Texts From Last Night

twodou's Favorites Texts:

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  (760): View more from California

  My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town

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  (760): My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town http://tfl.nu/5sn6
  Replies (0) Good night (830) Bad night (128) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

  (1-903): View more from Texas

  Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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  (903): Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night. (1-903): Dude I've been in FL since Monday. http://tfl.nu/crr9
  Replies (3) Good night (1954) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You are a terrible person.

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I just try to be optimistic...

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  (763): I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless. (651): You are a terrible person. (763): I just try to be optimistic... http://tfl.nu/01d9
  Replies (5) Good night (1051) Bad night (248)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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  (860): MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!! (860): I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo http://tfl.nu/vjys
  Replies (13) Good night (8184) Bad night (793)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.

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  (307): We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying. http://tfl.nu/19ej
  Replies (2) Good night (1263) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Basically.

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  (918): Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god. (1-918): Basically. http://tfl.nu/nlil
  Replies (8) Good night (2589) Bad night (253)
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  (310): View more from California

  I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.

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  (310): I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you. http://tfl.nu/hk53
  Replies (5) Good night (895) Bad night (293) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.

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  (315): Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised. http://tfl.nu/8j6k
  Replies (3) Good night (626) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

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  (574): I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed. http://tfl.nu/w2ei
  Replies (7) Good night (1488) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.

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  (720): I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/gexm
  Replies (5) Good night (389) Bad night (1262)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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  (309): new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey. http://tfl.nu/5gwc
  Replies (4) Good night (1783) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

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  (914): true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS" http://tfl.nu/3w8r
  Replies (14) Good night (1153) Bad night (268) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.

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  (773): I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in. http://tfl.nu/6fvt
  Replies (8) Good night (1496) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying

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  (774): Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin (774): He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying http://tfl.nu/waxr
  Replies (3) Good night (1860) Bad night (412)
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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  (931): his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood http://tfl.nu/n403
  Replies (20) Good night (3743) Bad night (884) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.

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  (502): I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap. http://tfl.nu/9a2a
  Replies (25) Good night (4329) Bad night (1405) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me

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  (970): Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me http://tfl.nu/7cqx
  Replies (5) Good night (2298) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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  (705): i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding. http://tfl.nu/t3vj
  Replies (6) Good night (5272) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

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  (703): No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off. http://tfl.nu/2s4x
  Replies (10) Good night (6579) Bad night (802)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

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  (203): She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level. http://tfl.nu/viu0
  Replies (15) Good night (5066) Bad night (812)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.

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  (832): Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think. http://tfl.nu/5pb2
  Replies (9) Good night (1477) Bad night (526)
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  (607): View more from New York

  I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

  (315): View more from New York

  Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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  (607): I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch. http://tfl.nu/yk91
  Replies (16) Good night (4073) Bad night (619)
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  (559): View more from California

  I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.

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  (559): I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives. http://tfl.nu/x41u
  Replies (6) Good night (1665) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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  (+61): Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on. http://tfl.nu/q17g
  Replies (13) Good night (3245) Bad night (726)
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  (415): View more from California

  She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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  (415): She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision. http://tfl.nu/yqhh
  Replies (19) Good night (4971) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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  (715): An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all. http://tfl.nu/7eme
  Replies (12) Good night (3602) Bad night (593)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
  Replies (26) Good night (3755) Bad night (634)
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  (560): View more from

  I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

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  (560): I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time? http://tfl.nu/wzlt
  Replies (71) Good night (1052) Bad night (21327) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

  (623): View more from Arizona

  You mean Doughnuts?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  ......No :(

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  (602): I just woke up to me licking the dognuts (623): You mean Doughnuts? (602): ......No :( http://tfl.nu/8azm
  Replies (50) Good night (1176) Bad night (17174)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
  Replies (47) Good night (47537) Bad night (2091) Order T-Shirt
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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  (606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls. http://tfl.nu/ni37
  Replies (17) Good night (5414) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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  (407): I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom. http://tfl.nu/s7cn
  Replies (29) Good night (3521) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

