Texts From Last Night · IPN_Showers's Favorites

IPN_Showers's Favorites Texts:

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(917): View more from New York City

I think I just saw someone hide a body.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.

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(716): View more from New York

So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?

(1-716): View more from New York

I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her

(716): View more from New York

Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(404): View more from Georgia

dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

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(410): View more from Maryland

:)

(443): View more from Maryland

Wipe that smile off your face.

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(972): View more from Texas

I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"

(1-972): View more from Texas

More like "Chia Pet"

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(802): View more from Vermont

he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

(573): View more from Missouri

Found more tequila

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire

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(214): View more from Texas

would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry

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(216): View more from Ohio

It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.

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(253): View more from Washington

I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?

(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars

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(925): View more from California

He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball

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(816): View more from Missouri

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.

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(614): View more from Ohio

im so drunk with asians

(1-614): View more from Ohio

where?

(614): View more from Ohio

always

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(407): View more from Florida

You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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(518): View more from New York

im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

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(337): View more from Louisiana

you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm

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(313): View more from Michigan

I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?

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(630): View more from Illinois

she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.

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(214): View more from Texas

come over

(1-214): View more from Texas

yeah sure

(1-214): View more from Texas

wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

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(541): View more from Oregon

I heard you threw up in your lap?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I heard that too.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(850): View more from Florida

Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?

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(212): View more from New York

I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

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(239): View more from Florida

just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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(360): View more from Washington

his personality makes his face look like an asshole.

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(916): View more from California

and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

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(613): View more from Ontario

she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent

(613): View more from Ontario

I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM

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(334): View more from Alabama

Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.

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(804): View more from Virginia

no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies

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(970): View more from Colorado

If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.

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(323): View more from California

I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.

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(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

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(407): View more from Florida

Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?

(1-407): View more from Florida

I hate you

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(214): View more from Texas

He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.

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(650): View more from California

I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Def the best call fo sho

(361): View more from Texas

That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.

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(207): View more from Maine

do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?

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(917): View more from New York City

She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?

(646): View more from New York

Lmao what?

(917): View more from New York City

It's a yes or no question.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(520): View more from Arizona

he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it

(987): View more from

im ashamed your my cousin

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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(801): View more from Utah

Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.

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(219): View more from Indiana

sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.

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(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell

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(626): View more from California

He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

did you answer or finish?

(404): View more from Georgia

both

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(520): View more from Arizona

Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!

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(310): View more from California

He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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(847): View more from Illinois

after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."

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(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?

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(703): View more from Virginia

one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in

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(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(614): View more from Ohio

He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick

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(636): View more from Missouri

this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?

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(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(408): View more from California

I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

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(210): View more from Texas

this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!

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(574): View more from Indiana

i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."

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(940): View more from Texas

I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

(1-940): View more from Texas

you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

brownberry?

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(905): View more from Toronto

Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?

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(818): View more from California

I just ran into the couch, vagina first.

(1-818): View more from California

I hope you got dinner out of it

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

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(917): View more from New York City

Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Used tampon in my purse. That from you?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

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(480): View more from Arizona

This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

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(785): View more from Kansas

whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(415): View more from California

I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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(415): View more from California

how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Anal.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

How'd it feel making her break her religion?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I like taco bell too

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."

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(352): View more from Florida

I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

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(818): View more from California

i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Heaven soaked bacon.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter

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(757): View more from Virginia

Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.

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(817): View more from Texas

i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.

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(251): View more from Alabama

i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.

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(858): View more from California

I'll start drinking again when I know where I am

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(585): View more from New York

Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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(281): View more from Texas

People with herpes should wear stickers.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

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(719): View more from Colorado

new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

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(972): View more from Texas

P.S. I can't hear my feet

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

somebody snuck up and got me drunk

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(310): View more from California

your room smells of hookers.

(904): View more from Florida

And success

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(806): View more from Texas

Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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(404): View more from Georgia

one word: firstdatebathroomanal

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(212): View more from New York

I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro

(630): View more from Illinois

I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth

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(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(503): View more from Oregon

We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?

(509): View more from Washington

Places.

(503): View more from Oregon

Plural? Please tell.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't get it.

(501): View more from Arkansas

Me neither.

(501): View more from Arkansas

But I masturbated to it anyway.

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(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants 0. Shit 1.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you guys were way drunker than both of me

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(214): View more from Texas

Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text

(214): View more from Texas

I know you're alive

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(650): View more from California

Get your hand out of your ass!

(734): View more from Michigan

how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?

(650): View more from California

In your belly button

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want your puppy

(507): View more from Minnesota

I meant pussy

(612): View more from Minnesota

I would rather you take my puppy

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(301): View more from Maryland

Define "chronic" masturbator.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.

(662): View more from Mississippi

I think college has really matured you.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

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(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?

(502): View more from Kentucky

Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(315): View more from New York

You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(480): View more from Arizona

Lets date for the summer

(815): View more from Illinois

what?

(480): View more from Arizona

Dont love me in September.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(815): View more from Illinois

I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(419): View more from Ohio

Want to have sex later?

(614): View more from Ohio

This feels like a trap

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(815): View more from Illinois

Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He had some BAD nuttage

(334): View more from Alabama

Nuttage?

(334): View more from Alabama

It's like cleavage......... but different

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): View more from Connecticut

Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely held a convo with a hobo

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

we have a secret handshake

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(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(214): View more from Texas

in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now

(469): View more from Texas

Pride?

(214): View more from Texas

thats a pack of cougars

(469): View more from Texas

go fuck yourself

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(954): View more from Florida

Your an asshole

(1-954): View more from Florida

Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

(954): View more from Florida

My point exactly

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(512): View more from Texas

I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.

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(406): View more from Montana

my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Nice meating you last night

(843): View more from South Carolina

Not a typo

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(314): View more from Missouri

Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(408): View more from California

carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.

(415): View more from California

be there in 3 mins

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(805): View more from California

who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->

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(850): View more from Florida

I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?

(573): View more from Missouri

I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up

(314): View more from Missouri

Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(636): View more from Missouri

Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.

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(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

(787): View more from Puerto Rico

you smoke with your eyes?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good

(651): View more from Minnesota

who is this?

(612): View more from Minnesota

jesse's little brother

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(434): View more from Virginia

ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl

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(708): View more from Illinois

the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.

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