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Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You're like the curious george of whores
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
How's work?
Spinning.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
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