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  (319): We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world. http://tfl.nu/rh6u
  Replies (12) Good night (2646) Bad night (1414)
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  (310): View more from California

  I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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  (310): I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you. http://tfl.nu/ohi7
  Replies (39) Good night (674) Bad night (975) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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  (254): our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day http://tfl.nu/vjaj
  Replies (25) Good night (1533) Bad night (5426) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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  (303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q
  Replies (41) Good night (11574) Bad night (1887) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

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  (714): Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww http://tfl.nu/e98y
  Replies (13) Good night (3688) Bad night (1113) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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  (303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England http://tfl.nu/wgnu
  Replies (63) Good night (16547) Bad night (944) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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  (401): OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever. http://tfl.nu/cy9z
  Replies (195) Good night (10543) Bad night (868) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse

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  (781): Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse http://tfl.nu/l7qs
  Replies (46) Good night (806) Bad night (7465) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.

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  (914): Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts. http://tfl.nu/g5ed
  Replies (9) Good night (4022) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (104) Good night (38287) Bad night (1723)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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  (781): Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning. (1-781): I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon. http://tfl.nu/wxu1
  Replies (19) Good night (5930) Bad night (502)
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  (661): View more from California

  What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife

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  (661): What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife http://tfl.nu/wigu
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
  Replies (25) Good night (10952) Bad night (785)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

  (1-301): View more from Maryland

  Soulmates.

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  (301): He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?" (1-301): Soulmates. http://tfl.nu/8tiz
  Replies (28) Good night (4188) Bad night (1159) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.

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  (702): Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out. (1-702): Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh. http://tfl.nu/n3th
  Replies (12) Good night (1730) Bad night (880)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.

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  (506): Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea. http://tfl.nu/9li0
  Replies (8) Good night (2401) Bad night (1123) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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  (401): We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other http://tfl.nu/z80n
  Replies (14) Good night (1605) Bad night (4088) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".

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  (917): My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva". http://tfl.nu/2q86
  Replies (25) Good night (4678) Bad night (1705) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.

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  (214): As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight. http://tfl.nu/njgf
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home

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  (919): Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home http://tfl.nu/42nr
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  (716): View more from New York

  People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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  (716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz http://tfl.nu/sutg
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".

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  (201): My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince". http://tfl.nu/a6t0
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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  (207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight http://tfl.nu/6sqo
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  didn't feel it. :)

  (217): View more from Illinois

  It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  wait what? so it's not in america?

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  (217): Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning (1-217): didn't feel it. :) (217): It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't. (1-217): wait what? so it's not in america? http://tfl.nu/0q24
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us

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  (508): well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us http://tfl.nu/w698
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.

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  (419): I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf. http://tfl.nu/4l78
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

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  (352): I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas. http://tfl.nu/mxts
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?

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  (403): I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing? http://tfl.nu/frkv
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  (631): View more from New York

  OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET

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  (631): OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET http://tfl.nu/az0w
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  (805): View more from California

  Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

  (1-805): View more from California

  Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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  (805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with? (1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info. http://tfl.nu/n3dd
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.

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  (317): He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. http://tfl.nu/b8h5
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

  (812): View more from Indiana

  You're dead to me.

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  (317): Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up? (812): You're dead to me. http://tfl.nu/331c
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

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  (815): Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/6hnz
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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  (339): i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet http://tfl.nu/r3gc
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  (972): View more from Texas

  i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

  (817): View more from Texas

  Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

  (972): View more from Texas

  ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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  (972): i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating. (817): Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away. (972): ur like the dr phil of bizarro world. http://tfl.nu/uybr
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  are you high?

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  (402): what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers (1-402): are you high? http://tfl.nu/fjf1
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  im sorry, i don't get text messages.

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  (225): you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!? (504): im sorry, i don't get text messages. http://tfl.nu/s0zg
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.

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  (847): the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker. http://tfl.nu/4drl
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.

