Texts From Last Night

bigBADERwolf's Favorites Texts:

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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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  (313): The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two. http://tfl.nu/ya0u
  Replies (31) Good night (6516) Bad night (1041) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

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  (916): and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse http://tfl.nu/0v20
  Replies (12) Good night (4622) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Dude i fell asleep inside of her

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  thats awesome

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  (248): Dude i fell asleep inside of her (1-248): thats awesome http://tfl.nu/98db
  Replies (16) Good night (1605) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me

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  (630): I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me http://tfl.nu/tgvp
  Replies (15) Good night (4927) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?

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  (305): So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even? http://tfl.nu/nzpq
  Replies (52) Good night (12157) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

  (1-818): View more from California

  Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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  (818): Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night. (1-818): Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit. http://tfl.nu/ras5
  Replies (10) Good night (1064) Bad night (7291)
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  (212): View more from New York

  guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

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  (212): guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME http://tfl.nu/dcck
  Replies (5) Good night (1168) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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  (254): I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer... http://tfl.nu/1ty6
  Replies (28) Good night (3110) Bad night (6293) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?

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  (614): I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip? http://tfl.nu/ff9b
  Replies (21) Good night (6981) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

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  (970): do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom? http://tfl.nu/19xa
  Replies (55) Good night (970) Bad night (16968) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?

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  (714): I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him? http://tfl.nu/ybyr
  Replies (18) Good night (3692) Bad night (1169) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.

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  (902): Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines. http://tfl.nu/9k5b
  Replies (12) Good night (4603) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college

  (516): View more from New York

  is she hot?

  (802): View more from Vermont

  She is now

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  (802): My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college (516): is she hot? (802): She is now http://tfl.nu/4xoq
  Replies (34) Good night (8877) Bad night (644)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  not the response he usually gets im sure.

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  (802): and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college? (1-802): not the response he usually gets im sure. http://tfl.nu/gci3
  Replies (17) Good night (1503) Bad night (3524)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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  (802): Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water. http://tfl.nu/oebe
  Replies (29) Good night (1353) Bad night (6844) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

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  (802): I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/89bk
  Replies (154) Good night (1464) Bad night (40371) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin

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  (802): you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin http://tfl.nu/5vsk
  Replies (15) Good night (4827) Bad night (876)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.

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  (802): Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser. http://tfl.nu/l90y
  Replies (17) Good night (5223) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.

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  (802): He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed. http://tfl.nu/y5o9
  Replies (22) Good night (5962) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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  (802): you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv. http://tfl.nu/a1rt
  Replies (15) Good night (5467) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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  (802): I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover. http://tfl.nu/tbtl
  Replies (10) Good night (5139) Bad night (1359) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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  (802): I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job. http://tfl.nu/xzx3
  Replies (41) Good night (7151) Bad night (1388) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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  (802): you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk http://tfl.nu/784w
  Replies (28) Good night (10052) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer

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  (802): i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer http://tfl.nu/uupu
  Replies (16) Good night (5395) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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  (802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg
  Replies (35) Good night (9332) Bad night (1004) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
  Replies (37) Good night (9695) Bad night (1197)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

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  (802): i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke http://tfl.nu/r62l
  Replies (7) Good night (911) Bad night (4134) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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  (802): just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke! http://tfl.nu/q0f1
  Replies (39) Good night (6880) Bad night (1813) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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  (208): Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly. http://tfl.nu/sulv
  Replies (20) Good night (6178) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
  Replies (11) Good night (13039) Bad night (1075)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".

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  (864): long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube". http://tfl.nu/njsb
  Replies (8) Good night (3128) Bad night (897) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.

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  (408): i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now. http://tfl.nu/4x4e
  Replies (16) Good night (794) Bad night (5666) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations

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  (415): This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations http://tfl.nu/81ve
  Replies (7) Good night (633) Bad night (1262) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

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  (859): Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right. http://tfl.nu/hrwa
  Replies (71) Good night (6959) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.

