Texts From Last Night

jdog93's Favorites Texts:

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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.

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  (218): There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon. http://tfl.nu/foxi
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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  (605): The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet. http://tfl.nu/kmib
  Replies (12) Good night (3005) Bad night (251)
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  (831): View more from California

  oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.

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  (831): oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK. http://tfl.nu/xtip
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  (352): View more from Florida

  She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.

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  (352): She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all. http://tfl.nu/8svu
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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  (210): Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT. http://tfl.nu/29iu
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

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  (519): My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade" http://tfl.nu/3niq
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  (415): View more from California

  There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

  (415): View more from California

  No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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  (415): There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest. (415): No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans http://tfl.nu/liuw
  Replies (13) Good night (4393) Bad night (689)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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  (413): you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure http://tfl.nu/kagu
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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  (541): I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall. http://tfl.nu/64r1
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  why is allison so mad at me??

  (469): View more from Texas

  me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  crap..

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  (318): why is allison so mad at me?? (469): me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!". (318): crap.. http://tfl.nu/7nes
  Replies (28) Good night (1348) Bad night (5782)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.

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  (815): Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me. http://tfl.nu/oi7v
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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  (586): If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption http://tfl.nu/zznp
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  (940): View more from Texas

  never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down

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  (940): never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down http://tfl.nu/bj4x
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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  (913): I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms. (1-913): So you know, I'm making that my facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4s8l
  Replies (24) Good night (7610) Bad night (1035)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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  (860): Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b http://tfl.nu/niwv
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  (818): View more from California

  I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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  (818): I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire http://tfl.nu/rfl8
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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  (908): the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father (973): i think girls just don't want to fuck you http://tfl.nu/fr5s
  Replies (31) Good night (2045) Bad night (5942)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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  (740): He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work" http://tfl.nu/lj9u
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere

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  (740): Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere http://tfl.nu/0hmj
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  (585): View more from New York

  im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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  (585): im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed http://tfl.nu/eq1c
  Replies (89) Good night (9013) Bad night (1507) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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  (503): I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop. (1-503): My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins. http://tfl.nu/dck1
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
  Replies (28) Good night (7978) Bad night (966) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.

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  (702): We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend. http://tfl.nu/9xyn
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.

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  (801): Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes. http://tfl.nu/ehqx
  Replies (17) Good night (905) Bad night (3226) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

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  (540): just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south http://tfl.nu/fqw1
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
  Replies (157) Good night (31289) Bad night (1128) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to

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  (941): Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to http://tfl.nu/6uk1
  Replies (36) Good night (6206) Bad night (2016) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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  (703): i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move http://tfl.nu/msae
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  (954): View more from Florida

  What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

  (904): View more from Florida

  Both

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  (954): What are you talking about? And how drunk are you? (904): Both http://tfl.nu/7q6w
  Replies (18) Good night (6087) Bad night (623)
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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  (807): If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right http://tfl.nu/lb7z
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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  (623): You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!" http://tfl.nu/z3ws
  Replies (10) Good night (3894) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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  (904): Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke? http://tfl.nu/8orw
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it

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  (954): i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it http://tfl.nu/cllt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house

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  (302): Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house http://tfl.nu/fhfx
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday

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  (920): Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday http://tfl.nu/tp2d
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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  (480): Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan. http://tfl.nu/ryui
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.

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  (919): You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad. http://tfl.nu/r24i
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  (858): View more from California

  you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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  (858): you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?" http://tfl.nu/xq6v
  Replies (43) Good night (8539) Bad night (1258) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Lets date for the summer

  (815): View more from Illinois

  what?

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Dont love me in September.

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  (480): Lets date for the summer (815): what? (480): Dont love me in September. http://tfl.nu/x30e
  Replies (8) Good night (2063) Bad night (611)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Who haven't you slept with?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  No one comes to mind.

