Texts From Last Night

hybridedge1's Favorites Texts:

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  (303): View more from Colorado

  theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away

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  (303): theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away http://tfl.nu/plhs
  Replies (8) Good night (536) Bad night (2039) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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  (724): I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported. http://tfl.nu/ojxl
  Replies (15) Good night (3850) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
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  (747): View more from California

  by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.

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  (747): by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party. http://tfl.nu/9v1z
  Replies (7) Good night (1901) Bad night (507)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?

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  (541): the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel? http://tfl.nu/ufnb
  Replies (7) Good night (1376) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.

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  (256): I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train. http://tfl.nu/pxln
  Replies (17) Good night (2233) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right

  (631): View more from New York

  Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15

  (585): View more from New York

  hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos

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  (585): Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right (631): Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15 (585): hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos http://tfl.nu/8bsi
  Replies (8) Good night (2078) Bad night (460)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Who are you high with right now?

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  (513): chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it. (513): Who are you high with right now? http://tfl.nu/0n4i
  Replies (11) Good night (1943) Bad night (519)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  no drinking for a week

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

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  (512): no drinking for a week (1-512): if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes http://tfl.nu/kuw5
  Replies (4) Good night (2564) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  She wants to have naked weekends

  (541): View more from Oregon

  They call that free range vagina in France

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  (503): She wants to have naked weekends (541): They call that free range vagina in France http://tfl.nu/sou7
  Replies (9) Good night (2593) Bad night (523)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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  (902): Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years. (1-902): Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies http://tfl.nu/48gx
  Replies (11) Good night (4033) Bad night (644) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.

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  (508): Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated. http://tfl.nu/0bri
  Replies (18) Good night (4178) Bad night (637)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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  (509): Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom http://tfl.nu/fom9
  Replies (18) Good night (3190) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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  (814): I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos. http://tfl.nu/dk8h
  Replies (12) Good night (2649) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.

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  (248): What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy. http://tfl.nu/0mlh
  Replies (14) Good night (2219) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?

  (810): View more from Michigan

  shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you

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  (907): I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone? (810): shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you http://tfl.nu/u0b0
  Replies (13) Good night (2256) Bad night (604)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

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  (757): sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk http://tfl.nu/2uta
  Replies (9) Good night (2177) Bad night (1160) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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  (914): He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon. http://tfl.nu/hf2o
  Replies (20) Good night (3268) Bad night (512)
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  (925): View more from California

  Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

  (1-925): View more from California

  Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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  (925): Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night? (1-925): Come on man nobody wants to admit that http://tfl.nu/8oz0
  Replies (7) Good night (2876) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew

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  (585): Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew http://tfl.nu/mfmq
  Replies (8) Good night (3574) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  So. She dumped me today.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".

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  (206): So. She dumped me today. (425): Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving". http://tfl.nu/4be4
  Replies (12) Good night (1097) Bad night (3286)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial

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  (845): Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial http://tfl.nu/xnww
  Replies (3) Good night (1421) Bad night (1148) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

  (1-757): View more from Virginia

  I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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  (757): Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse. (1-757): I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic? http://tfl.nu/c2pk
  Replies (9) Good night (3017) Bad night (585)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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  (313): I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges. (1-313): Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss. http://tfl.nu/0qrk
  Replies (4) Good night (3141) Bad night (615)
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  (510): View more from California

  It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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  (510): It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him. http://tfl.nu/gszx
  Replies (4) Good night (2950) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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  (603): she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off http://tfl.nu/ws61
  Replies (7) Good night (4973) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.

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  (705): in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out. http://tfl.nu/um8l
  Replies (5) Good night (1810) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.

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  (913): My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/e4gb
  Replies (8) Good night (1779) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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  (248): The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children http://tfl.nu/7xpu
  Replies (6) Good night (4232) Bad night (661)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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  (610): The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom. (484): I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you. http://tfl.nu/hypz
  Replies (7) Good night (4448) Bad night (731)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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  (+44): you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing http://tfl.nu/zvza
  Replies (10) Good night (4058) Bad night (1342) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.

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  (541): Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused. http://tfl.nu/dae0
  Replies (9) Good night (1795) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.

