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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The air was thick with penises
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Me too!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Your dad touched me again.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
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