Texts From Last Night · kbug51689's Favorites

kbug51689's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Blow your rape whistle

Fav 22 3330 1393
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"

Fav 7 2809 1346
share tweet

(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

Fav 10 2822 1489
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

Fav 8 7163 1340
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(352): View more from Florida

I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

Fav 16 4208 1256
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

Fav 11 4338 1216
share tweet

(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

Fav 7 3058 910
share tweet

(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

Fav 19 5574 1223
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

Fav 14 5389 1675
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(254): View more from Texas

There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.

(512): View more from Texas

That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.

Fav 9 3219 1507
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed

Fav 4 2840 1137
share tweet

(713): View more from Texas

I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.

Fav 6 3423 1146
share tweet

(585): View more from New York

that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

Fav 11 1739 4103
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

Fav 4 3802 1462
share tweet

(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

Fav 19 6202 1571
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.

Fav 3 2937 1237
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone

Fav 3 3079 976
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

Fav 4 3566 3823
share tweet
(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

Fav 16 8964 1547
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

Fav 8 6278 1485
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

Fav 19 8249 1469
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I swear to god he's a one man village people.

Fav 13 3271 1569
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

Fav 23 7539 1340
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?

Fav 5 3638 1520
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK

Fav 6 3253 1397
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

Fav 35 9717 2199
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.

(478): View more from Georgia

Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.

Fav 13 3147 1395
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

Fav 4 4037 1273
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

Fav 14 8353 2004
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10628 1509
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

Fav 29 2677 1011
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

Fav 6 2792 924
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important

Fav 3 3328 1304
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

Fav 59 7876 1426
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in

(843): View more from South Carolina

Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.

Fav 5 875 2706
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

Fav 30 4779 1000
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

Fav 12 4691 1964
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

Fav 79 14639 1375
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday

Fav 4 3469 1206
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

Fav 16 6198 1374
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

Fav 26 6474 1324
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

Fav 13 6150 2528
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.

Fav 9 1177 1711
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

Fav 7 5868 1323
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

Fav 22 10555 1410
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

Fav 3 3538 1211
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep

Fav 21 1475 2832
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.

Fav 9 2964 1152
share tweet
(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

Fav 37 10253 2615
share tweet
(925): View more from California

If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.

Fav 30 4248 1176
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking

Fav 16 6481 1211
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"

Fav 30 6804 1996
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.

Fav 12 1099 4025
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.

Fav 4 3299 1258
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

Fav 11 8056 1425
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

Fav 19 16125 2491
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

false alarm. still invincible.

Fav 35 8742 1086
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

Fav 20 5105 1048
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.

Fav 23 1004 4586
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

Fav 10 3898 1226
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

Fav 12 4564 1305
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

Fav 16 4552 1506
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.

Fav 30 4769 1842
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

Fav 15 6739 1577
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

Fav 27 4536 1136
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

(1-804): View more from Virginia

wow, that really makes you stop and think.

Fav 11 1723 1019
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow

Fav 4 1605 758
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

Fav 8 4280 912
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

Fav 35 14137 1498
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

Fav 33 7375 1508
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.

Fav 5 1031 3855
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

Fav 81 9000 1360
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

Fav 17 9068 1495
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".

Fav 10 2338 3748
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

Fav 17 7028 1992
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

Fav 44 7888 1458
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.

Fav 14 1462 5184
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

Fav 7 4356 1616
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20773 2679
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!

(804): View more from Virginia

a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.

(804): View more from Virginia

That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.

Fav 115 1235 3634
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

Fav 25 1288 4063
share tweet
(209): View more from California

i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me

Fav 24 3361 1069
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

Fav 23 12227 1869
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.

Fav 13 4224 1041
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

Fav 20 8984 1643
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese

Fav 4 5035 1301
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

Fav 29 5664 2087
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

Fav 25 12342 1120
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

Fav 9 4485 1305
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

Fav 34 12261 1840
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

Fav 19 6540 1366
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

Fav 13 5572 1710
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait

Fav 9 2477 1102
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL

(609): View more from New Jersey

dude. stop pregaming the food network.

Fav 6 2545 924
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

Fav 25 9949 1390
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

Fav 6 5177 1243
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

Fav 11 1796 6284
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

Fav 30 7267 3264
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting a business if you want to get involved

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

oh boy

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings

Fav 21 3313 814
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji

Fav 9 1504 2561
share tweet
(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

Fav 11 8422 1469
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex

Fav 4 3117 853
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I murdered the dance floor call the cops

Fav 14 2631 973
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

Fav 8 3473 1413
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

Fav 34 8873 1995
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.

Fav 26 4694 993
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

Fav 17 5735 997
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

Fav 27 9415 1281
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

Fav 31 6126 2217
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

Fav 57 4587 1365
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards

Fav 4 1082 1267
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

Fav 143 2753 51376
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.

Fav 31 1451 5001
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

Fav 4 7139 1388
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8655 2176
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

Fav 12 3623 2183
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Fav 99 27491 1851
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

Fav 35 8844 1636
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14522 5761
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!

Fav 64 1389 2377
share tweet
(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

Fav 19 2679 6309
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

Fav 12 5654 1472
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

Fav 15 3392 6132
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

Fav 18 8567 2313
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

Fav 7 7343 1430
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

Fav 10 4782 1288
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

Fav 20 9285 2023
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.

Fav 9 952 4300
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

Fav 10 6362 1504
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

Fav 40 2202 6951
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down

Fav 48 5526 1339
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.

