wtf_h4x's Favorites Texts:

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  (415): View more from California

  LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.

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  (415): LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking. http://tfl.nu/5t1f
  Replies (10) Good night (219) Bad night (1829) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

  (1-909): View more from California

  Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

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  (909): I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets. (1-909): Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon. http://tfl.nu/867u
  Replies (4) Good night (2158) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.

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  (989): Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady. http://tfl.nu/qu2m
  Replies (48) Good night (1246) Bad night (2801) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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  (619): No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch. http://tfl.nu/4axa
  Replies (6) Good night (2987) Bad night (449)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground

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  (252): We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground http://tfl.nu/v1ru
  Replies (8) Good night (1833) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed

  (949): View more from California

  Someone's stooooned

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  (714): I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed (949): Someone's stooooned http://tfl.nu/d50z
  Replies (13) Good night (1796) Bad night (450)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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  (401): There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey http://tfl.nu/j5zf
  Replies (9) Good night (2368) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?

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  (814): so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass? http://tfl.nu/0xyl
  Replies (6) Good night (1174) Bad night (2013) Order T-Shirt
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  (559): View more from California

  Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston

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  (559): Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston http://tfl.nu/g2h3
  Replies (3) Good night (1978) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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  (862): I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you? http://tfl.nu/xnnk
  Replies (16) Good night (2278) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  i think i broke my dog last night...fuck

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  (319): i think i broke my dog last night...fuck http://tfl.nu/y38t
  Replies (6) Good night (338) Bad night (1619) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  how many dildos make it a "collection?"

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  (805): how many dildos make it a "collection?" http://tfl.nu/3sue
  Replies (12) Good night (1386) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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  (914): Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game. http://tfl.nu/xx77
  Replies (15) Good night (3062) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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  (519): she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!" http://tfl.nu/5ib0
  Replies (19) Good night (3491) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?

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  (731): There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight? http://tfl.nu/39pd
  Replies (8) Good night (1495) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

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  (801): I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl. http://tfl.nu/k0v0
  Replies (18) Good night (801) Bad night (4439) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
  Replies (11) Good night (8659) Bad night (1853) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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  (919): We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad. http://tfl.nu/rfuh
  Replies (25) Good night (2046) Bad night (6082) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

  (760): View more from California

  Victory lap

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  (646): Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done (760): Victory lap http://tfl.nu/nhvd
  Replies (5) Good night (2901) Bad night (610)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....

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  (765): the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians.... http://tfl.nu/hvak
  Replies (15) Good night (4097) Bad night (884) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

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  (775): I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH http://tfl.nu/ef88
  Replies (9) Good night (2024) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
  Replies (69) Good night (38122) Bad night (1824)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (80) Good night (44238) Bad night (1722) Order T-Shirt
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.

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  (252): At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys. http://tfl.nu/070i
  Replies (6) Good night (1154) Bad night (477)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.

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  (810): I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning. http://tfl.nu/b9vx
  Replies (25) Good night (1361) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

  (1-607): View more from New York

  Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

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  (607): I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid. (1-607): Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late. http://tfl.nu/e8gd
  Replies (8) Good night (1752) Bad night (563)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch

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  (309): I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch http://tfl.nu/5u8w
  Replies (7) Good night (495) Bad night (1081) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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  (205): Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation. http://tfl.nu/ln89
  Replies (3) Good night (1292) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.

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  (505): The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila. http://tfl.nu/7hos
  Replies (6) Good night (1110) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

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  (613): Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you? http://tfl.nu/o3d1
  Replies (4) Good night (1549) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.

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  (317): You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow. http://tfl.nu/p8o5
  Replies (7) Good night (1475) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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  (+44): The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work" http://tfl.nu/byzn
  Replies (8) Good night (1520) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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  (419): Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate? (1-419): Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly. http://tfl.nu/ok5v
  Replies (20) Good night (3116) Bad night (425) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

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  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
  Replies (14) Good night (3832) Bad night (692)
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  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

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  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
  Replies (16) Good night (4721) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  do we own a ladder

  (206): View more from Washington

  We do not.