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  (202): Who haven't you slept with? (703): No one comes to mind. http://tfl.nu/pw54
  Replies (7) Good night (1266) Bad night (517)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I murdered the dance floor call the cops

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  (757): I murdered the dance floor call the cops http://tfl.nu/jwsp
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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  (660): He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean" http://tfl.nu/dsnf
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  (512): View more from Texas

  everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf

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  (512): everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf http://tfl.nu/ndyg
  Replies (26) Good night (705) Bad night (5216) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt

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  (503): you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt http://tfl.nu/y7uz
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
  Replies (16) Good night (8697) Bad night (1015)
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  (949): View more from California

  it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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  (949): it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable http://tfl.nu/8shm
  Replies (13) Good night (3535) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them

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  (612): at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them http://tfl.nu/fxji
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

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  (540): I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune. http://tfl.nu/4goo
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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  (402): There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win. http://tfl.nu/2dfk
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

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  (702): I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared. http://tfl.nu/11u7
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  What's this douchebags name?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Rob...

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  (908): He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!" (973): What's this douchebags name? (908): Rob... http://tfl.nu/raez
  Replies (67) Good night (7562) Bad night (3685)
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  (858): View more from California

  in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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  (858): in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby" http://tfl.nu/q8vs
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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  (920): He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car. http://tfl.nu/srqw
  Replies (38) Good night (10936) Bad night (1145) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

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  (203): spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow http://tfl.nu/sj2l
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie

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  (816): Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie http://tfl.nu/yzwd
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.

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  (678): My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed. http://tfl.nu/n0s1
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  eat her like coffee?

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  (720): yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers (1-720): eat her like coffee? http://tfl.nu/6p99
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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  (519): Clothes are such an inconvenience. http://tfl.nu/1jcm
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  (212): View more from New York

  yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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  (212): yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer" http://tfl.nu/u5kx
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  (207): View more from Maine

  No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.

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  (207): No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better. http://tfl.nu/mlps
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying

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  (574): all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying http://tfl.nu/ymvi
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  (716): View more from New York

  just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.

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  (716): just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars. http://tfl.nu/fh2v
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?

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  (847): another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life? http://tfl.nu/u1gt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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  (307): burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef http://tfl.nu/mi4v
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  (510): View more from California

  my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic

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  (510): my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic http://tfl.nu/11wq
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  (212): View more from New York

  he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

  (718): View more from New York

  He can't hurt my feelings

  (718): View more from New York

  I don't have feelings.

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  (212): he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings (718): He can't hurt my feelings (718): I don't have feelings. http://tfl.nu/gr1o
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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  (501): we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american" http://tfl.nu/1xh1
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.

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  (517): My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance. http://tfl.nu/kmco
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  (361): View more from Texas

  is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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  (361): is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time? (702): not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning http://tfl.nu/nxoz
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I was born with a shot glass in my hand

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  (941): I was born with a shot glass in my hand http://tfl.nu/41xg
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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  (785): Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer. http://tfl.nu/7lxv
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Walk of Shame time yet?

  (1+44): View more from

  Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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  (+44): Walk of Shame time yet? (1+44): Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling? http://tfl.nu/qcn9
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

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  (216): I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking. http://tfl.nu/dn0l
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv

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  (410): i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv http://tfl.nu/8yma
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.

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  (541): he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married. http://tfl.nu/sari
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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  (+44): I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life. http://tfl.nu/bbi7
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Yes and so do I

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  (702): We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore? (1-702): Yes and so do I http://tfl.nu/4rgh
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

  (623): View more from Arizona

  You mean Doughnuts?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  ......No :(

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  (602): I just woke up to me licking the dognuts (623): You mean Doughnuts? (602): ......No :( http://tfl.nu/8azm
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?