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  (918): like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness. http://tfl.nu/c3xi
  Replies (7) Good night (1264) Bad night (660)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.

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  (717): Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake. http://tfl.nu/07i4
  Replies (14) Good night (1575) Bad night (2424) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.

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  (708): Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail. http://tfl.nu/vicx
  Replies (6) Good night (2459) Bad night (879) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back

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  (845): No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back http://tfl.nu/c7vm
  Replies (5) Good night (2045) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered

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  (406): My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered http://tfl.nu/5zea
  Replies (6) Good night (2883) Bad night (480)
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  (213): View more from California

  Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.

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  (213): Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics. http://tfl.nu/j3g0
  Replies (5) Good night (1691) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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  (414): in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself. http://tfl.nu/j69f
  Replies (5) Good night (3796) Bad night (1485)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.

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  (513): 4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of. http://tfl.nu/69sj
  Replies (11) Good night (2673) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

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  (256): Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August. (662): Dude, how the hell did you become an RA? http://tfl.nu/0n3i
  Replies (6) Good night (3904) Bad night (791)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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  (850): that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick http://tfl.nu/ww0j
  Replies (11) Good night (3775) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dangr zzzzzzzzone

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  (610): Dangr zzzzzzzzone http://tfl.nu/qvjb
  Replies (8) Good night (1897) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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  (647): I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. http://tfl.nu/kla9
  Replies (3) Good night (1612) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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  (530): I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting" http://tfl.nu/k1xw
  Replies (7) Good night (1911) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.

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  (202): My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about. (202): Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ. http://tfl.nu/wtju
  Replies (6) Good night (2964) Bad night (751)
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  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

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  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
  Replies (19) Good night (4904) Bad night (1150) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.

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  (403): Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed. http://tfl.nu/yrbs
  Replies (7) Good night (817) Bad night (1423) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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  (905): Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious" http://tfl.nu/f3vn
  Replies (4) Good night (2797) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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  (314): At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving? http://tfl.nu/o7j4
  Replies (10) Good night (4210) Bad night (773) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

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  (412): Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve http://tfl.nu/y29u
  Replies (11) Good night (3021) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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  (631): Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel. http://tfl.nu/lrsp
  Replies (17) Good night (4248) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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  (706): Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note http://tfl.nu/2uyq
  Replies (5) Good night (4102) Bad night (700)
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  (949): View more from California

  In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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  (949): In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor. http://tfl.nu/vpx7
  Replies (33) Good night (6182) Bad night (1982)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
  Replies (27) Good night (10019) Bad night (766)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  Hello cirrhosis

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  (210): Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute (1-210): Hello cirrhosis http://tfl.nu/bpcm
  Replies (11) Good night (1102) Bad night (1698) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.

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  (717): I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees. http://tfl.nu/sibe
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.

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  (703): Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done. http://tfl.nu/tk11
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.

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  (303): Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize. http://tfl.nu/r92i
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game

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  (775): Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game http://tfl.nu/pqd8
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  "bouncy castle"

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  (919): what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl" (1-919): "bouncy castle" http://tfl.nu/3vde
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.

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  (903): Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high. http://tfl.nu/bi94
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  (607): View more from New York

  I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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  (607): I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson. http://tfl.nu/gvkr
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.

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  (734): I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now. http://tfl.nu/ty03
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.

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  (860): Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it. http://tfl.nu/t1oh
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  (425): View more from Washington

  She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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  (425): She's clinging to me like a horny koala. http://tfl.nu/a9hq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.

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  (617): Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex. http://tfl.nu/9jjl
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  (207): View more from Maine

  this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!

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  (207): this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go! http://tfl.nu/gugi
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

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  (940): Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd http://tfl.nu/3aq9
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.

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  (+61): I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision. http://tfl.nu/5ber
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

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  (901): No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism http://tfl.nu/00o3
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  (707): View more from California

  I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

  (1-707): View more from California

  is that even a sentence?

