Texts From Last Night · rehabis4quitters's Favorites

rehabis4quitters's Favorites Texts:

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(804): View more from Virginia

I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(515): View more from Iowa

Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(206): View more from Washington

Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar

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(307): View more from Wyoming

If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(785): View more from Kansas

coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow

(1-785): View more from Kansas

why would you restrict a girl of that

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(217): View more from Illinois

it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.

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(949): View more from California

he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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(310): View more from California

We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

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(253): View more from Washington

I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look

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(713): View more from Texas

It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog

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(703): View more from Virginia

the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(248): View more from Michigan

whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(207): View more from Maine

well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(404): View more from Georgia

She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(520): View more from Arizona

woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes

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(478): View more from Georgia

This is not my ceiling

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(847): View more from Illinois

this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

whatever it's not my family

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(602): View more from Arizona

Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?

(602): View more from Arizona

no jk, not my room

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(555): View more from

After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(347): View more from New York

He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.

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(510): View more from California

Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

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(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(716): View more from New York

Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.

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(636): View more from Missouri

She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.

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(260): View more from Indiana

THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL

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(682): View more from Texas

I plan on gettn treatment center drunk

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(216): View more from Ohio

Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.

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(914): View more from New York

I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later

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(443): View more from Maryland

we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

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(409): View more from Texas

I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season

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(480): View more from Arizona

You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"

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(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

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(760): View more from California

my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night

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(+45): View more from Denmark

You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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(631): View more from New York

I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

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(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(716): View more from New York

i think that dennys waitress has my boxers

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.

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(517): View more from Michigan

She just said, "are my livers going to die?"

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears

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(281): View more from Texas

and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.

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(325): View more from Texas

Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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(915): View more from Texas

Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?

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(916): View more from California

WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(816): View more from Missouri

... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

(314): View more from Missouri

I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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(727): View more from Florida

whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(309): View more from Illinois

with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dave a horae rider a coqw boy

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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(818): View more from California

He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(562): View more from California

Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(216): View more from Ohio

I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!

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(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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(303): View more from Colorado

Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.

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(714): View more from California

that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.

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(541): View more from Oregon

you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

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(906): View more from Michigan

he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor

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(208): View more from Idaho

They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(205): View more from Alabama

he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.

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(801): View more from Utah

I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(636): View more from Missouri

i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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(804): View more from Virginia

They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.

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(716): View more from New York

come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

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(513): View more from Ohio

I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(850): View more from Florida

she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(631): View more from New York

She told me I should be a condom model.

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(416): View more from Toronto

drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"

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(773): View more from Illinois

She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

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(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.

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(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(360): View more from Washington

And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(713): View more from Texas

We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night

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(614): View more from Ohio

Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

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(904): View more from Florida

naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(404): View more from Georgia

We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(916): View more from California

No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(248): View more from Michigan

If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(513): View more from Ohio

thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

(440): View more from Ohio

its only a rough draft.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(281): View more from Texas

I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.

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(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(630): View more from Illinois

We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(206): View more from Washington

That's why there are breakfast margaritas.

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(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(317): View more from Indiana

update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.

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(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(585): View more from New York

just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(513): View more from Ohio

The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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(540): View more from Virginia

Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there

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(609): View more from New Jersey

they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(716): View more from New York

I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(917): View more from New York City

well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(850): View more from Florida

i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(949): View more from California

you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

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(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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