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We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Houston, we have a blender
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There's always time for handjobs
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
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