  (360): View more from Washington

  then how am i on the roof

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  (360): do we own a ladder (206): We do not. (360): then how am i on the roof http://tfl.nu/xqbq
  Replies (18) Good night (5455) Bad night (516)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.

  (909): View more from California

  Whaaaaaat? No way.

  (206): View more from Washington

  Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.

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  (206): The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag. (909): Whaaaaaat? No way. (206): Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier. http://tfl.nu/t9qj
  Replies (16) Good night (472) Bad night (1802)
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  (619): View more from California

  He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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  (619): He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating. http://tfl.nu/k9pn
  Replies (9) Good night (700) Bad night (2152) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.

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  (614): Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes. http://tfl.nu/ghhe
  Replies (13) Good night (419) Bad night (2112) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bad breakup?

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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  (410): Bad breakup? (1-410): He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB. http://tfl.nu/4dsn
  Replies (54) Good night (1188) Bad night (6135)
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  (863): View more from Florida

  So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.

  (1-863): View more from Florida

  You're a fucking train wreck.

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  (863): So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal. (1-863): You're a fucking train wreck. http://tfl.nu/4qd3
  Replies (3) Good night (1409) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.

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  (360): All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower. http://tfl.nu/z2xv
  Replies (15) Good night (1394) Bad night (771) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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  (775): Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"? http://tfl.nu/g7e2
  Replies (8) Good night (1668) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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  (610): I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird. http://tfl.nu/yqaf
  Replies (18) Good night (2286) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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  (231): Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted. http://tfl.nu/tphx
  Replies (29) Good night (1046) Bad night (3654) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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  (714): Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends. http://tfl.nu/11t7
  Replies (21) Good night (659) Bad night (2312) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...

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  (816): I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility (910): well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is... http://tfl.nu/9yjx
  Replies (5) Good night (1549) Bad night (547)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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  (870): He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n http://tfl.nu/cubl
  Replies (4) Good night (1576) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.

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  (252): We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault. http://tfl.nu/5n55
  Replies (3) Good night (1383) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

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  (404): Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/r7qw
  Replies (10) Good night (1959) Bad night (423)
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  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
  Replies (17) Good night (7448) Bad night (1042)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I think about you every night.

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry.

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  (281): I think about you every night. (1-281): I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/c1b1
  Replies (14) Good night (579) Bad night (2111) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  ru fi oooo

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  (617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang (1-617): ru fi oooo http://tfl.nu/syl6
  Replies (71) Good night (5066) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty

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  (303): I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty http://tfl.nu/j05t
  Replies (3) Good night (677) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"

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  (248): The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations" http://tfl.nu/0f04
  Replies (4) Good night (1843) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!

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  (571): Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?! http://tfl.nu/2zl4
  Replies (5) Good night (1658) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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  (508): You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up. http://tfl.nu/f7oz
  Replies (4) Good night (1870) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

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  (636): You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults. http://tfl.nu/yz23
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  (424): View more from California

  You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.

  (1-424): View more from California

  The hell is wrong with me

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  (424): You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks. (1-424): The hell is wrong with me http://tfl.nu/smgq
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  (207): View more from Maine

  So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"

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  (207): So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night" http://tfl.nu/8ia2
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

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  (540): I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica http://tfl.nu/lleg
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Everyone is cheering

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  (404): Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire. (404): Everyone is cheering http://tfl.nu/wh9k
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.