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  (309): just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping. http://tfl.nu/3wmp
  Replies (17) Good night (3200) Bad night (770) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Just got yelled at by a priest...again.

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  (916): Just got yelled at by a priest...again. http://tfl.nu/n99j
  Replies (5) Good night (1271) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.

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  (724): i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud. http://tfl.nu/ruob
  Replies (32) Good night (6969) Bad night (871) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  ..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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  (847): ..i think i can hear you losing your virginity http://tfl.nu/nv6r
  Replies (17) Good night (8239) Bad night (1650) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy

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  (352): I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy http://tfl.nu/uxjr
  Replies (18) Good night (4057) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.

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  (419): it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants. http://tfl.nu/uvta
  Replies (40) Good night (3099) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.

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  (503): It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn. http://tfl.nu/grez
  Replies (32) Good night (504) Bad night (3245) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

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  (408): Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people http://tfl.nu/thju
  Replies (12) Good night (4083) Bad night (413) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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  (908): it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere http://tfl.nu/0cj1
  Replies (17) Good night (6566) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...

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  (716): i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward... http://tfl.nu/0sye
  Replies (14) Good night (468) Bad night (4434) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk

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  (423): I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk http://tfl.nu/ntyc
  Replies (18) Good night (2416) Bad night (1446) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  so im guessing thats a no.....

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  (216): dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits." (814): so im guessing thats a no..... http://tfl.nu/rer4
  Replies (25) Good night (1130) Bad night (3487)
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  (510): View more from California

  I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Are you high?

  (510): View more from California

  No. That's why it's odd

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  (510): I think I speak chipmunk. Odd. (702): Are you high? (510): No. That's why it's odd http://tfl.nu/ybok
  Replies (5) Good night (2118) Bad night (506)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?

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  (908): why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it? http://tfl.nu/3moc
  Replies (52) Good night (1764) Bad night (4665) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.

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  (607): If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock. http://tfl.nu/sga2
  Replies (66) Good night (5203) Bad night (1434) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.

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  (757): I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving. http://tfl.nu/twkc
  Replies (36) Good night (2924) Bad night (977) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.

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  (314): You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning. http://tfl.nu/x67v
  Replies (42) Good night (725) Bad night (8089) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  you smoke with your eyes?

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  (203): i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed (787): you smoke with your eyes? http://tfl.nu/xom7
  Replies (8) Good night (2237) Bad night (972)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  come over anyways, right now, right this second

  (850): View more from Florida

  it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying

  (561): View more from Florida

  wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation

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  (850): come over anyways, right now, right this second (850): it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying (561): wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation http://tfl.nu/cwsr
  Replies (28) Good night (754) Bad night (2936)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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  (401): We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast. (1-401): And you thought you were going to hell last weekend. http://tfl.nu/thro
  Replies (14) Good night (5846) Bad night (876) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

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  (907): Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy. (1-907): Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more.. http://tfl.nu/8g8e
  Replies (45) Good night (7298) Bad night (686) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night

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  (307): Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night http://tfl.nu/tl6b
  Replies (7) Good night (858) Bad night (3717) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  this boner is exhausting

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  (207): this boner is exhausting http://tfl.nu/qxdc
  Replies (26) Good night (4118) Bad night (1120) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.

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  (816): Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy. http://tfl.nu/eso4
  Replies (37) Good night (878) Bad night (3943) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I know, I was there.

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  (443): sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends (336): I know, I was there. http://tfl.nu/9p97
  Replies (1) Good night (1541) Bad night (524)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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  (613): Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors. http://tfl.nu/tkq1
  Replies (20) Good night (8334) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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  (203): my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it (973): just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you http://tfl.nu/4uwz
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.

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  (404): alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night. http://tfl.nu/ialt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.

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  (608): I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay. http://tfl.nu/ttff
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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  (202): I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded. http://tfl.nu/owwz
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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  (678): Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids http://tfl.nu/tr3o
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?

