Texts From Last Night · ryanisreallame's Favorites

ryanisreallame's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

Fav 17 4674 2376
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

How's tricks little girl?

(205): View more from Alabama

Trix are for kids, old man.

Fav 6 1187 1329
share tweet

(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

Fav 56 16889 1910
share tweet
(626): View more from California

dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.

Fav 66 5771 2378
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

Fav 21 4761 1195
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

Fav 13 6410 1539
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

Fav 52 9825 1243
share tweet

(517): View more from Michigan

he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.

Fav 14 6528 1068
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53076 3391
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(301): View more from Maryland

You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope

Fav 2 4119 768
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

Fav 48 8757 1253
share tweet

(520): View more from Arizona

I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie

Fav 39 7788 1891
share tweet

(248): View more from Michigan

Pussy?

(586): View more from Michigan

how

(248): View more from Michigan

Wat do u mean how?

Fav 5 1167 1437
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.

Fav 27 2311 3767
share tweet

(440): View more from Ohio

she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

Fav 140 1222 6269
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'

Fav 4 2394 1185
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

Fav 17 9068 1495
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer

Fav 16 1942 2378
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

Fav 65 17353 1778
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

Fav 15 4761 1236
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

Fav 35 7089 1828
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

Fav 20 9422 1835
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

Fav 43 6610 1344
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

Fav 17 8268 1526
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53783 3100
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

Fav 16 7690 1385
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

Fav 20 7236 1849
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

Fav 15 7326 2397
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

no you cant smoke seaweed

Fav 40 5856 1698
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

Fav 42 6363 900
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

Fav 22 7355 1403
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

Fav 48 9344 1293
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.

Fav 64 9189 1136
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

Fav 39 17890 2058
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115811 11194
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

(952): View more from Minnesota

what?

(612): View more from Minnesota

i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

Fav 29 8128 1248
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

Fav 13 6244 1297
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!

Fav 100 1420 22993
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

Fav 57 2123 21465
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

Fav 25 2241 927
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67221 3281
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

Fav 10 4462 1605
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

Fav 54 5475 1214
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

Fav 11 1864 4802
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

Fav 7 2375 1129
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

Fav 20 3980 1160
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53243 2384
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

Fav 36 23832 1643
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

Fav 20 3924 1007
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

Fav 4 4080 1751
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

Fav 34 7187 1772
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles

Fav 16 5642 1258
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

Fav 16 3212 1312
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

Fav 19 7107 1533
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15144 3442
share tweet
(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

Fav 46 11244 3207
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...

Fav 13 2884 891
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

Fav 67 8121 4285
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

Fav 18 10883 2504
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]

Fav 46 7711 1777
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

Fav 31 4801 5707
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

Fav 43 5636 1259
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Fav 39 4473 885
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

Fav 200 8447 3058
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

Fav 18 7134 1179
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

Fav 34 5133 1479
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...

(301): View more from Maryland

Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better

Fav 14 4224 1147
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

Fav 28 14075 2294
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up

Fav 8 3046 1296
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you have got to be kidding?

Fav 52 987 4810
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the hells wrong with u

Fav 17 2344 4313
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

Fav 54 11591 1814
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

Fav 34 1417 2958
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

Fav 10 2167 3035
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes

Fav 7 1160 1337
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

Fav 18 6969 941
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39782 2521
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

Fav 34 7583 1640
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 131986 5196
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173836 44306
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

Fav 10 6665 1375
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 4236 1828
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

Fav 24 6673 1461
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart

(281): View more from Texas

What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?

(660): View more from Missouri

Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni

Fav 19 5507 1199
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon

Fav 33 1209 6633
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

Fav 22 4574 921
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

Fav 19 1886 4874
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking

Fav 17 4295 2059
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

Fav 35 17858 1327
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro

(630): View more from Illinois

I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth

Fav 34 1488 2948
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

meow

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

Fav 96 5317 1760
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.

(347): View more from New York

Something to remember me by.

Fav 6 2867 2219
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

Fav 19 1434 9647
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?

Fav 93 1426 3637
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 5638 1758
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

Fav 12 6405 1297
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35241 2052
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

Fav 45 9497 1511
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

Fav 9 3717 1199
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

Fav 28 7246 1799
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

Fav 12 5860 1604
share tweet
(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

Fav 22 9182 1714
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

Fav 41 9934 3826
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

Fav 23 1148 1846
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42071 2245
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7446 2218
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

Fav 31 6469 1242
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

coke and sex party at dan's

(201): View more from New Jersey

im watching greys anatomy with megan...

(973): View more from New Jersey

wha-pishhh

Fav 51 1522 4857
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie

Fav 36 6397 1740
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.

Fav 53 4019 1185
share tweet
(916): View more from California

and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

Fav 12 5114 1589
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

Fav 44 8981 1373
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined

Fav 19 1175 3408
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

Fav 16 5550 1365
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?

Fav 8 4354 1002
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76369 3425
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.

Fav 37 3132 753
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

Fav 35 15841 1926
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

Fav 9 3342 944
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7484 1934
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

Fav 51 3347 13002
share tweet
(949): View more from California

dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt

Fav 42 1163 6893
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

Fav 24 5228 1563
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.

Fav 24 5593 1262
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

Fav 15 5548 1003
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

Fav 14 6977 1123
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59114 5672
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

Fav 44 15604 1980
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9134 24693
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

Fav 56 7967 1737
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

Fav 20 8596 1238
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

Fav 29 9117 1316
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

Fav 17 5189 1332
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.

Fav 14 5117 1262
share tweet
(510): View more from California

You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

Fav 25 2430 6426
share tweet
(650): View more from California

in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",

Fav 24 3182 2576
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

Fav 87 16561 3466
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.

Fav 25 14580 1252
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

Fav 30 3132 6807
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

Fav 28 7139 1235
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits

Fav 16 7459 1103
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.

Fav 50 1147 4943
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit

Fav 71 8223 1194
share tweet
(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

Fav 31 1240 7727
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..

Fav 34 5958 1376
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

Fav 19 1562 3576
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.

Fav 16 1412 5132
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

Fav 33 7147 1123
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.

Fav 21 5082 1090
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!

(1-903): View more from Texas

What does that even mean?

Fav 30 1566 5503
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

Fav 9 6871 1324
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had

Fav 18 6874 887
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.

Fav 20 10090 1187
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

Fav 19 9770 1358
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

Fav 32 14189 1419
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.

Fav 30 5740 1799
share tweet
(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

Fav 113 8285 1573
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28215 5128
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously

(503): View more from Oregon

you are my hero

Fav 20 5185 1361
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8562 49737
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Kiss

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Puke

Fav 6 1396 2292
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible

Fav 17 8768 1608
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?

Fav 23 4258 1107
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

Fav 34 7091 1640
share tweet
(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

Fav 44 17639 1899
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

Fav 60 15766 2597
share tweet