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  (403): This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy. http://tfl.nu/kmxm
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  (818): View more from California

  dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

  (626): View more from California

  well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

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  (818): dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks (626): well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person http://tfl.nu/xqyj
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  (979): View more from Texas

  We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

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  (979): We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing. http://tfl.nu/hvhg
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  (917): View more from New York City

  its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch

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  (917): its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch http://tfl.nu/4wbs
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  (516): View more from New York

  Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

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  (516): Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style. http://tfl.nu/uxcc
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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  (480): You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show http://tfl.nu/lsuc
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song

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  (+44): He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song http://tfl.nu/ouwi
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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  (571): How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back. http://tfl.nu/nr6f
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  (801): View more from Utah

  walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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  (801): walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home. http://tfl.nu/tt4s
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

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  (316): Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired. http://tfl.nu/ogws
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Smooth sack

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  (864): I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf? (864): Smooth sack http://tfl.nu/a871
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  You fucked her?! HER?!

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

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  (205): You fucked her?! HER?! (1-205): She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir. http://tfl.nu/jld9
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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  (732): Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt http://tfl.nu/9gi1
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you

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  (304): Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you http://tfl.nu/fgii
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

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  (847): Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron. http://tfl.nu/1d6g
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  (559): View more from California

  Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes

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  (559): Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes http://tfl.nu/dyqg
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.

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  (225): Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds. http://tfl.nu/ti8j
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...

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  (202): Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395... http://tfl.nu/2tco
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me

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  (574): It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me http://tfl.nu/pd5w
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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  (201): You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME. http://tfl.nu/tcyr
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.

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  (514): So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe. http://tfl.nu/whvh
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  (315): View more from New York

  Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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  (315): Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video http://tfl.nu/4318
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  (916): View more from California

  My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.

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  (916): My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina. http://tfl.nu/c849
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  (360): View more from Washington

  well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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  (360): well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home http://tfl.nu/1sb0
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.

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  (484): After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me. http://tfl.nu/p7tl
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp

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  (703): it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp http://tfl.nu/dn3p
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.

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  (404): The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad. http://tfl.nu/jenx
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

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  (907): Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed" (414): I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea http://tfl.nu/3884
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom

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  (810): I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom http://tfl.nu/cd2y
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  (707): View more from California

  She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.

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  (707): She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast. http://tfl.nu/czk4
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR

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  (404): NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR http://tfl.nu/cqki
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  (518): View more from New York

  Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play

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  (518): Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play http://tfl.nu/j01d
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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  (913): How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways. (913): 1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me http://tfl.nu/tb9a
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up

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  (570): Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up http://tfl.nu/9j2f
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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  (973): "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time http://tfl.nu/xrvp
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  (979): View more from Texas

  He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

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  (979): He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic http://tfl.nu/8ocy
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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  (484): if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate. http://tfl.nu/ujin
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!

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  (303): Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?! http://tfl.nu/om37
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  (925): View more from California

  All I want is tacobeell and your body

  (1-925): View more from California

  that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

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  (925): All I want is tacobeell and your body (1-925): that's my favorite sentence you've ever said. http://tfl.nu/3boc
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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  (860): You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie. http://tfl.nu/zzfj
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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  (217): Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up? http://tfl.nu/08g9
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  (310): View more from California

  She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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  (310): She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked. http://tfl.nu/yes9
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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  (305): It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you. http://tfl.nu/cw12
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?

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  (303): Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night? http://tfl.nu/dyw8
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  (714): View more from California

  so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

  (1-714): View more from California

  i'm so jealous of you right now.

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  (714): so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;) (1-714): i'm so jealous of you right now. http://tfl.nu/egrq
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

  (1-920): View more from Wisconsin

  no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he wasn't. neither were you.

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  (920): dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss? (1-920): no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom? (920): he wasn't. neither were you. http://tfl.nu/3ltg
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  (917): View more from New York City

  your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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  (917): your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin? http://tfl.nu/252o
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"

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  (603): i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws" http://tfl.nu/3sed
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Redeem this text for a blowjob

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  (507): Redeem this text for a blowjob http://tfl.nu/3lns
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  (212): View more from New York

  He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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  (212): He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall http://tfl.nu/usfu
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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  (775): I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means. http://tfl.nu/woys
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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  (214): My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/3ozf
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  (415): View more from California

  how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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  (415): how hairy? two words: wookie tits http://tfl.nu/0tmt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  Who the fuck is this

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  (561): Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake (1-561): Who the fuck is this http://tfl.nu/nqou
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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  (217): Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns http://tfl.nu/kqyl
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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  (513): Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"? (505): yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win. http://tfl.nu/lwrt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.