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  (608): you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude. http://tfl.nu/1uv4
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.

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  (405): He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk. http://tfl.nu/iths
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

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  (717): I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class http://tfl.nu/9lx5
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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  (313): I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures. http://tfl.nu/7qyy
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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  (508): Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic" http://tfl.nu/1wpy
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore

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  (412): If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore http://tfl.nu/feot
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

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  (908): i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits" http://tfl.nu/grvc
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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  (817): Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch... http://tfl.nu/5oqr
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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  (303): dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered. http://tfl.nu/j70b
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"

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  (210): I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV" http://tfl.nu/w3he
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  (650): View more from California

  they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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  (650): they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids. http://tfl.nu/zjz8
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too

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  (816): you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too http://tfl.nu/2c4t
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..

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  (732): just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german.. http://tfl.nu/y195
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  um, yeah. i think it is.

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  (252): is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"? (513): um, yeah. i think it is. http://tfl.nu/omaw
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  (+44): View more from England

  mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

  (+44): View more from England

  "and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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  (+44): mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes. (+44): "and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'" http://tfl.nu/aeg7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (347): View more from New York

  sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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  (347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io
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  (916): View more from California

  my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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  (916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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  (321): Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance. http://tfl.nu/ue6b
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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  (610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf
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  (512): View more from Texas

  you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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  (512): you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried http://tfl.nu/gu6n
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  (+33): View more from France

  On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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  (+33): On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..." http://tfl.nu/o65f
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I love you

  (720): View more from Colorado

  are you drunk

  (440): View more from Ohio

  yes but I def love you, we should get married

  (720): View more from Colorado

  But I'm Jewish

  (440): View more from Ohio

  embrace Jesus

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  (440): I love you (720): are you drunk (440): yes but I def love you, we should get married (720): But I'm Jewish (440): embrace Jesus http://tfl.nu/v32c
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?

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  (703): is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon? http://tfl.nu/fld0
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
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  (914): View more from New York

  There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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  (914): There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone http://tfl.nu/hyr8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

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  (815): yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything http://tfl.nu/8gpe
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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  (609): i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/thtn
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"

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  (508): You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper" http://tfl.nu/17it
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

  (703): View more from Virginia

  this can't be going anywhere good

  (571): View more from Virginia

  nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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  (571): Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah.. (703): this can't be going anywhere good (571): nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\ http://tfl.nu/4i13
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?

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  (412): Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option? (412): I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be? http://tfl.nu/cvc8
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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  (513): I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen. http://tfl.nu/9jnz
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  (650): View more from California

  I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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  (650): I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats. http://tfl.nu/rm40
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.

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  (920): My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas. http://tfl.nu/6lzb
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  obviously you're part succubus.

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  (609): Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf? (201): obviously you're part succubus. http://tfl.nu/sqeb
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

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  (817): he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet... http://tfl.nu/na2h
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  (858): View more from California

  You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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  (858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat. http://tfl.nu/yzbr
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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  (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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  (724): I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move... (412): Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am. http://tfl.nu/4pbg
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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  (978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
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  (585): View more from New York

  I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...

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  (585): I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party... http://tfl.nu/k1nk
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things

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  (706): She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things http://tfl.nu/lrvj
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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  (817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.

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  (608): If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome. http://tfl.nu/khdb
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  (562): View more from California

  The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!

  (916): View more from California

  Awkward!

  (562): View more from California

  No he was cute and I said yes!

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  (562): The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date! (916): Awkward! (562): No he was cute and I said yes! http://tfl.nu/pzog
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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  (506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"

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  (402): They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman" http://tfl.nu/zber
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.

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  (502): She never called back. Financed a fleshlight. http://tfl.nu/uvos
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?

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  (937): was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"? http://tfl.nu/gea9
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.

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  (419): Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them. http://tfl.nu/vhc8
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

  (719): View more from Colorado

  she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  are you serious?

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  (414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it. (719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her. (414): are you serious? http://tfl.nu/esul
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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  (832): So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party. http://tfl.nu/a5ld
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.