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  (480): Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick? http://tfl.nu/0q5p
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  (607): View more from New York

  Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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  (607): Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits.. http://tfl.nu/aan9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

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  (303): I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow? http://tfl.nu/hnqf
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?

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  (614): She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward? http://tfl.nu/41t8
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Define "chronic" masturbator.

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  (301): Define "chronic" masturbator. http://tfl.nu/qw3m
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

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  (678): Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead, http://tfl.nu/tjky
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.

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  (616): I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon. http://tfl.nu/lqe8
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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  (609): i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/thtn
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.

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  (256): he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker. http://tfl.nu/xdnw
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?

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  (612): he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper (952): Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it? http://tfl.nu/ydx5
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.

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  (513): I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now. http://tfl.nu/qgov
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

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  (360): i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now. http://tfl.nu/qgk0
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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  (703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it. http://tfl.nu/vg3u
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?

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  (540): Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift? http://tfl.nu/ixd3
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Worst stoner tragedy.

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  (262): I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo. (715): Worst stoner tragedy. http://tfl.nu/7uyr
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like

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  (571): On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like http://tfl.nu/th56
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?

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  (912): you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right? http://tfl.nu/mqjb
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  (949): View more from California

  dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat

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  (949): dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat http://tfl.nu/yghv
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.

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  (414): the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details. http://tfl.nu/93dt
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  (661): View more from California

  I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

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  (661): I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry." http://tfl.nu/yxdf
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again

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  (301): Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again http://tfl.nu/89sh
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I want to stick my p in your. b.

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  (613): I want to stick my p in your. b. http://tfl.nu/0x6h
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.

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  (416): when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast. http://tfl.nu/itb7
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.

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  (678): I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time. http://tfl.nu/ogf0
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...

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  (586): Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him... http://tfl.nu/q62j
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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  (774): well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday. http://tfl.nu/vkd1
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.

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  (734): You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom. http://tfl.nu/aenv
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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  (206): Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun. http://tfl.nu/3gwj
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  (727): View more from Florida

  If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"

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  (727): If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was" http://tfl.nu/9too
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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  (706): Her name starts with A and ends with whore. http://tfl.nu/o8d5
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"

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  (304): my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos" http://tfl.nu/exf3
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  (760): View more from California

  can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?

  (760): View more from California

  oh geez, wrong person.

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  (760): can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)? (760): oh geez, wrong person. http://tfl.nu/89mo
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm half single.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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  (617): I'm half single. (773): Please tell me it's the bottom half. http://tfl.nu/3fsx
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

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  (440): just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me. http://tfl.nu/8ykb
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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  (318): He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later." http://tfl.nu/4lz3
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.

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  (541): i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar. http://tfl.nu/crfd
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.

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  (517): dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it. http://tfl.nu/4nb9
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock

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  (360): I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock http://tfl.nu/cdtd
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

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  (318): my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes. http://tfl.nu/jzo6
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover

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  (763): i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover http://tfl.nu/a65k
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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  (864): so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence. http://tfl.nu/nvim
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  (210): View more from Texas

  they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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  (210): they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird http://tfl.nu/vuhd
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

  (561): View more from Florida

  He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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  (561): I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class. (561): He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it. http://tfl.nu/mjkl
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  love makes seman taste better

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  (937): love makes seman taste better http://tfl.nu/bxjy
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  (650): View more from California

  Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.

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  (650): Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight. http://tfl.nu/6biy
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  (713): View more from Texas

  How bad was it?

  (1-713): View more from Texas

  You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth

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  (713): How bad was it? (1-713): You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth http://tfl.nu/i16m
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  he wasnt completely random

  (914): View more from New York

  you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i get things done.

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  (201): he wasnt completely random (914): you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont (201): i get things done. http://tfl.nu/5ew9
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit

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  (301): and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit http://tfl.nu/fjd7
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  (585): View more from New York

  please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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  (585): please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad. http://tfl.nu/8fn1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China

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  (617): Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China http://tfl.nu/t41x
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  (631): View more from New York

  woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

  (516): View more from New York

  you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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  (631): woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain? (516): you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food." http://tfl.nu/33sl
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.

