
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  (805): View more from California

  WHY are the edges of my bra charred???

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  (805): WHY are the edges of my bra charred??? http://tfl.nu/czt9
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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  (785): Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites http://tfl.nu/fquq
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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  (316): The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts. http://tfl.nu/ngvo
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
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  (315): View more from New York

  Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

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  (315): Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet. http://tfl.nu/7a74
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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  (517): I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall... http://tfl.nu/myki
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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  (256): No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep. http://tfl.nu/gby7
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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  (815): I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport http://tfl.nu/v33c
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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  (501): SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD. http://tfl.nu/21ls
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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  (603): this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with. http://tfl.nu/tzze
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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  (214): I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused." http://tfl.nu/qcvq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
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  (805): View more from California

  The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break

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  (805): The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break http://tfl.nu/smih
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.

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  (414): The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there. http://tfl.nu/497c
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.

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  (256): Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program. http://tfl.nu/l90z
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

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  (843): Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW. http://tfl.nu/o3ak
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.

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  (201): You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked. http://tfl.nu/py4z
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards

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  (520): This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards http://tfl.nu/ehov
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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  (910): He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work. http://tfl.nu/wbkv
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

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  (815): Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest http://tfl.nu/qjdf
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

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  (703): She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman. http://tfl.nu/z41q
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair

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  (908): i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair http://tfl.nu/bwcm
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  (850): View more from Florida

  you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.

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  (850): you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster. http://tfl.nu/wnb4
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  (850): View more from Florida

  my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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  (850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster. http://tfl.nu/974x
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  (850): View more from Florida

  this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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  (850): this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen http://tfl.nu/1apt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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  (850): Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please. http://tfl.nu/1q4n
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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  (850): She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out. http://tfl.nu/i2ji
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  (850): View more from Florida

  how was your day?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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  (850): how was your day? (404): fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i? http://tfl.nu/0urf
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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  (850): You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus. http://tfl.nu/vr5q
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are you still giving blowjobs?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Who is this?

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  (850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v
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  (850): View more from Florida

  TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

  (407): View more from Florida

  i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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  (850): TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas. (407): i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful. http://tfl.nu/1iey
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  (850): View more from Florida

  By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever

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  (850): By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever http://tfl.nu/n0rq
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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  (850): Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual. http://tfl.nu/97w0
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
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  (850): View more from Florida

  hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

  (904): View more from Florida

  not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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  (850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night? (904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"? (850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants. http://tfl.nu/wk6x
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.

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  (706): She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night. http://tfl.nu/uc8q
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

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  (210): I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours. http://tfl.nu/n5xc
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?

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  (404): Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night? http://tfl.nu/t0ro
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.

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  (918): I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots. http://tfl.nu/xikz
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.

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  (217): i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan. http://tfl.nu/dige
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.

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  (262): Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears. http://tfl.nu/gqzu
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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  (919): i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving. http://tfl.nu/oull
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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  (443): we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice http://tfl.nu/hzcq
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again

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  (678): Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again http://tfl.nu/8daz
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  (904): View more from Florida

  the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

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  (904): the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing http://tfl.nu/38nr
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.

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  (850): I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think. http://tfl.nu/r53a
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  (936): View more from Texas

  You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

  (254): View more from Texas

  Challenge accepted.

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  (936): You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home (254): Challenge accepted. http://tfl.nu/oaxm
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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  (513): New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity. http://tfl.nu/ob6h
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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  (617): She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me http://tfl.nu/lf37
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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  (609): We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far http://tfl.nu/58dc
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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  (205): Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here. http://tfl.nu/viom
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  (254): View more from Texas

  They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call

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  (254): They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call http://tfl.nu/bvwc
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.

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  (416): Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it. http://tfl.nu/d7me
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  (714): View more from California

  Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?

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  (714): Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex? http://tfl.nu/9pxt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.

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  (412): She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing. http://tfl.nu/dwve
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  (347): View more from New York

  He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.

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  (347): He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for. http://tfl.nu/v3jd
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."

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  (804): The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be." http://tfl.nu/zz4e
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.

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  (210): I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad. http://tfl.nu/3nvp
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters

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  (765): just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters http://tfl.nu/51nh
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.

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  (248): Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it. http://tfl.nu/o1jt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war

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  (603): i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war http://tfl.nu/r6ab
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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  (514): Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for http://tfl.nu/ftay
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

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  (610): we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again. http://tfl.nu/goom
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.

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  (512): Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box. http://tfl.nu/wxom
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  (619): View more from California

  If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho

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  (619): If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho http://tfl.nu/n12x
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  (210): View more from Texas

  After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.

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  (210): After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/pl4c
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood

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  (440): Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood http://tfl.nu/t6a5
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

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  (314): It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes. http://tfl.nu/zfb4
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay

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  (919): she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay http://tfl.nu/hwso
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  (415): View more from California

  It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.

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  (415): It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner. http://tfl.nu/rtus
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.

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  (817): he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup. http://tfl.nu/cgag
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.

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  (703): Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night. http://tfl.nu/f2qw
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.

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  (403): I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway. http://tfl.nu/xqv3
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar

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  (419): I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar http://tfl.nu/rxog
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.

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  (803): She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD. http://tfl.nu/b7tw
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks

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  (603): I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks http://tfl.nu/p1yw
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters

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  (937): you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters http://tfl.nu/ru5h
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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  (269): I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE. http://tfl.nu/167y
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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  (403): He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant. http://tfl.nu/2z77
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage

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  (724): Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage http://tfl.nu/yt67
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  (386): View more from Florida

  being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.

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  (386): being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop. http://tfl.nu/b39q
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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  (810): I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago. http://tfl.nu/b9vc
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  (760): View more from California

  Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty

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  (760): Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty http://tfl.nu/lyuj
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  (607): View more from New York

  My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.

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  (607): My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good. http://tfl.nu/t7su
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.

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  (617): i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar. http://tfl.nu/1t99
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.

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  (479): By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo. http://tfl.nu/nmdz
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.

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  (214): Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle. http://tfl.nu/7j8g
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me

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  (404): haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me http://tfl.nu/9ei1
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.

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  (954): I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother. http://tfl.nu/rbuh
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

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  (214): I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine http://tfl.nu/t8mm
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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  (806): You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. http://tfl.nu/i4sd
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.

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  (813): Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house. http://tfl.nu/ztm5
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine

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  (412): a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine http://tfl.nu/k37h
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  (714): View more from California

  I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going

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  (714): I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going http://tfl.nu/ebwx
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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  (918): I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out. http://tfl.nu/s7ox
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."

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  (860): he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk." http://tfl.nu/3tv5
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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  (719): Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence. http://tfl.nu/tuvm
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.

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  (253): The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore. http://tfl.nu/j34l
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.

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  (903): Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/yv47
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.

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  (816): At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug. http://tfl.nu/yhlg
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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  (610): I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse. http://tfl.nu/qk0b
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

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  (505): There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm. http://tfl.nu/k80u
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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  (312): I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy http://tfl.nu/tu8r
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