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  (901): Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic. http://tfl.nu/8z3j
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT

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  (902): WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT http://tfl.nu/q56u
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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  (919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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  (716): I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth. http://tfl.nu/f5s8
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips

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  (813): I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips http://tfl.nu/x2sl
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

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  (352): I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas. http://tfl.nu/mxts
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (310): View more from California

  Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.

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  (310): Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces. http://tfl.nu/d897
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

  (678): View more from Georgia

  correction: escorted out

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  (404): YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?! (678): correction: escorted out http://tfl.nu/gkul
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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  (205): Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia http://tfl.nu/0tpw
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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  (602): She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section. http://tfl.nu/g47a
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.

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  (843): There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac. (843): I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary. http://tfl.nu/0c6s
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  how bad is she

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  captain morgan with tits

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  (484): how bad is she (215): captain morgan with tits http://tfl.nu/5qnj
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

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  (724): Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me. http://tfl.nu/rflf
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

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  (419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl. http://tfl.nu/cxal
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  (916): View more from California

  Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.

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  (916): Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is. http://tfl.nu/ux2h
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

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  (312): Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog http://tfl.nu/dk0r
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  (914): View more from New York

  Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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  (914): Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face. http://tfl.nu/vgja
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women

  (319): View more from Iowa

  I wish I had your problem

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  (319): I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women (319): I wish I had your problem http://tfl.nu/60uu
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.

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  (770): She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out. http://tfl.nu/r137
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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  (817): I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/7tmi
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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  (660): i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting http://tfl.nu/v176
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
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  (984): View more from North Carolina

  i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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  (984): i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight. http://tfl.nu/cncx
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

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  (703): BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP. http://tfl.nu/bqsy
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  (516): View more from New York

  i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"

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  (516): i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth" http://tfl.nu/n9fj
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.

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  (520): she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce. http://tfl.nu/u935
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  (727): View more from Florida

  what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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  (727): what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway http://tfl.nu/b3sf
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  (512): View more from Texas

  you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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  (512): you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried http://tfl.nu/gu6n
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

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  (917): Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS http://tfl.nu/k9df
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
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  (210): View more from Texas

  he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me

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  (210): he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me http://tfl.nu/5qy1
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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  (850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day" http://tfl.nu/t1df
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

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  (612): Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight http://tfl.nu/a290
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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  (608): I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday. http://tfl.nu/an09
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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  (856): FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?! http://tfl.nu/ganv
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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  (248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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  (330): Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list http://tfl.nu/ucvs
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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  (708): Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex" http://tfl.nu/sy7y
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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  (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. http://tfl.nu/uo6c
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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  (808): you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe http://tfl.nu/mori
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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  (289): Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger. http://tfl.nu/9mbe
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

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  (610): dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks http://tfl.nu/8rbl
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  (305): View more from Florida

  So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

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  (305): So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor. http://tfl.nu/ur1k
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?

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  (603): She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep? http://tfl.nu/8ccn
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  (714): View more from California

  Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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  (714): Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock. http://tfl.nu/bwd8
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  this is your brother

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  (978): im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;) (1-978): this is your brother http://tfl.nu/l4xz
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.

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  (203): She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call. http://tfl.nu/e0jl
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  (415): View more from California

  She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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  (415): She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver. http://tfl.nu/1xbw
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  (315): View more from New York

  Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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  (315): Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left. http://tfl.nu/77za
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

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  (541): i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis. http://tfl.nu/2bxd
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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  (970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right. http://tfl.nu/uxeh
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.

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  (316): I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction. http://tfl.nu/n8tp
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!

