Texts From Last Night · kemwood's Favorites

kemwood's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

Fav 12 2669 1386
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

Fav 6 2440 824
share tweet

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market

Fav 3 1110 999
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

Fav 12 1208 1766
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.

Fav 6 2064 805
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.

Fav 21 1260 3304
share tweet

(319): View more from Iowa

If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.

Fav 2 806 1283
share tweet

(207): View more from Maine

Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.

Fav 9 2024 968
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Braid them armpits, sister.

Fav 1 1627 981
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?

Fav 6 826 2156
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.

Fav 5 1579 712
share tweet

(913): View more from Kansas

just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.

Fav 6 1799 926
share tweet

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

Fav 9 1595 2424
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

Fav 8 2683 1143
share tweet

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

Fav 4 4723 1032
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.

Fav 9 3421 1069
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

He does that

Fav 4 2881 1078
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.

Fav 32 2181 858
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

Fav 7 2934 1020
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.

Fav 4 1211 1791
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?

Fav 16 1220 2482
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.

Fav 4 3677 1046
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?

Fav 34 942 3014
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.

Fav 3 3187 903
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."

(1-208): View more from Idaho

Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.

(208): View more from Idaho

......... Poor kitty

Fav 9 1454 2282
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.

Fav 6 2123 990
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.

Fav 6 3445 922
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.

Fav 2 1856 823
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.

Fav 7 3086 956
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

Fav 4 3644 1140
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.

Fav 5 1934 1551
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

Fav 19 1486 2838
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.

Fav 12 2910 973
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.

Fav 2 2059 938
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.

Fav 7 2041 994
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

Fav 14 4933 1525
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.

Fav 7 3325 934
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Run away.

Fav 6 1278 2353
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again

Fav 5 3481 1486
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

Fav 9 4361 1040
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...

Fav 6 1591 1029
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty

Fav 5 1019 1847
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

Fav 11 1339 4557
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

Fav 8 4514 940
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.

Fav 4 2235 850
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

Fav 9 2909 1471
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

Fav 7 5476 1230
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.

Fav 5 2627 1123
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.

Fav 5 1692 1283
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

You're welcome.

Fav 9 2416 1376
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

Fav 13 4307 1891
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

Fav 17 5384 1047
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

Fav 19 4167 1226
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

Fav 10 4588 1877
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?

Fav 4 1855 1331
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"

Fav 4 2415 849
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

Fav 10 3661 1027
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."

Fav 9 1071 3565
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

Fav 26 9660 1371
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.

Fav 4 2327 1124
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

Fav 9 5088 1292
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.

Fav 25 1645 3318
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

Fav 8 2195 1750
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me

(310): View more from California

maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA

Fav 1 2200 975
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

Fav 9 3514 1198
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

Fav 13 3845 1135
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

Fav 21 1771 2422
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.

Fav 11 3553 1148
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

Fav 2 3808 1333
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

Fav 4 2498 948
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

Fav 7 3711 1063
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.

Fav 6 2438 1023
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

What's the over under on catching something from your sister?

Fav 21 948 3278
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

Fav 28 6198 1319
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon

Fav 3 1825 997
share tweet
(310): View more from California

A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.

Fav 2 1586 1054
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

Fav 6 4278 1154
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

Fav 8 4555 1297
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

Fav 17 5753 1339
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?

Fav 10 1710 1470
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

Fav 14 4798 1046
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...

Fav 3 2476 1016
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

Fav 12 3897 1153
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

Fav 8 3549 1124
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

Fav 21 5924 1804
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

Fav 5 2952 1812
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

Fav 9 3636 1363
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

Fav 9 4624 1292
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

Fav 18 7906 1300
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

Fav 105 1616 6127
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you made cement angels. it was a great sight.

Fav 18 6249 1110
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

Fav 4 2808 1505
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

Fav 6 3495 1186
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

Fav 55 1522 4457
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8655 2176
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

Fav 23 8661 1325
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

Fav 56 8010 1200
share tweet
(925): View more from California

is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her

Fav 24 9415 953
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

Fav 16 5895 1243
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!

Fav 7 3654 1258
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

Fav 3 5747 1292
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

Fav 17 5179 1241
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

Fav 8 4302 1352
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

Fav 10 3344 1138
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

Fav 12 2462 3055
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

Fav 11 4752 1331
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

so today I found out that she used to be a he....

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

are you gonna get a divorce?