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  (812): Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete. http://tfl.nu/9awl
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  (646): View more from New York

  A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"

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  (646): A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!" http://tfl.nu/psh2
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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  (603): You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing. http://tfl.nu/vk7w
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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  (303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq
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  (360): View more from Washington

  would you consider him our boss?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  technically yes

  (360): View more from Washington

  then technically i slept with our boss

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  (360): would you consider him our boss? (503): technically yes (360): then technically i slept with our boss http://tfl.nu/5m3t
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
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  (415): View more from California

  He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.

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  (415): He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal. http://tfl.nu/3jar
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  (516): View more from New York

  Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  True life - we need to smoke together more often

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  (516): Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters. (1-516): True life - we need to smoke together more often http://tfl.nu/s2bm
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (510): View more from California

  ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!

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  (510): ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE! http://tfl.nu/j6yk
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

  (949): View more from California

  she's my drunk super hero.

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  (219): you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds. (949): she's my drunk super hero. http://tfl.nu/ngha
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  (713): View more from Texas

  when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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  (713): when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed http://tfl.nu/1ijl
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  (407): View more from Florida

  So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.

  (352): View more from Florida

  WHAT?!

  (407): View more from Florida

  He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.

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  (407): So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch. (352): WHAT?! (407): He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking. http://tfl.nu/9qqv
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.

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  (410): you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now. http://tfl.nu/1nlv
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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  (229): You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru http://tfl.nu/iwra
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.

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  (817): Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again. http://tfl.nu/k3cq
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you still have morals?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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  (443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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  (208): My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him. http://tfl.nu/oqtn
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list

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  (502): i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list http://tfl.nu/o9vo
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.

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  (208): i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy. http://tfl.nu/3jyj
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book

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  (813): Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book http://tfl.nu/eyxq
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh

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  (330): I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh http://tfl.nu/7tof
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them

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  (269): I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them http://tfl.nu/yhv5
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  What will that accomplish?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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  (602): We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. (480): What will that accomplish? (602): It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. http://tfl.nu/n4ns
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out

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  (732): feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out http://tfl.nu/y0cc
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  (727): View more from Florida

  a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know

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  (727): a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know http://tfl.nu/finx
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??

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  (416): is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered?? http://tfl.nu/9big
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  (925): View more from California

  This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class

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  (925): This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class http://tfl.nu/1wvn
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

  (540): View more from Virginia

  awesome babe! drinks tonight!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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  (703): Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :) (540): awesome babe! drinks tonight! (703): Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck. http://tfl.nu/zccd
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.

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  (907): everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort. http://tfl.nu/2zhz
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  (801): View more from Utah

  that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

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  (801): that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow http://tfl.nu/5dzd
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...

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  (603): Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words... http://tfl.nu/0249
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.

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  (503): Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve. http://tfl.nu/pov9
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

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  (804): also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite. http://tfl.nu/xds7
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  (805): View more from California

  My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes

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  (805): My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes http://tfl.nu/ouc0
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

  (847): View more from Illinois

  And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

  (319): View more from Iowa

  At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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  (319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes (847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me. (319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements. http://tfl.nu/k3x0
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.

  (407): View more from Florida

  Its part of my fall instant classic line.

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  (515): I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot. (407): Its part of my fall instant classic line. http://tfl.nu/v43i
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  (801): View more from Utah

  so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

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  (801): so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!" http://tfl.nu/yefk
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  (786): View more from Florida

  I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.

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  (786): I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying. http://tfl.nu/xg19
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  (325): View more from Texas

  When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous

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  (325): When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous http://tfl.nu/im9q
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  (817): View more from Texas

  All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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  (817): All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning http://tfl.nu/qcnv
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number

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  (512): Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not! (1-512): well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number http://tfl.nu/3fc4
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  (904): View more from Florida

  it glows. i had to have it.

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  (904): it glows. i had to have it. http://tfl.nu/ygwq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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  (512): someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP http://tfl.nu/kebb
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.