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  (847): How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women? http://tfl.nu/e8g0
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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  (513): Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu. http://tfl.nu/2u8z
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

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  (254): I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me. http://tfl.nu/dyjh
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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  (647): I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms. http://tfl.nu/aw2i
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

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  (618): Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window. http://tfl.nu/h7i3
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true

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  (719): Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true http://tfl.nu/xhyv
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Hi

  (805): View more from California

  Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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  (425): Hi (805): Babe...You're really smothering me right now http://tfl.nu/5pqv
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  (850): View more from Florida

  i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend

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  (850): i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend http://tfl.nu/u4us
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I feel like death. Did you die last night?

  (305): View more from Florida

  Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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  (859): I feel like death. Did you die last night? (305): Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta! (859): unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus http://tfl.nu/lgid
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  I would love to give you more rug burn

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  (313): Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible. (1-313): I would love to give you more rug burn http://tfl.nu/8ela
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  (360): View more from Washington

  nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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  (360): nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked http://tfl.nu/nh0r
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

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  (717): Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too? (206): Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no. http://tfl.nu/3dwz
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

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  (774): ugh. my soul tastes like vodka http://tfl.nu/d0v0
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  i want to fuck

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  ?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  it's pretty self explanatory

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  (701): i want to fuck (320): ? (701): it's pretty self explanatory http://tfl.nu/ul4n
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

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  (913): Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move. http://tfl.nu/e9ea
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  (239): View more from Florida

  so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.

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  (239): so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are. http://tfl.nu/bpgx
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  (661): View more from California

  We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex

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  (661): We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex http://tfl.nu/uikr
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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  (618): So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in. http://tfl.nu/s63a
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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  (870): So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button http://tfl.nu/tmep
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  (721): View more from

  That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  omg, i know.

  (721): View more from

  we're too high.

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  (721): That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure. (703): omg, i know. (721): we're too high. http://tfl.nu/fbyr
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"

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  (636): she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you" http://tfl.nu/5amp
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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  (850): I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized. http://tfl.nu/cbfh
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  (817): View more from Texas

  why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?

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  (817): why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"? http://tfl.nu/jsyi
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

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  (301): Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands? http://tfl.nu/6ufe
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Salt in an open wound right now.

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  (301): I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job. (704): How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore? (301): Salt in an open wound right now. http://tfl.nu/m9a1
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  (727): View more from Florida

  She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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  (727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.

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  (443): That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face. http://tfl.nu/yqg0
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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  (248): Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.'' http://tfl.nu/51jx
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

  (219): View more from Indiana

  I need you to use more vowels.

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  (812): gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar (219): I need you to use more vowels. http://tfl.nu/cjfw
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..

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  (902): he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us.. http://tfl.nu/wn2b
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.

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  (819): We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive. http://tfl.nu/7d2g
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  (707): View more from California

  Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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  (707): Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car. http://tfl.nu/kt4h
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction

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  (864): I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction http://tfl.nu/jk7c
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  hot girl, 5 o clock

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  do you know how to read a clock?

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  (630): hot girl, 5 o clock (1-630): do you know how to read a clock? http://tfl.nu/x1wt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love

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  (561): I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love http://tfl.nu/jtcg
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.

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  (615): Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree. http://tfl.nu/pq0u
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.

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  (617): That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head. http://tfl.nu/g2zg
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???

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  (702): If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy??? http://tfl.nu/4rkp
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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  (773): I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow http://tfl.nu/1xbr
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton

  (1-770): View more from Georgia

  i said paris hilton

  (770): View more from Georgia

  thats even worse

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  (770): cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton (1-770): i said paris hilton (770): thats even worse http://tfl.nu/l6ke
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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  (770): Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives??? http://tfl.nu/8m9c
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  (949): View more from California

  he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"

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  (949): he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say" http://tfl.nu/b497
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.

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  (240): I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop. http://tfl.nu/iw16
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?