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  (678): Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?! http://tfl.nu/sa9o
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  (917): View more from New York City

  every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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  (917): every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/13a6
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  (310): View more from California

  Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  b/c u have herpes

  (310): View more from California

  No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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  (310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss? (770): b/c u have herpes (310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole. http://tfl.nu/unxh
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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  (+61): we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry. http://tfl.nu/qm28
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  (407): View more from Florida

  We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.

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  (407): We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab. http://tfl.nu/iyx8
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  wow.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah, it was that bad.

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  (215): i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me" (267): wow. (215): yeah, it was that bad. http://tfl.nu/hwqj
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

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  (928): its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u. http://tfl.nu/h95p
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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  (330): and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!" http://tfl.nu/62xo
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.

  (917): View more from New York City

  what ever happened to our old dealer?

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  (973): I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day. (917): what ever happened to our old dealer? http://tfl.nu/28sz
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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  (913): You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy http://tfl.nu/fi9p
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm in love

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  (484): I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue (484): I'm in love http://tfl.nu/im8q
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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  (248): My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment. http://tfl.nu/qz9q
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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  (318): When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias http://tfl.nu/7mik
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  next time on intervention

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  (519): isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks? (416): yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off. (519): next time on intervention http://tfl.nu/rnty
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.

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  (623): everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls. http://tfl.nu/6oxa
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  (818): View more from California

  thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)

  (661): View more from California

  should have blown me.

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  (818): thank you for a lively/lovely evening :) (661): should have blown me. http://tfl.nu/rnof
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?

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  (248): Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door? http://tfl.nu/ayiv
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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  (701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk
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  (716): View more from New York

  i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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  (716): i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left. http://tfl.nu/3kuf
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (831): View more from California

  period poops. best. ever.

  (925): View more from California

  omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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  (831): period poops. best. ever. (925): omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that... http://tfl.nu/lwj4
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  (914): View more from New York

  Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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  (914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way. http://tfl.nu/3diq
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  I respect that

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  (508): I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice (1-508): I respect that http://tfl.nu/enis
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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  (732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it. http://tfl.nu/hjdx
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

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  (603): could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt? (1-603): you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call? http://tfl.nu/6h21
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.

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  (313): Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career. http://tfl.nu/jur5
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"

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  (604): He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked" http://tfl.nu/v4rb
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.

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  (862): Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons. http://tfl.nu/bh45
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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  (847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE (1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to. http://tfl.nu/xeyh
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.

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  (541): Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room. http://tfl.nu/wcn9
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on

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  (913): So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on http://tfl.nu/dyrr
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

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  (781): she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser. http://tfl.nu/fqkl
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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  (971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word http://tfl.nu/bykc
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  (315): View more from New York

  We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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  (315): We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah." http://tfl.nu/z1lt
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (772): View more from Florida

  i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me

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  (772): i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me http://tfl.nu/tlrb
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I tried to use my car keys to open my door

  (1-778): View more from British Columbia

  I just started a sentence with yellow.

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  (778): I tried to use my car keys to open my door (1-778): I just started a sentence with yellow. http://tfl.nu/gagl
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  (281): View more from Texas

  The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.

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  (281): The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked. http://tfl.nu/awm7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.

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  (508): I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper. http://tfl.nu/3wm1
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

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  (864): the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation. http://tfl.nu/dzey
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

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  (503): He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you http://tfl.nu/gy7n
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  (914): View more from New York

  There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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  (914): There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone http://tfl.nu/hyr8
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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  (210): Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!" http://tfl.nu/xp9i
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.

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  (630): He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over. http://tfl.nu/mky5
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

  (540): View more from Virginia

  son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

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  (434): you would not believe what I got pierced last night... (540): son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear. http://tfl.nu/q4w6
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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  (604): i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper. (1-604): please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night. http://tfl.nu/j80d
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  What's this douchebags name?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Rob...