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  (704): Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends (704): Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/v731
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

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  (252): I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME. http://tfl.nu/1mf6
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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  (706): He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times http://tfl.nu/wnel
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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  (248): my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you' http://tfl.nu/ael6
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  well, dont

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

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  (720): So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face. (970): well, dont (720): I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it. http://tfl.nu/lbqb
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  (972): View more from Texas

  They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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  (972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

  (587): View more from Alberta

  She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

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  (587): His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl? (780): You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus? (587): She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass. http://tfl.nu/i4m5
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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  (410): In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!" http://tfl.nu/p213
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  (813): View more from Florida

  The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.

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  (813): The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp. http://tfl.nu/6snw
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  This is why we're friends.

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  (780): If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator. (1-780): This is why we're friends. http://tfl.nu/yp3s
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife

  (404): View more from Georgia

  i mean you met him at the daytona 500

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  (678): found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife (404): i mean you met him at the daytona 500 http://tfl.nu/ydp4
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies

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  (609): not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies http://tfl.nu/jxw6
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  (949): View more from California

  so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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  (949): so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later" http://tfl.nu/dpva
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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  (610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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  (215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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  (317): my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive http://tfl.nu/067t
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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  (404): You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense. http://tfl.nu/zmp3
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.

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  (403): just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong. http://tfl.nu/sr7f
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  How did the beer even get there in the first place?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  That's not what's important right now

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  (734): Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina? (1-734): How did the beer even get there in the first place? (734): That's not what's important right now http://tfl.nu/17l2
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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  (203): I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night http://tfl.nu/hkfs
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  nope, you were tallying rejections at the party

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  (313): hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots? (734): nope, you were tallying rejections at the party http://tfl.nu/c1is
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  (407): View more from Florida

  At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!

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  (407): At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick! http://tfl.nu/dynw
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  (760): View more from California

  She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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  (760): She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/eh4f
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  (805): View more from California

  An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

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  (805): An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice. http://tfl.nu/s7hm
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.

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  (865): And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly. http://tfl.nu/a3gz
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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  (978): ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm? http://tfl.nu/7m7e
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

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  (423): he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft. http://tfl.nu/x178
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.

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  (847): Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called. http://tfl.nu/lgas
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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  (913): You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy http://tfl.nu/fi9p
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  (562): View more from California

  In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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  (562): In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for... http://tfl.nu/hz7t
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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  (480): my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion http://tfl.nu/golc
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  just do him I won't tell jon

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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  (269): just do him I won't tell jon (1-269): um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore http://tfl.nu/l9xs
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.

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  (810): I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself. http://tfl.nu/iwxe
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?

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  (703): My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall? http://tfl.nu/yddz
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
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  (626): View more from California

  i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.

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  (626): i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner. http://tfl.nu/vo3h
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  this is a time for prayers...seriously

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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  (973): this is a time for prayers...seriously (1-973): let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen. http://tfl.nu/ovsa
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.

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  (502): I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time. http://tfl.nu/ujel
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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  (404): He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on." http://tfl.nu/t6j5
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (713): View more from Texas

  He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

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  (713): He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop. http://tfl.nu/xdpv
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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  (216): 6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever. http://tfl.nu/zd97
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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  (609): You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke. http://tfl.nu/1rx3
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  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

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  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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  (361): Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one? http://tfl.nu/k16y
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.

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  (609): i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying. http://tfl.nu/89ja
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  (727): View more from Florida

  We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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  (727): We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno http://tfl.nu/ajny
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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  (601): Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her? http://tfl.nu/n019
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  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

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  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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  (757): she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them... http://tfl.nu/ior4
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  (909): View more from California

  She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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  (909): She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle. http://tfl.nu/v9v9
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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  (432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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  (641): she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"... http://tfl.nu/ydyy
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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  (204): Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments http://tfl.nu/8aia
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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  (773): literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in http://tfl.nu/d9qi
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