Texts From Last Night · reefle's Favorites

reefle's Favorites Texts:

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(231): View more from Michigan

I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

(612): View more from Minnesota

Nope that was a dude

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(910): View more from North Carolina

I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.

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(937): View more from Ohio

she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(450): View more from Quebec

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills

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(404): View more from Georgia

I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.

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(813): View more from Florida

There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it

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(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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(913): View more from Kansas

My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm on the struggle bus

(847): View more from Illinois

just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(303): View more from Colorado

My hand turned me down

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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(386): View more from Florida

He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(478): View more from Georgia

wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(469): View more from Texas

I can feel my moral fiber fraying.

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job

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(804): View more from Virginia

time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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(641): View more from Iowa

But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"

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(954): View more from Florida

You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

(216): View more from Ohio

this is the second day in a row.

(330): View more from Ohio

Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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(817): View more from Texas

Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

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(516): View more from New York

Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(303): View more from Colorado

How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

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(216): View more from Ohio

Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight

(440): View more from Ohio

Challenge Accepted

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

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(847): View more from Illinois

his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts

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(+34): View more from Spain

You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.

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(909): View more from California

why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?

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(416): View more from Toronto

We were fucking at break-dick speeds.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a Thursday.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you said candy land and then passed out.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(707): View more from California

I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once

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(319): View more from Iowa

umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

(1-319): View more from Iowa

put a dollar in it?

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(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(313): View more from Michigan

It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(850): View more from Florida

He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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(937): View more from Ohio

You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I can do at least one of those things.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

3pm strippers are depressing

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

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(585): View more from New York

Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.

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(518): View more from New York

#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess what happened to me today at work?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have chlamydia. What happened.

(734): View more from Michigan

Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(360): View more from Washington

Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!

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(903): View more from Texas

I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

(214): View more from Texas

kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in 10

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(530): View more from California

Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(619): View more from California

His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

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(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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(804): View more from Virginia

no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(304): View more from West Virginia

No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

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(619): View more from California

By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(989): View more from Michigan

My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(419): View more from Ohio

Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again

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(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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(757): View more from Virginia

he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.

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(925): View more from California

i just saw a foot job.

(925): View more from California

porn is incredible...

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash

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(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

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(513): View more from Ohio

He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner

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(248): View more from Michigan

you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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(905): View more from Toronto

She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.

(416): View more from Ontario

Got yourself a keeper right there.

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(949): View more from California

I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani

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(251): View more from Alabama

He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(416): View more from Toronto

Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.

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(707): View more from California

I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.

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(256): View more from Alabama

All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse

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(573): View more from Missouri

You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(219): View more from Indiana

Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.

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(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.

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(559): View more from California

We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(916): View more from California

you want your laptop back?

(1-916): View more from California

are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?

(916): View more from California

both.

(1-916): View more from California

come over.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(573): View more from Missouri

We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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(425): View more from Washington

she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great

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(727): View more from Florida

He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.

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(954): View more from Florida

i just sent this text using only my big toe

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(951): View more from California

now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i just like, need to vent to someone

(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(408): View more from California

I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(419): View more from Ohio

You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(541): View more from Oregon

He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes

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(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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(817): View more from Texas

I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(217): View more from Illinois

he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper

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(516): View more from New York

I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(440): View more from Ohio

if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret

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(513): View more from Ohio

Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Thanks, mom.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating

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(251): View more from Alabama

but she was nice to me.

(256): View more from Alabama

She was a fuckin STRIPPER.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle

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(207): View more from Maine

I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody

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(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(530): View more from California

Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

hey call me

(810): View more from Michigan

can't. in the shower.

(734): View more from Michigan

... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

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(913): View more from Kansas

farters have to be the big spoon...

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(443): View more from Maryland

We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.

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(847): View more from Illinois

ready 4 sex 2nite?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

wow. woo me matt, woo me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.

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(214): View more from Texas

Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.

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(541): View more from Oregon

We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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(217): View more from Illinois

I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.

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(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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(406): View more from Montana

Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(519): View more from Ontario

My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(713): View more from Texas

Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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(757): View more from Virginia

DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(214): View more from Texas

Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

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(253): View more from Washington

I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.

(281): View more from Texas

No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

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(647): View more from Ontario

the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.

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(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?

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(509): View more from Washington

i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

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(602): View more from Arizona

no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

how was your night?

(212): View more from New York

well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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(323): View more from California

are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions

(310): View more from California

i wish

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(301): View more from Maryland

Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(281): View more from Texas

Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

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(949): View more from California

youre so sexy i want your bod

(410): View more from Maryland

dude, did you turn gay?

(949): View more from California

heather?

(410): View more from Maryland

this is jacob

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(519): View more from Ontario

ambylanc

(1-519): View more from Ontario

what?

(519): View more from Ontario

there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

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(253): View more from Washington

I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(760): View more from California

She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?

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(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop

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(317): View more from Indiana

we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(970): View more from Colorado

dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

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(518): View more from New York

Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?

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(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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(913): View more from Kansas

is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?

(312): View more from Illinois

you sound like my dream girl

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(905): View more from Ontario

they call him Oral-B. enough said

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(408): View more from California

every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.

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(316): View more from Kansas

And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.

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(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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(516): View more from New York

i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

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(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(210): View more from Texas

no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked

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(260): View more from Indiana

He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Considering how often you blow him,high.

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.

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(478): View more from Georgia

She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

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(209): View more from California

His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.

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(281): View more from Texas

It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My astrological sign? Vagitarius.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(+44): View more from England

Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.

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(719): View more from Colorado

You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.

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(727): View more from Florida

when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(801): View more from Utah

First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.

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(772): View more from Florida

No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join

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(856): View more from New Jersey

smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.

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(916): View more from California

I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.

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(519): View more from Ontario

She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it

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