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  (908): He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!" (973): What's this douchebags name? (908): Rob... http://tfl.nu/raez
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

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  (330): Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge. http://tfl.nu/j5wy
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  (903): View more from Texas

  My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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  (903): My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something. http://tfl.nu/fhlb
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.

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  (203): No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side. http://tfl.nu/0ask
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  youve hit the jackpot

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  (540): she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out (803): youve hit the jackpot http://tfl.nu/tr3l
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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  (541): get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear. http://tfl.nu/nwnx
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark

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  (484): He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark http://tfl.nu/z2dx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.

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  (508): After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well. http://tfl.nu/5wox
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

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  (720): I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses. (1-720): You sound pretty unsure about all of this. http://tfl.nu/jh6b
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn

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  (330): apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn http://tfl.nu/ven0
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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  (302): He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice". http://tfl.nu/55zb
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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  (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad http://tfl.nu/3y6v
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Talk to you next week

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  (731): I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period. (601): Talk to you next week http://tfl.nu/n6cb
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  dude its may

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Work with me here, man.

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  (843): Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word (803): dude its may (843): Work with me here, man. http://tfl.nu/2m3l
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  doesn't he have a girlfriend???

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  yeah...who do you think woke us up...

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  (504): dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed! (985): doesn't he have a girlfriend??? (504): yeah...who do you think woke us up... http://tfl.nu/43kf
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is sufficient.

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  (412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.

  (1-731): View more from Tennessee

  ohh what kind?

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  (731): new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street. (1-731): ohh what kind? http://tfl.nu/u9xt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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  (519): Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking. (1-519): I'm in awe of how selfish that is. http://tfl.nu/dlh3
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  couldn't find a condom?

  (804): View more from Virginia

  basically

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  (804): don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you (1-804): couldn't find a condom? (804): basically http://tfl.nu/rfmp
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

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  (610): I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible. http://tfl.nu/74be
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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  (703): You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her. http://tfl.nu/ivfo
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES

  (1-505): View more from New Mexico

  This is going everywhere on the internet.

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  (505): TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES (1-505): This is going everywhere on the internet. http://tfl.nu/lcfu
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  I love milkshakes.

  (210): View more from Texas

  Not the point.

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  (210): I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat. (1-210): I love milkshakes. (210): Not the point. http://tfl.nu/tb5t
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Kiss

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  Puke

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  (313): Kiss (1-313): Puke http://tfl.nu/qokk
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.

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  (641): I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob. http://tfl.nu/r7qm
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Stop drinking at work.

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  (402): I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit" (308): Stop drinking at work. http://tfl.nu/v2m5
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.

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  (813): I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came. http://tfl.nu/sa7y
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  (972): View more from Texas

  how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes

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  (972): how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes http://tfl.nu/yix3
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

  (713): View more from Texas

  Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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  (832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept?? (713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger. http://tfl.nu/oww9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

  (571): View more from Virginia

  Fuck you.

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  (703): I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right? (571): Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/jxij
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.

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  (480): I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts. http://tfl.nu/t2zp
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

  (703): View more from Virginia

  this can't be going anywhere good

  (571): View more from Virginia

  nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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  (571): Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah.. (703): this can't be going anywhere good (571): nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\ http://tfl.nu/4i13
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.

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  (505): I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse. http://tfl.nu/niyb
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Her vagina smelled like chicken

  (1-605): View more from South Dakota

  why do you say that

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  chicken smells like everything

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  (605): Her vagina smelled like chicken (1-605): why do you say that (605): chicken smells like everything http://tfl.nu/rfgv
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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  (443): you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up http://tfl.nu/89z7
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.

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  (608): We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth. http://tfl.nu/k58a
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.

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  (425): I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing. http://tfl.nu/l5kn
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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  (757): you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof. http://tfl.nu/pdha
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  (707): View more from California

  he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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  (707): he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting http://tfl.nu/k7m6
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.