Fav 10 4846 1028
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

Fav 12 2332 2920
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

Fav 42 3052 1387
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21182 1937
share tweet
(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

Fav 26 6193 1293
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

Fav 40 10290 1536
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16943 1856
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

Fav 10 7458 1677
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

Fav 26 5583 1615
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

Fav 27 1473 2952
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.

Fav 12 5778 1690
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me

Fav 38 6383 1128
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.

Fav 20 7250 1420
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

Fav 44 15604 1980
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

Fav 32 6036 2147
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.

Fav 11 2686 995
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.

Fav 3 3551 768
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.

Fav 4 841 4328
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

Fav 41 12264 1778
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

Fav 77 6566 2356
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

Fav 38 7295 1535
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

Fav 7 2235 1064
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

Fav 30 6463 1314
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

Fav 15 1973 6249
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

Fav 21 7510 1778
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39691 2408
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

Fav 22 1767 3519
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

Fav 21 2208 8728
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

Fav 26 5798 1432
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

Fav 16 5326 1366
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

Fav 26 13588 1716
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10197 1909
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

Fav 17 6900 1468
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

Fav 17 7414 2159
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

Fav 14 4773 1656
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

Fav 13 2206 845
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

Fav 70 10832 1439
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid

Fav 18 3586 1462
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

Fav 46 2361 5743
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

Fav 240 2446 8893
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I think my vagina is haunted

Fav 26 1177 3551
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking

Fav 49 1703 4355
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

Fav 17 5024 1494
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

Fav 8 1672 3868
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

Fav 86 3618 15826
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.

Fav 18 6164 1544
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.

Fav 21 5408 1555
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

Fav 24 1676 5592
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

Fav 7 5434 1211
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

Fav 17 6930 2194
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

Fav 31 12513 1765
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

Fav 14 5378 1684
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

Fav 40 14772 2006
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

Fav 26 12667 2379
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9472 1659
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

Fav 20 6042 1361
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

Fav 21 8915 1546
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

(573): View more from Missouri

Found more tequila

Fav 9 4894 847
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

Fav 117 3543 12404
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

Fav 19 9501 1633
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

Fav 19 9703 1801
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

Fav 36 6472 1582
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

Fav 24 18756 1365
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

Fav 9 8209 1269
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

Fav 31 4801 5707
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

Fav 21 5836 2474
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

Fav 46 2747 18478
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.

Fav 11 3964 1451
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu

(773): View more from Illinois

which is why it's clearly superior

Fav 26 3158 859
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

Fav 18 7081 2252
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

Fav 33 2321 7402
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

Fav 13 5198 1999
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

Fav 11 1335 4300
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

Fav 9 6850 1570
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

Fav 12 6275 1404
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"

Fav 16 8103 1286
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

Fav 32 10496 1193
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"

Fav 17 7505 1224
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

Fav 91 4659 16954
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

Fav 16 3452 1042
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

Fav 32 10089 2432
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

Fav 19 7612 1501
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

Fav 39 8783 1261
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.

Fav 12 1905 4741
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy

(860): View more from Connecticut

enjoy the hospital

Fav 7 2543 951
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

Fav 14 6581 1638
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.

Fav 35 4133 1227
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

Fav 15 10192 1424
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15493 2360
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

Fav 21 8706 1627
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.

Fav 23 5562 1168
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Too many margaritas?

Fav 9 4414 1352
share tweet
(925): View more from California

he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look

Fav 34 1086 2772
share tweet
(408): View more from California

We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.

Fav 17 6115 1077
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

Fav 16 1424 4935
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

Fav 15 3921 1629
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

Fav 16 1506 3937
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9032 5323
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

Fav 56 16523 2166
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

Fav 39 13295 1704
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.

Fav 24 4451 1072
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

Fav 19 5033 2130
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

Fav 12 5091 1204
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Fav 30 19140 1550
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Joe is yelling at the trees again.

Fav 26 4249 994
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...

Fav 50 1706 5161
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.

Fav 15 1224 4432
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20364 2183
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

Fav 30 10803 2114
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

Fav 9 6601 1428
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

Fav 22 3724 3691
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying

Fav 12 1244 6503
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

Fav 13 9047 1232
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

Fav 11 5254 1154
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box

Fav 5 4508 981
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!

Fav 18 3086 902
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

Fav 16 5895 1243
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

Fav 91 2367 10203
share tweet
(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

Fav 25 7581 1106
share tweet
(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

Fav 38 10283 1060
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

Fav 29 8739 1194
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

Fav 53 6763 1386
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

Fav 14 1838 5900
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7484 1934
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

Fav 49 5593 2254
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

Fav 34 16505 1557
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

Fav 15 5548 1003
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6750 1630
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

Fav 23 1492 5937
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can you come get me at the bar

(301): View more from Maryland

ill be there in 10 min

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

Fav 37 10051 1152
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

Fav 14 3620 1739
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

Fav 13 6880 1591
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.

Fav 11 1419 5859
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.

Fav 6 5360 1201
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."

Fav 15 1142 7266
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

Fav 18 1640 6927
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

Fav 8 5838 2295
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

Fav 27 7967 1543
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26744 2044
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

Fav 13 10097 2198
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

Fav 40 17273 2675
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

Fav 39 9657 1644
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

Fav 36 18662 1506
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I can't believe he would be such an ass

(1-561): View more from Florida

Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

Fav 7 5261 1402
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.

Fav 36 7516 1307
share tweet
(916): View more from California

He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics

Fav 29 3371 3977
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

Fav 11 1536 5441
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

Fav 23 6248 1323
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

Fav 28 5484 1508
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

Fav 38 2948 6671
share tweet
(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

Fav 27 1570 8034
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

Fav 36 16874 1735
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

Fav 65 17353 1778
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61933 8168
share tweet