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  (707): I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina. (1-707): is that even a sentence? http://tfl.nu/j6fd
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  (516): View more from New York

  It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

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  (516): It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night. http://tfl.nu/9z84
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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  (502): dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk. http://tfl.nu/y7ij
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho

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  (314): Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho http://tfl.nu/t3tj
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

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  (720): You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer. http://tfl.nu/ndy8
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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  (708): sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed http://tfl.nu/38z7
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  (407): View more from Florida

  you definitely have a few illegitimate kids

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine

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  (407): you definitely have a few illegitimate kids (1-407): probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine http://tfl.nu/6feu
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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  (856): 12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong. (856): Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits http://tfl.nu/ncaq
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  (347): View more from New York

  his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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  (347): his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you. http://tfl.nu/crxb
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

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  (910): Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside http://tfl.nu/la7o
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

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  (248): Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby. (248): There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction. http://tfl.nu/82qp
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  (512): View more from Texas

  all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me

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  (512): all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me http://tfl.nu/xqib
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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  (810): It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team. http://tfl.nu/1zge
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

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  (970): But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips. http://tfl.nu/821r
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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  (973): He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird. http://tfl.nu/n9dq
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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  (727): and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos http://tfl.nu/qrbd
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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  (715): Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam. http://tfl.nu/fk8j
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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  (907): He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron. http://tfl.nu/g77l
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.

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  (312): Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture. http://tfl.nu/p8k2
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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  (602): I demand visitation hours with the duck. http://tfl.nu/cyd2
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?

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  (316): Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage? http://tfl.nu/r2cg
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.

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  (775): THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL. http://tfl.nu/wgt5
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

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  (586): Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now. http://tfl.nu/hw0c
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.

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  (803): I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway. http://tfl.nu/iohv
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."

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  (440): Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole." http://tfl.nu/4d9m
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

  (801): View more from Utah

  alright see you in the morning.

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  (801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house. (1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen. (801): alright see you in the morning. http://tfl.nu/gnes
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.

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  (515): i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move. http://tfl.nu/cgsd
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Your godly.

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  (403): Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation. (1-403): Your godly. http://tfl.nu/7li2
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  (716): View more from New York

  right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable

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  (716): right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable http://tfl.nu/dvma
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  (949): View more from California

  you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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  (949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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  (480): Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan. http://tfl.nu/ryui
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  (559): View more from California

  Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

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  (559): Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out. http://tfl.nu/isge
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart

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  (502): We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart http://tfl.nu/qvlm
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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  (281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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  (919): All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on. http://tfl.nu/8snd
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I get to be your mom.

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  (847): Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth? (312): I get to be your mom. http://tfl.nu/nmh7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
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  (914): View more from New York

  hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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  (914): hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early http://tfl.nu/k8sh
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  (818): View more from California

  I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

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  (818): I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project http://tfl.nu/g4w5
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

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  (302): I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays. http://tfl.nu/ol44
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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  (217): I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos. http://tfl.nu/dg53
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon

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  (334): I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon http://tfl.nu/p3qx
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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  (541): No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed. http://tfl.nu/54wn
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  (818): View more from California

  I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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  (818): I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. http://tfl.nu/bkr9
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.

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  (541): You don't need id to drink rum in an alley. http://tfl.nu/aqpy
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won

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  (262): Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won http://tfl.nu/cdx8
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

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  (708): I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard http://tfl.nu/i4gj
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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  (828): then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge http://tfl.nu/hh8c
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.

  (1-443): View more from Maryland

  Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.

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  (443): Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain. (1-443): Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one. http://tfl.nu/00ky
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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  (413): They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket. http://tfl.nu/y613
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  (61): View more from Australia

  Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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  (61): Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed http://tfl.nu/qr9l
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.

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  (724): If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground. (724): Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday. http://tfl.nu/bc8e
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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  (248): She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot. http://tfl.nu/w0w1
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  (718): View more from New York

  you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.

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  (718): you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke. http://tfl.nu/vku6
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  (727): View more from Florida

  There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"

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  (727): There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000" http://tfl.nu/9a0a
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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  (617): She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me http://tfl.nu/lf37
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom

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  (978): Why are you at a bar in Connecticut? (617): Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom http://tfl.nu/akoi
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  oh. my. god. yes.