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  (307): How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots? http://tfl.nu/gvsx
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car

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  (724): You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car http://tfl.nu/cede
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  (650): View more from California

  Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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  (650): Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother" http://tfl.nu/4czs
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you can't hurt those

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  (314): I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over (314): you can't hurt those http://tfl.nu/gmcq
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

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  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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  (651): he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong. http://tfl.nu/ln52
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

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  (352): I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last http://tfl.nu/oknv
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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  (403): I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like. http://tfl.nu/sasf
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  (716): View more from New York

  come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

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  (716): come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk! http://tfl.nu/py4j
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

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  (905): Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated. http://tfl.nu/ymio
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  no you cant smoke seaweed

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  (702): no you cant smoke seaweed http://tfl.nu/a9kv
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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  (240): i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark. http://tfl.nu/ophf
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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  (404): hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma. http://tfl.nu/dkbg
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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  (609): We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far http://tfl.nu/58dc
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Do you remember last night at all? Be honest

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.

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  (703): Do you remember last night at all? Be honest (215): I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps. http://tfl.nu/7u3j
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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  (402): Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake. http://tfl.nu/294d
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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  (401): My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people http://tfl.nu/xhvq
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  (212): View more from New York

  ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  this is Aaron, hi

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  (212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am

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  (757): if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am http://tfl.nu/cj17
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  just found the deal breaker

  (1-251): View more from Alabama

  hairy back?

  (251): View more from Alabama

  he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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  (251): just found the deal breaker (1-251): hairy back? (251): he can't live within 1000 ft of a school http://tfl.nu/kwkd
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  (682): View more from Texas

  you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower

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  (682): you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower http://tfl.nu/wfgk
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can get orange kush...

  (586): View more from Michigan

  GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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  (313): I can get orange kush... (586): GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?! http://tfl.nu/voiy
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

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  (717): this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation http://tfl.nu/knkc
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  no his phone, idiot.

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  (321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. http://tfl.nu/beyf
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

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  (913): Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now http://tfl.nu/wp4u
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  (214): View more from Texas

  in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now

  (469): View more from Texas

  Pride?

  (214): View more from Texas

  thats a pack of cougars

  (469): View more from Texas

  go fuck yourself

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  (214): in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now (469): Pride? (214): thats a pack of cougars (469): go fuck yourself http://tfl.nu/22tj
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  (518): View more from New York

  i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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  (518): i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock http://tfl.nu/9mlf
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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  (413): In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does. http://tfl.nu/f5ii
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!

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  (816): Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?! http://tfl.nu/dodw
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  so no drinking for you?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  don't be silly

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  (615): small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party (423): so no drinking for you? (615): don't be silly http://tfl.nu/xiol
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.

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  (952): pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient. http://tfl.nu/mkyj
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.

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  (214): Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love. http://tfl.nu/wggk
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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  (603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her http://tfl.nu/t8zc
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  fucking a dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i mean: fucking a, dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  wow, that comma made all the difference there

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  (703): fucking a dude (703): i mean: fucking a, dude (703): wow, that comma made all the difference there http://tfl.nu/2m4f
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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  (503): I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team http://tfl.nu/ke7v
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.

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  (615): I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him. http://tfl.nu/4ib9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan

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  (616): this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan http://tfl.nu/llmd
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  drunk me is so punny.

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  (803): so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life. (843): drunk me is so punny. http://tfl.nu/qdzv
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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  (770): At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it. http://tfl.nu/bg9a
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  It is literally 8 in the morning.

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  (402): NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!! (1-402): It is literally 8 in the morning. http://tfl.nu/koue
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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  (732): That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/7vfy
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.

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  (817): I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar. http://tfl.nu/lubl
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.

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  (630): it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up. http://tfl.nu/l5tu
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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  (508): Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend. http://tfl.nu/c0jn
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.

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  (706): I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables. http://tfl.nu/8ikv
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  YES

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  (586): If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct? (313): YES http://tfl.nu/udyu
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing

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  (540): i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing http://tfl.nu/o77s
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
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  (917): View more from New York City

  On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests

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  (917): On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests http://tfl.nu/0vji
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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  (908): Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage. http://tfl.nu/uh3k
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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  (515): I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that" http://tfl.nu/9edj
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  (818): View more from California

  lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy

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  (818): lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy http://tfl.nu/lvli
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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  (512): I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different. http://tfl.nu/tob0
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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  (614): If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people http://tfl.nu/avir
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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  (480): How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night? http://tfl.nu/kz3y
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.