Fav 86 1367 17570
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

Fav 9 7736 1437
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics

Fav 28 971 3979
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.

Fav 6 2467 1309
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.

Fav 8 1121 2129
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

Fav 23 8265 1668
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.

Fav 12 1059 3403
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I wanna bring you to show and tell

Fav 1 2286 965
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

Fav 12 2077 4984
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26483 2346
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.

Fav 13 1163 4919
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.

Fav 21 1588 5677
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

Fav 262 21109 2542
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard

Fav 30 4423 1102
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.

Fav 12 1394 2945
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.

Fav 9 5410 1625
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

Fav 9 4706 1189
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

Fav 2 4086 1112
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night

Fav 5 1345 2645
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

Fav 59 12915 2198
share tweet
(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

Fav 26 10063 1974
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them

Fav 2 4924 994
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.

Fav 6 2989 1128
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man

Fav 10 2983 996
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

Fav 27 12121 1679
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family

Fav 7 3319 1210
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

Fav 37 11358 1370
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest

Fav 37 5646 1303
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

Fav 19 3050 1765
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

Fav 3 3339 1430
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

Fav 3 2761 965
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.

Fav 32 2618 1383
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

Fav 16 1297 3534
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

Fav 13 3485 1536
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him

Fav 2 1442 879
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out

Fav 4 2306 1134
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Good. You are like the clit whisperer.

Fav 26 7041 881
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.

Fav 13 834 1255
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.

Fav 13 5651 1687
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.

Fav 38 1202 5249
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

just found the deal breaker

(1-251): View more from Alabama

hairy back?

(251): View more from Alabama

he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

Fav 73 1368 14842
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

Fav 11 4522 1540
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

Fav 12 9335 1347
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

Fav 15 6322 1985
share tweet
(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

Fav 15 2893 4650
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

Fav 87 2014 5404
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

Fav 16 3207 1871
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.

Fav 50 2753 5908
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

Fav 11 3993 1154
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.

Fav 7 2843 1158
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.

Fav 3 3103 1122
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

Fav 14 7510 1777
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

Fav 6 3068 1581
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

Fav 12 5268 1384
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

Fav 9 4695 1932
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

Fav 10 3669 1936
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

Fav 11 5229 1140
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

Fav 13 3942 1487
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

Fav 7 4144 1274
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.

Fav 5 1196 2258
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

Fav 12 7414 1953
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick

Fav 5 1266 2572
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.

Fav 8 2822 1109
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

Fav 24 5342 1381
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

Fav 10 3988 1269
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds

(404): View more from Georgia

She started it, but I totally finished it.

Fav 6 3869 932
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

Fav 6 3318 1451
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.

Fav 3 3356 948
share tweet
(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

Fav 7 3697 1130
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

Fav 19 5784 1408
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction

Fav 35 1184 4641
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

Fav 80 4457 1099
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever

Fav 8 4393 1163
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.

Fav 15 3027 932
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

Fav 70 7378 1212
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?

Fav 37 737 1248
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped

Fav 8 2008 1221
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

Fav 27 3142 4859
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

can we get nightvision for the apartment?

Fav 7 3444 867
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.

Fav 8 1007 1437
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

Fav 7 5509 1361
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

Fav 27 1772 9286
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Its only 8 and she is already passed out

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2

Fav 73 1754 4092
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..

Fav 9 1742 839
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm

Fav 10 2946 3686
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.

Fav 8 3853 1838
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.

Fav 15 1383 3919
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.

Fav 85 1801 792
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

Fav 17 17650 1574
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

Fav 11 1536 5441
share tweet
(909): View more from California

so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes

Fav 15 986 5523
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If you die in college, do you die in real life?

Fav 42 9725 1481
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun

Fav 16 3449 798
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

Fav 22 2403 1184
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

Fav 15 2617 863
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...

Fav 5 1205 809
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

Fav 14 2196 4320
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

Fav 85 3261 9610
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

Fav 43 1662 8665
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

Fav 10 1591 3220
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

Fav 43 29388 1934
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

her vagine was all disorganized.

Fav 5 890 1534
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'

Fav 27 1235 3541
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently you make a good broom.

Fav 8 887 1010
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy

(1-313): View more from Michigan

You shut your mouth

Fav 34 1861 1058
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

Fav 101 10975 1742
share tweet
(909): View more from California

It's Friday. Sex?

Fav 19 4979 928
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

Fav 3 2699 935
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

Fav 10 4783 1288
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.