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  (319): then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween. http://tfl.nu/ifuh
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".

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  (803): I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today". http://tfl.nu/w2r4
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  (424): View more from California

  I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed

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  (424): I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed http://tfl.nu/t74f
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.

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  (304): my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app. http://tfl.nu/wpzp
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again

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  (740): needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again http://tfl.nu/we2r
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  (214): View more from Texas

  you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.

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  (214): you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass. http://tfl.nu/e29t
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?

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  (301): do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning? http://tfl.nu/rfsi
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"

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  (630): According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for" http://tfl.nu/5bi3
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  (954): View more from Florida

  What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

  (904): View more from Florida

  Both

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  (954): What are you talking about? And how drunk are you? (904): Both http://tfl.nu/7q6w
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.

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  (703): I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm. http://tfl.nu/zuvg
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  (818): View more from California

  This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.

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  (818): This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate. http://tfl.nu/k2b3
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??

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  (317): There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas?? http://tfl.nu/74h0
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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  (972): I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that. http://tfl.nu/304s
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  (650): View more from California

  I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history

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  (650): I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history http://tfl.nu/ot0p
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  (805): View more from California

  When do i get to see u next week?

  (1-805): View more from California

  When I teabag your entire family

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  (805): When do i get to see u next week? (1-805): When I teabag your entire family http://tfl.nu/lkxo
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.

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  (848): life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward. http://tfl.nu/gey7
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  (914): View more from New York

  you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.

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  (914): you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue. http://tfl.nu/t2fn
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  (408): View more from California

  No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.

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  (408): No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles. http://tfl.nu/hp1m
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  (512): View more from Texas

  did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.

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  (512): did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training. http://tfl.nu/gmkx
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  (281): View more from Texas

  3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.

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  (281): 3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals. http://tfl.nu/21ij
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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  (386): I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music. http://tfl.nu/9pnm
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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  (905): She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up http://tfl.nu/duhi
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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  (306): Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night http://tfl.nu/jc2t
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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  (778): I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college http://tfl.nu/2nnj
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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  (412): the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often http://tfl.nu/iv13
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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  (608): Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard. http://tfl.nu/diwn
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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  (615): Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER? http://tfl.nu/yz8w
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting

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  (719): We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting http://tfl.nu/vcgc
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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  (570): I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around. (1-570): It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am. http://tfl.nu/ckp3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.

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  (214): New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle. http://tfl.nu/kelj
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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  (732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome. http://tfl.nu/zzpw
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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  (620): throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex http://tfl.nu/5t79
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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  (724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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  (303): That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now. http://tfl.nu/5jdl
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

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  (404): She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7 http://tfl.nu/xypt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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  (732): You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name. http://tfl.nu/cvf5
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  (516): View more from New York

  Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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  (516): Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice http://tfl.nu/slww
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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  (785): he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense http://tfl.nu/p2yr
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  (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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  (631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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  (508): the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me http://tfl.nu/ptyo
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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  (613): I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ. http://tfl.nu/qy75
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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  (908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers http://tfl.nu/97ey
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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  (732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0
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  (949): View more from California

  Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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  (949): Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever. http://tfl.nu/rea8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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  (215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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  (618): The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass http://tfl.nu/wmly
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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  (931): a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra. http://tfl.nu/ga1u
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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  (562): View more from California

  omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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  (562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever. http://tfl.nu/2p77
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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  (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me". http://tfl.nu/jl9f
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
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  (212): View more from New York

  I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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  (212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland. http://tfl.nu/ca0n
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
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  (281): View more from Texas

  How do you jack off and text at the same time?

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  On my iPhone they have an app for that

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  (281): How do you jack off and text at the same time? (1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that http://tfl.nu/2tk7
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
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