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  (360): i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life. (1-360): oh. my. god. yes. http://tfl.nu/jrnd
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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  (403): Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it. http://tfl.nu/6k4w
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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  (309): We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.' http://tfl.nu/2fkm
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

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  (440): I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating http://tfl.nu/7lhs
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  All I've ever wanted to do in life is right

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

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  (313): All I've ever wanted to do in life is right (517): Maybe you should learn how to spell write first http://tfl.nu/4u4l
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

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  (870): I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership. http://tfl.nu/f8ej
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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  (703): just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking. http://tfl.nu/uhxv
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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  (954): Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish. http://tfl.nu/zg18
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  (916): View more from California

  So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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  (916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off? http://tfl.nu/zq3l
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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  (508): I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation? http://tfl.nu/jmz5
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  (925): View more from California

  we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

  (707): View more from California

  dude you teach first grade wtf

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  (925): we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself (707): dude you teach first grade wtf http://tfl.nu/gqyp
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.

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  (513): She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before. http://tfl.nu/zkf3
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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  (917): I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus. http://tfl.nu/e2af
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  (646): View more from New York

  Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

  (1-646): View more from New York

  what. the. fuck.

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  (646): Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now. (1-646): what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/rzew
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close

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  (917): I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close http://tfl.nu/ibae
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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  (727): Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America. http://tfl.nu/b8jy
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  quadriplegic porn is always funny

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  no. no its not

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  (417): quadriplegic porn is always funny (832): no. no its not http://tfl.nu/0tdp
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  This is not my ceiling

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  (478): This is not my ceiling http://tfl.nu/p46e
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

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  (617): Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin http://tfl.nu/g5qp
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool

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  (304): this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool http://tfl.nu/dl9i
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  coke and sex party at dan's

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  im watching greys anatomy with megan...

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  wha-pishhh

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  (973): coke and sex party at dan's (201): im watching greys anatomy with megan... (973): wha-pishhh http://tfl.nu/auvy
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  you guys were way drunker than both of me

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  (612): you guys were way drunker than both of me http://tfl.nu/x140
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  (949): View more from California

  she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

  (949): View more from California

  little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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  (949): she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket." (949): little did she know i was taping her the whole time. http://tfl.nu/jcur
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?

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  (248): Great. Don't do shady things like that ok? http://tfl.nu/xavr
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

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  (228): There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars http://tfl.nu/ue2i
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I feel like my teeth are sweating.

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  (970): I feel like my teeth are sweating. http://tfl.nu/98tq
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Drunk walkin through police station. America

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  (406): Drunk walkin through police station. America http://tfl.nu/cieu
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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  (780): The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height http://tfl.nu/mxot
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  (925): View more from California

  He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.

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  (925): He's on drugs...like drugs for horses. http://tfl.nu/witw
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  (925): View more from California

  Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?

  (1-925): View more from California

  Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through

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  (925): Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen? (1-925): Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through http://tfl.nu/7r4x
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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  (404): There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase http://tfl.nu/jdu6
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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  (201): i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby. http://tfl.nu/udcn
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."

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  (330): Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy." http://tfl.nu/8mx4
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm starting a business if you want to get involved

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  oh boy

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings

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  (781): I'm starting a business if you want to get involved (1-781): oh boy (781): Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings http://tfl.nu/e1eb
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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  (425): i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house http://tfl.nu/3ff4
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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  (860): I smell like Captain Morgan and tears http://tfl.nu/pqes
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

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  (425): Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars. http://tfl.nu/v0mr
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.

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  (410): I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think. http://tfl.nu/cvjv
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  (925): View more from California

  She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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  (925): She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard. http://tfl.nu/tszy
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal

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  (816): You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal http://tfl.nu/06xx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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  (508): Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one. http://tfl.nu/qdhb
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  (210): View more from Texas

  By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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  (210): By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE http://tfl.nu/98pz
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She acts like you when your on meds

  (510): View more from California

  She acts like batman?

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  (616): She acts like you when your on meds (510): She acts like batman? http://tfl.nu/zvs9
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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  (480): Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night. http://tfl.nu/uc8g
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.

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  (401): They should make Glad Forceflex condoms. http://tfl.nu/qnot
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.