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  (317): The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/8y4f
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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  (703): I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you? http://tfl.nu/lfio
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.

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  (404): This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect. http://tfl.nu/w6ad
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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  (704): She brought up feelings... her days are numbered http://tfl.nu/9lng
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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  (308): You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants. http://tfl.nu/tdj1
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  (619): View more from California

  the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting

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  (619): the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting http://tfl.nu/ov15
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  (925): View more from California

  I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom

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  (925): I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom http://tfl.nu/lg7c
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We stopped her at 12

  (708): View more from Illinois

  12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Which answer would freak you out less

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  (630): We stopped her at 12 (708): 12 shots? Or 12 midnight? (630): Which answer would freak you out less http://tfl.nu/edb4
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.

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  (608): I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name. http://tfl.nu/o57y
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  (914): View more from New York

  I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.

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  (914): I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder. http://tfl.nu/btge
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  (415): View more from California

  I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there

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  (415): I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there http://tfl.nu/3k7t
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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  (709): By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco. http://tfl.nu/8qs4
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.

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  (919): Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd. http://tfl.nu/5f3i
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.

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  (305): I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast. http://tfl.nu/47xz
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (713): View more from Texas

  he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"

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  (713): he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses" http://tfl.nu/ra51
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  (713): View more from Texas

  OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

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  (713): OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'? http://tfl.nu/3dip
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?

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  (207): Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!? http://tfl.nu/bzp6
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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  (336): I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella. http://tfl.nu/lhln
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

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  (651): raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win (608): lets go back to having secrets in our friendship http://tfl.nu/pq7s
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.

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  (805): I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it. http://tfl.nu/eeuf
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

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  (810): She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself. http://tfl.nu/zfk0
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.

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  (360): he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me. http://tfl.nu/9e4p
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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  (919): Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY http://tfl.nu/1b9m
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?

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  (509): I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad? http://tfl.nu/r4ig
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

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  (412): we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/vjbm
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  (516): View more from New York

  PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.

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  (516): PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated. http://tfl.nu/z915
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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  (740): I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots" http://tfl.nu/pkth
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Run away.

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  (403): She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian. (403): Run away. http://tfl.nu/pkbx
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  (510): View more from California

  I'm trying to make a sex playlist

  (916): View more from California

  record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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  (510): I'm trying to make a sex playlist (916): record yourself crying and put it on a loop. http://tfl.nu/f4y5
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot

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  (781): I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot http://tfl.nu/lamm
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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  (520): Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals (480): Are you high and at a petting zoo again? http://tfl.nu/ph9z
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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  (610): The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom. (484): I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you. http://tfl.nu/hypz
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

  (1-940): View more from Texas

  you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

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  (940): I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl (1-940): you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent. http://tfl.nu/wzvk
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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  (978): please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker" http://tfl.nu/kgaf
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday

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  (281): Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday http://tfl.nu/9ias
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

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  (702): I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat. http://tfl.nu/7ors
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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  (260): apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much" http://tfl.nu/w7s7
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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  (+44): Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices". http://tfl.nu/tgpv
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

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  (616): Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past. (616): I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures? http://tfl.nu/o51k
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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  (416): Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it? http://tfl.nu/zi0h
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.

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  (219): They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves. http://tfl.nu/j0o7
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children

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  (305): It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children http://tfl.nu/y5x1
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  (406): View more from Montana

  The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.

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  (406): The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been. http://tfl.nu/1jfg
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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  (702): Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride http://tfl.nu/xs6r
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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  (541): We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault http://tfl.nu/ovjn
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.

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  (913): If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out. http://tfl.nu/0a1m
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  (347): View more from New York

  Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one

  (347): View more from New York

  Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...

  (802): View more from Vermont

  do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.

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  (347): Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one (347): Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy... (802): do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy. http://tfl.nu/wg4e
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones

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  (416): i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones http://tfl.nu/stex
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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  (860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her (860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!" (860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies http://tfl.nu/084i
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

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  (816): normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me http://tfl.nu/ze3z
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.