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  (203): a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up. http://tfl.nu/5e3h
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  dude she's married.

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  so? a ring don't cover no holes.

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  (269): dude she's married. (1-269): so? a ring don't cover no holes. http://tfl.nu/8xdg
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down

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  (203): he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down http://tfl.nu/m1he
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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  (512): Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie. http://tfl.nu/3ijz
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  (365): View more from

  I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.

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  (365): I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors. http://tfl.nu/2m9c
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  She did the bend and snap...

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  (519): I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy. (519): She did the bend and snap... http://tfl.nu/78hn
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.

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  (970): you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake. http://tfl.nu/y1g9
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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  (228): thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God" http://tfl.nu/z3qu
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.

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  (573): Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life. http://tfl.nu/evuh
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?

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  (217): Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina? http://tfl.nu/iipt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"

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  (412): I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this" http://tfl.nu/4n5n
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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  (913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago. http://tfl.nu/uh8m
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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  (204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head. http://tfl.nu/a92s
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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  (215): he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles http://tfl.nu/ya5r
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.

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  (231): i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am. http://tfl.nu/2854
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

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  (201): At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure." http://tfl.nu/vpnd
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  you mean pants?

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  (602): I wish they made sweatshirts for legs (1-602): you mean pants? http://tfl.nu/ceop
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  what if every blade of grass was a penis?

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  (610): what if every blade of grass was a penis? http://tfl.nu/ka1d
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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  (860): As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. http://tfl.nu/lted
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  dude, osama threatened the US again

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  dude. i slept with your sister last night

  (847): View more from Illinois

  what?

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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  (847): dude, osama threatened the US again (1-847): dude. i slept with your sister last night (847): what? (1-847) I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news http://tfl.nu/r4dc
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.

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  (402): she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home. http://tfl.nu/joow
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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  (785): whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick http://tfl.nu/3xlh
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  :)

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Wipe that smile off your face.

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  (410): :) (443): Wipe that smile off your face. http://tfl.nu/iqow
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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  (971): So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully" http://tfl.nu/lw3x
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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  (905): i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers. http://tfl.nu/1i45
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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  (617): wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara..... http://tfl.nu/je0j
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  (646): View more from New York

  Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?

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  (646): Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton? http://tfl.nu/taql
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up

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  (440): maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up http://tfl.nu/j6pu
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

  (415): View more from California

  shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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  (231): I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence (415): shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy. http://tfl.nu/3ya6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Ppl just aren't as funny as we are

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  (847): Ppl just aren't as funny as we are http://tfl.nu/yoyk
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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  (402): Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR. http://tfl.nu/vjij
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  (845): View more from New York

  I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

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  (845): I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing http://tfl.nu/4411
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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  (443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd
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  (415): View more from California

  Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

  (415): View more from California

  Recession joke.

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  (415): Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99 (415): Recession joke. http://tfl.nu/0g53
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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  (847): just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain". http://tfl.nu/ukpa
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  are you high?

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  (402): what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers (1-402): are you high? http://tfl.nu/fjf1
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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  (432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested

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  (217): Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested http://tfl.nu/xgcc
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

  (648): View more from

  Since when is drunk an angle?

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  (319): He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle (648): Since when is drunk an angle? http://tfl.nu/dhcr
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

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  (610): She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her http://tfl.nu/saue
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

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  (440): i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense http://tfl.nu/65hc
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Sacagawea was the original milf.

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  (952): Sacagawea was the original milf. http://tfl.nu/8vpz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?

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  (970): Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet? http://tfl.nu/tasx
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  (310): View more from California

  The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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  (310): The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit. http://tfl.nu/agun
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  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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  (816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt
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