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  (402): So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me. (1-402): Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it? (402): Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point. http://tfl.nu/yxzg
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Five things that make you perfect. Go.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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  (918): Five things that make you perfect. Go. (1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/ni7m
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more

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  (919): Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more http://tfl.nu/wtn6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

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  (314): just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college http://tfl.nu/eu7q
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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  (307): burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef http://tfl.nu/mi4v
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  (559): View more from California

  So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

  (1-559): View more from California

  That depends on who this is.

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  (559): So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true? (1-559): That depends on who this is. http://tfl.nu/a6jm
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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  (231): I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon. http://tfl.nu/pf2r
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom

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  (630): She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom http://tfl.nu/xz6e
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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  (320): A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears. http://tfl.nu/pw7m
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  hot girl, 5 o clock

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  do you know how to read a clock?

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  (630): hot girl, 5 o clock (1-630): do you know how to read a clock? http://tfl.nu/x1wt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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  (803): He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b http://tfl.nu/qxl5
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  (818): View more from California

  You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.

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  (818): You can't hide fat with big sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/r8gr
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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  (+44): She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name http://tfl.nu/1k1s
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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  (919): The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day. http://tfl.nu/2twt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  put a dollar in it?

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  (319): umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do (1-319): put a dollar in it? http://tfl.nu/6gdy
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  (415): View more from California

  She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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  (415): She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver. http://tfl.nu/1xbw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

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  (215): Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town. http://tfl.nu/ozti
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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  (757): It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like http://tfl.nu/masc
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  (904): View more from Florida

  We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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  (904): We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple http://tfl.nu/4e1c
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Whatever it was. it was pregnant.

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  (304): Whatever it was. it was pregnant. http://tfl.nu/utv2
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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  (250): I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown. http://tfl.nu/tv3d
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.

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  (847): Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot. http://tfl.nu/nyh6
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  (760): View more from California

  dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.

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  (760): dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell. http://tfl.nu/ywtf
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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  (906): i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius? http://tfl.nu/ei5s
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  (951): View more from California

  So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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  (951): So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked. http://tfl.nu/qprr
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  toast her oven

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  toast her strudel

  (248): View more from Michigan

  inspect her gadget

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  (248): toast her oven (1-248): toast her strudel (248): inspect her gadget http://tfl.nu/ri0n
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

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  (813): I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life. http://tfl.nu/zrqp
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  (458): View more from Oregon

  Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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  (458): Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh. http://tfl.nu/m88d
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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  (401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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  (260): dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian? (1-260): what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing http://tfl.nu/axih
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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  (517): He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls http://tfl.nu/0ix2
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.

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  (917): My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star. http://tfl.nu/572f
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  (310): View more from California

  If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

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  (310): If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels. http://tfl.nu/zmdk
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Party in the USA is so catchy!

  (863): View more from Florida

  Yea, so is AIDS.

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  (305): Party in the USA is so catchy! (863): Yea, so is AIDS. http://tfl.nu/nzzd
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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  (512): I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila. http://tfl.nu/7qws
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  To a 70 year old lady?!

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  (508): Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face" (774): To a 70 year old lady?! http://tfl.nu/99j2
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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  (405): I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation. http://tfl.nu/os3u
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  how could i say no?

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  (513): wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka? (1-513): how could i say no? http://tfl.nu/1o9r
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

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  (850): Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller? http://tfl.nu/lnof
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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  (330): I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left http://tfl.nu/kqqk
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  (561): View more from Florida

  You drink too much

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

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  (561): You drink too much (1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often. http://tfl.nu/1oor
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (302): I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/y6ds
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.

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  (575): I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte. http://tfl.nu/ceno
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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  (253): Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away. http://tfl.nu/2pvy
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I can't feel my brain.

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  (417): I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison. (417): I can't feel my brain. http://tfl.nu/qap9
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow

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  (404): Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow http://tfl.nu/pzca
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  (626): View more from California

  Dignity is for republicans.

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  (626): Dignity is for republicans. http://tfl.nu/vkse
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  (813): View more from Florida

  i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa

  (404): View more from Georgia

  sure if you go to prison

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  (813): i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa (404): sure if you go to prison http://tfl.nu/yad5
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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  (617): She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her. http://tfl.nu/sdzd
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