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  (404): Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that. http://tfl.nu/0caw
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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  (973): RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO (908) dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me http://tfl.nu/s889
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  what chic?

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  (870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight? (1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic (870): what chic? http://tfl.nu/m2xn
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  what if I'm pregnant?

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  smusmorshion

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  (908): what if I'm pregnant? (848): smusmorshion http://tfl.nu/vksj
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  (315): View more from New York

  You smell like a Billy Joel song

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  (315): You smell like a Billy Joel song http://tfl.nu/8lk7
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  (916): View more from California

  How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.

  (1-916): View more from California

  Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.

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  (916): How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids. (1-916): Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions. http://tfl.nu/28ax
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  (415): View more from California

  I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

  (510): View more from California

  I hope so

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  (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so http://tfl.nu/tt2l
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition

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  (586): On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes (586): I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition http://tfl.nu/j099
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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  (330): what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car http://tfl.nu/8812
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  (407): View more from Florida

  my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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  (407): my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed. http://tfl.nu/xljx
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

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  (336): Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid. http://tfl.nu/ga4m
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney

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  (224): you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney http://tfl.nu/cyaf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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  (617): i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore http://tfl.nu/4xlx
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  (714): View more from California

  we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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  (714): we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet http://tfl.nu/qhid
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

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  (515): His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him. http://tfl.nu/q8r5
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  (631): View more from New York

  Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?

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  (631): Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"? http://tfl.nu/0zdv
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  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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  (443): Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had. http://tfl.nu/2xlf
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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  (814): Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade. http://tfl.nu/7055
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  (347): View more from New York

  we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  go home

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  (347): we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy (203): go home http://tfl.nu/91uo
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  (903): View more from Texas

  She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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  (903): She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch". http://tfl.nu/00r2
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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  (803): He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b http://tfl.nu/qxl5
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea

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  (920): Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea http://tfl.nu/0m14
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  (305): View more from Florida

  woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...

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  (305): woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"... http://tfl.nu/ev8f
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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  (902): I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence. http://tfl.nu/pvbz
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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  (321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

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  (617): Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased http://tfl.nu/sw63
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.

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  (336): I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm. http://tfl.nu/32ib
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!

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  (561): Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir! http://tfl.nu/b2ab
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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  (215): he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon. http://tfl.nu/6d9i
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"

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  (250): Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole" http://tfl.nu/hdok
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.

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  (513): I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food. http://tfl.nu/mdny
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

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  (573): Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it http://tfl.nu/okq1
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"

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  (513): She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli" http://tfl.nu/zw4q
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.

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  (270): Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture. http://tfl.nu/x5k8
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.

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  (514): he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come. http://tfl.nu/c1dt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.

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  (717): this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl. http://tfl.nu/auau
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.

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  (402): 21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion. http://tfl.nu/915q
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  (310): View more from California

  The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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  (310): The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit. http://tfl.nu/agun
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  What happened to him?

  (1-501): View more from Arkansas

  He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum

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  (501): What happened to him? (1-501): He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum http://tfl.nu/owcl
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  (510): View more from California

  just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?

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  (510): just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i? http://tfl.nu/gdnc
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car

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  (713): Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car http://tfl.nu/eifp
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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  (647): I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS http://tfl.nu/1k5d
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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  (507): All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon http://tfl.nu/xv5b
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.

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  (603): well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access. http://tfl.nu/o23q
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  (916): View more from California

  I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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  (916): I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one... http://tfl.nu/z7kq
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (281): View more from Texas

  what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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  (281): what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish? http://tfl.nu/s2pv
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You're upset about this?

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  (803): We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF? (843): You're upset about this? http://tfl.nu/f42n
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  (518): View more from New York

  He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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  (518): He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock. http://tfl.nu/iuj0
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?

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  (219): I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate? http://tfl.nu/53jf
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