(205): View more from Alabama

better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.

Fav 38 1272 5562
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

Fav 40 5886 2108
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you

Fav 21 1330 4760
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me

Fav 27 4237 1107
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

Fav 11 3968 1809
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

Fav 6 3730 1141
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

Fav 15 5537 1380
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

Fav 12 5934 1563
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

Fav 33 9883 1731
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.

Fav 11 3936 1113
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

Fav 25 9675 1356
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

Fav 34 1338 5199
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

Fav 29 7265 1511
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no

Fav 8 2887 1227
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

Fav 29 2232 6490
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass

(901): View more from Tennessee

fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings

Fav 118 4730 1696
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

Fav 89 14465 1616
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.

(1-207): View more from Maine

I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...

Fav 96 3924 1179
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.

Fav 64 7106 937
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.

Fav 41 799 2691
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.

Fav 10 5485 1017
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.

Fav 2 2435 1285
share tweet
(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

Fav 19 3638 1109
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

Fav 29 6571 1602
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

Fav 7 814 2308
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...

Fav 12 1072 4520
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

If that was your dad, he is hot

Fav 8 1345 820
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

How come twittering sounds sexual?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Because of Bambi.

Fav 7 1926 989
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Billy Mays is dead too!

(1-352): View more from Florida

Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs

Fav 11 2319 941
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

Fav 18 7040 1277
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

Fav 35 7766 1254
share tweet
(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

Fav 16 8964 1547
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11786 1399
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?

(325): View more from Texas

Because you touch yourself at night.

Fav 14 3593 1265
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

Fav 58 9262 1414
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.

Fav 13 2530 1666
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.

Fav 9 2330 1209
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.

Fav 6 3555 1441
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

Fav 9 1309 4083
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

Fav 13 7386 2402
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

Fav 10 5371 1492
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.

Fav 20 3969 1805
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.

Fav 5 2385 1290
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

Fav 8 4185 1301
share tweet
(619): View more from California

DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES

Fav 23 5307 830
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

Fav 27 9415 1281
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

(212): View more from New York

Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......

(212): View more from New York

Really

(941): View more from Florida

You win

Fav 4 2976 1032
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

Fav 31 7296 1726
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.

Fav 34 5594 774
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

Fav 65 24887 2188
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

Fav 30 8489 1403
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

Fav 7 4601 1273
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

Fav 35 1789 3180
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.

(907): View more from Alaska

well done

Fav 34 9356 974
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

Fav 38 7796 1089
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.

Fav 18 4519 822
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

Fav 27 1760 904
share tweet
(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

Fav 80 14872 2882
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived

Fav 16 5349 858
share tweet
(925): View more from California

and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.

Fav 21 4702 1533
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

Fav 18 6497 2026
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

Fav 33 7233 1141
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night

Fav 5 4880 1002
share tweet
(818): View more from California

why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?

Fav 26 1302 3854
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house

Fav 17 5192 1105
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.

Fav 4 3459 1372
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.

Fav 10 4397 850
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

Fav 33 22359 2579
share tweet
(909): View more from California

if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids

Fav 18 1943 4271
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.

Fav 15 811 3352
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

Fav 26 8370 2448
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

Fav 21 7147 1285
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.

Fav 43 6351 1060
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

Fav 5 1992 867
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight

Fav 11 4058 1184
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

Fav 34 8166 1051
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53785 3100
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53077 3391
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76370 3425
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

Fav 14 2157 6186
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.

Fav 25 1133 7230
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend

Fav 62 3169 1483
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53559 2638
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

Fav 2 5395 1182
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

Fav 87 16561 3466
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.

Fav 41 4519 1519
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.

Fav 11 3020 1014
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

Fav 156 5865 1051
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I heard you threw up in your lap?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I heard that too.

Fav 9 1915 3945
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?

Fav 16 3999 1284
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?

Fav 67 876 2847
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate

Fav 3 2180 992
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

Fav 6 4417 1329
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

Fav 68 11228 2861
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.

Fav 26 1051 1713
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

Fav 38 3867 2513
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

Fav 35 7137 1411
share tweet
(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

Fav 33 8379 1160
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

Fav 28 4137 1741
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

Fav 23 7003 2476
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

Fav 54 1873 14044
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

Fav 8 5022 1369
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.

Fav 28 1769 3737
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

Fav 14 4683 1225
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

Fav 15 6609 1401
share tweet